The Life of Me

Another Therapy Post

2010-01-30T19:48:00.002-06:00

I'm back again.

I briefly talked about friends in the last email. I need to figure out how to let past hurts go and move on. I need to figure out how to not have a knee jerk hurt reaction when I hear about these past friends. I need to be able to be confident enough in my choices to know that this is what's best for my family.

I know this is what's best. I didn't like who I was when I hung out with them. I didn't like how they made me feel. I felt uninvolved, not wanted, and put up with. I felt like I was pitied. That's such a horrible feeling. I felt like I was only invited because I was friends with someone else, not because I was actually wanted. Funny part about it is that now that I'm not friends with that one person, nobody calls me. Nobody contacts me. Nobody wants anything to do with me. It kind of reaffirms my thoughts and fears.

I made the decision to cut these people completely out of my life. They're not on my facebook, I don't have phone numbers, etc. I just decided cold turkey. The problem? One specific person is still friends with some of my friends/my sister. I still see comments, etc from this person and every time I do, it hurts. I wish that she wanted to be my friend. Part of me feels like I'm a pre-teen again, hoping for people to want to be my friend.

I guess a part of growing up is getting over stuff like this so I just need to do it. I need to stop letting it bother me. I am a wonderful person and it's not my problem that they don't want to be my friend. I am better off without them, and I don't need them in my life.

Possibly a Girl...scared.

2010-01-28T18:43:00.004-06:00

I've decided that this is going to be my therapy post.

Last night I was laying in bed, trying to decide if I should go see a therapist or not. Then I started thinking about what I should say to this guy, and then I figured it would be a blog post.

"Hi my name is A, and I am 13 weeks pregnant. I think I'm having a girl and the thought of having a girl scares the shit out of me. Oh sorry, I didn't mean to use that language. I'll watch it from now on." (Therapist nods and motions for me to continue on.)

"So, you see, I've never had real relationships with women. My mom has severe bipolar and was never around. She always let me down, and even to this day continues to let me down. I've never had any real girl friends, and have always gotten along with guys better. Growing up, I made friends, whom I thought were real friends, but all were gossiping backstabbers. I thought that was what a real friendship was, so I put up with it. I thought that was what I deserved. I found out recently that 2 people whom I was really close with were really keeping this huge secret behind my back. I was crushed when I found out, and truthfully it's ruined both relationships for me. If I can't trust people, then why keep them in my life, right? What's this huge secret you ask? Well, see, I found out that my sister wanted to take my children away from me, and that she conferred with my best friend at the time about it. That said best friend then kept this huge secret from me. It wasn't just my sister in on it, but my mother as well. How's that for a wonderful circle?

My relationship with this friend was struggling for a lot of reasons, partly because I figured out it was a one-sided relationship. I was tired of being the one to put everything in and get nothing in return. I was tired of it. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I needed to end it. I needed to get out of the toxicity that my high school friendships were. I am an adult. I need to move past high school and find real friends, not fake ones. I do have a few real friends, and those who I do have are my saviors right now. The part that sucks is that they're so far away, but they're always here no matter what.

I told you all of this as um, I guess a background? Why am I scared to have a girl? I don't want her to suffer like I did. I don't want her to be picked on because of her weight, or her looks. I don't want her to have fake friends her entire life and think that is what friendships should be. I want her to be able to trust other women and not think/expect the best. I don't want her to ever want for a better mother like I did. I want to be that better mother, and I want to be a support system for her, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I never had it, that I won't know how to be that person for her. I want her to be everything that I'm not. I want her to be confident and outgoing. I want her to be comfortable in who she is.

So here's my question for you. How do I do this? How do I be the mom that she needs? How do I overcome this fear and accept this fate?"

By this time I'll probably be crying my eyes out, but the questions are serious. How? How do I do this?

Haven't Blooged in a While

2009-08-26T20:26:00.002-05:00

I had someone reading my blog who I really didn't want to know anything about my life. I felt like I couldn't be myself and so I just kind of shut down on here. It sucks that I felt like that, because it's MY blog, but it happened.

Anyways, I'm back now. I've been insanely busy but it's all been worth it. I'm planning a wedding, going to school and dealing with my 2 children. They're growing leaps and bounds and pure boys. R broke his arm when he fell off of a slide at daycare. When they called me to tell me that he fell, they said he was fine so I didn't rush over there. When I got there, he got worse as he was waiting and he couldn't walk or move at all. I felt horrible but I can't change what happened. I rushed him to the ER where they did X-Rays, etc and splinted his arm. We saw the orthopedic doctor the next day where he put a Cammo cast on R. He thinks it is the coolest cast ever, and I agree. :) It fits his personality but both of us can't wait for it to be off. Another week to go on that! Woohoo!!

School is school. It sucks. A lot. I'm ready to be done with it. I feel completely overwhelmed. I'm at the point again where I want to just get a job and work instead of go to school. I don't know why I get feeling like this. It sucks! I feel like I have so much on my plate but I can't give anything up. The only thing that I can remotely think about taking a break from is school, but even that won't work. I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

That's my short update. I'm ready to go to bed.

Boys Poem

2009-07-13T09:51:00.001-05:00

A friend sent this poem to me, and it brought a smile to my face, as well as some tears to my eyes. I hope y'all enjoy it.

Little Boys

Submitted by: Kahtain

Author: Unknown

Little boys come in all shapes and sizes,
Shy and adventurous, full of surprises,
With misshapen halos and mischievous grins,
Small dirty faces, and sweet, sticky chins.

They'll keep you so busy, and yet all the while
Nothing can brighten the world like their smile.
And no greater treasure has brought homes more joy
Than a curious, active, and lovable boy!

Boys

2009-07-12T09:34:00.003-05:00

I never thought I'd be a mom to 2 boys. I never thought I'd be up to my eyeballs in Transformers, trucks, balls, blue, blue, blue, blue. I never thought that me, the girly-girl, would have 2 boys, and LOVE it.

I love my boys. I love them with every fiber of my being. I love them and couldn't ask for anything different. I love knowing that my boys are going to grow up and be nice, respectful men because of how I'm raising them.

I am responsible for shaping them, and they're going to be wonderful men. I don't think there's a bigger compliment than knowing that.

Ex-H

2009-06-28T08:58:00.002-05:00

So I stayed up late last night talking to Grandma (Ex-h's) about Ex and all of the problems we had. She said that she talked to him for a few hours that night and he was complaining that he was tired of everyone talking crap about him. He just wants people to cut him a break and to see that he's trying to do the right thing. He said that he can barely afford to feed himself, let alone take care of his kids, and he knows that "Daddy Warbucks" (my Dad) will make sure that they're taken care of so he's not worried about it. He also made the comment that he knows that the birthday presents he sent Ray aren't as good as the ones that "rich folks" can give him and he's just sure that they're destroyed in pieces somewhere. He doesn't realize that R loved the Transformers more than he loved everything else. He doesn't realize the joy that R got knowing that his presents were from his Daddy.

I am sick.to.death. of this "woe is me" bullcrap. I am sick of him calling us rich and calling my Dad "Daddy Warbucks". I am sick of him always being the victim. I'm just sick of it. He says he's not involved in the boys' lives because he wants to be able to actually do something with them and not just sit around and watch them play. He wants to be the "superhero" who always does fun stuff and wants nothing to do with the day to day bullshit of life. He thinks that he'll be able to just swoop in here, when he has money, and be the fun one, but it's almost too late.

So, do I call him out on him talking crap about my family? Or do I just keep quiet about it? He's never going to change, and he's always going to think this way, so part of me thinks that he just needs to be left alone. The other part of me, the part who is VERY protective over my family, and my father, thinks that he needs an ass chewing. The part of me who has dealt with this crap for the past however long is tired of him always talking crap about us, and wants to stop it. Then I stop to think: "What good will this do?" Sadly, the answer is "nothing." Me chewing him out will do absolutely nothing. It will let him know that Grandma told me everything, and that's about it.

So I guess I sit here, and try to not let him get to me. Right now, it's not about me, but about my family. He's a sorry SOB who needs to learn.

Help

2009-05-22T19:37:00.002-05:00

I can't handle doing it all on my own anymore. I need help. I can't be perfect, and I need help.

I'm tired of doing it all. I'm tired of being the only one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, dishes, etc etc. I am tired of people looking at me to do everything. I'm tired of doing it all on my own shoulders. I can't do it anymore. I'm angry that I have to do it all on my own, and I'm angry that nobody notices. I hate snapping at my kids. I hate being mad at them for being kids. I hate being on edge. I need help.

I want to run away, with the kids, and never come back. At least I want the kids with me, right? It's not them. They are fine. It's everything else. I just can't do it anymore. Something has to change, but I don't know what will. Nothing will ever change and I will continue to do it all because nobody else will.

Z is crying for me and R is tattling, and I just want to cover my ears and make it all go away.

Anger and Frustration

2009-05-12T22:13:00.002-05:00

Things have been rough here, for me. Not that things are bad, but my attitude has been horrible. I'm ashamed to admit how short my fuse has been lately, and how quick I am to blow up. I feel frustration that I can't have 2 seconds to myself. I feel frustration that Zachary gets into everything, and wants to nurse when he's bored. I hate it, and I'm mad at myself for allowing this to happen. Logically, I know why the boys are going crazy. They're bored; they don't feel well; they're recovering. I know this but it's been difficult for me to control my fuse long enough to remember it. It's just a downward spiral as I dwell on my attitude, and ask how I can fix it (within myself). I started reading The Pocket Parent today and so far I like it. I've only read a few chapters (as I was waiting in line for Ray to get out of school), and it talks about how to control your own attitude and calm down enough to know when to walk away. I haven't gotten past 43 pages, but I like it so far.

I have been resting in bed all evening, so I decided to get up and check Ray's backpack for school tomorrow. His teacher sends home folders every Tuesday with work they did in class, and a sheet that has comments on there. Ray's teacher is absolutely awesome, and just what he needs. She never has anything harsh to say about any of the children. This week the message she sent was "Ray is doing very well in pre-k and is very ready for Kindergarten next year." Hearing his teacher confirm my thoughts made me feel a million times better. He is reading small words, writing words from memory, spelling everything. He is growing up in front of my eyes. Then I looked in his folder and saw his Mother's Day presents he made in school. They did handprints (which made me tear up) and then they did a Best Mom Certificate. He told his teacher what color hair I have, my eye color, age, height (26 tall) and weight (20 lbs). Then he answered some questions. One of the blanks was "Mommy looks the prettiest when..." and he wrote "she is going to school." The next one was about spending time with mommy and he said "lay in bed with her." Reading that made every bit of frustration and anger fall out of me, and I started to cry. Reading that helped to reconfirm that what I'm doing for Ray is the right thing. He's a sensitive boy and needs time with me (like every child). He needs his Mommy and that's okay. He'll be out of my bed eventually. They are only small for such a short period of time, so whatever I can do for him now I will do to ensure he knows that I'm there for him. Life may be tough, and the choices that I've made maybe haven't been the best ones, but they have led me to where I am today, and for that I am grateful.

I have to remind myself that we've been through a heck of a lot these past few weeks. Finals, then the boys had surgery, then recovering from the surgery (and me almost passing out several times), and now I'm just exhausted. When I'm tired, it makes me crabby, and then I lose my temper.

I think I just need to remind myself sometimes that I am human, and I'm not superwoman. I will make mistakes, and how I learn from my mistakes makes me the woman that I am.

Update

2009-05-01T16:41:00.000-05:00

Ray has the flu. They sent out his sample for further testing. He's on tamiflu and we're going to deal with the side effects of the tamiflu instead of the side effects of the flu.

Zachary has a viral thing but he's really bad. He's wheezing and coughing. I'm actually really surprised that Ray is the one who has the flu and not Zachary. The doctor said that they're open tomorrow and to bring them in if we need anything at all.

I got a call on the way home from the doctor that the CDC changed their guidelines WRT school closures because of the H1N1 flu. They've changed the guidelines to recommend that schools that close must stay closed for a minimum of 14 days. Ray's elementary school will not reopen until May 18th. I called the daycare and because of that the boys are not allowed back into the daycare until after that. I said "well that does me no good considering I don't need daycare after Tuesday." I went to the daycare to pick up all of their things because I don't know when we'll be back there. I got there and started bawling my eyes out and have been trying not to cry since then.

I'm just overwhelmed right now and I"m tired of doing this on my own. My Dad is a saint and is going to take off work Monday and Tuesday so I can take my finals. Is it bad that I actually thought "well if I don't take my final, I'll have a C in Anatomy"?

Happy

2009-04-16T14:01:00.001-05:00

For the past few weeks, I'd been feeling very stressed and unsure about what to do about school. I did end up applying for a Bachelor's program, and got accepted, but due to financial reasons, I had to turn it down. It was going to cost too much money for me to do it, plus there's no way my daycare would be provided for. Dad said that he'd help, but then my sister decided she wanted to go to school so he's helping her. He helped me once, I quit, and so it's her turn to get help. I don't mind, and I'm not mad at all at the situation. I'm mad at myself, a bit, but then again I'm not. I'm in a better place than I was before and I know that I'm doing what I want, not what I think I want.

So since I turned down the Bachelor's program, I was feeling very stressed about the whole applying for the ADN (associates) program through the college I'm going to right now. It's very competitive and unfortunately my Anatomy grade isn't what it should be to insure acceptance. I didn't want to apply, and get rejected, so I was really really unsure what to do. I met with my advisor today, and am feeling very good about everything. We discussed my B in Anatomy, and we decided that I'm going to retake Anatomy during the fall, and then take classes to work towards my Bachelor's. By the time I'm done with 2 semesters and in the RN program, I will only have 3 classes until I get my Bachelor's. Then, she looked back at my grades, and said in a very surprised voice "And why are you not honors???? You can do it! Let's put you in honors so you'll graduate with honors." So, I'm in the honors program now. :) I'm taking Anatomy 1 Honors, Government Honors, Chemistry (regular, no honors class for that one) and Bowling (again). I'm super excited. I feel, lighter, less stressed. I'm really excited about it and am looking forward to starting the fall semester.

When we were talking about graduating with honors, I started crying because I want this. I want to graduate with this. I want to be able to tell myself, and others, that not only was I a single mom, going to school full time, but I graduated with honors. I want my boys to look at that and realize that they can do whatever they set their mind to. I want to show people, and most importantly myself, that even though I screwed up by not finishing school before, that I went back, and I did it.

That's my update. :) Thanks for reading!

Amazing

2009-04-08T23:22:00.002-05:00

Ex and I are friends. Amazing isn't it? He calls and wants advice from me on what to do about her. It's pretty amazing that I'm giving my Ex-husband marriage advice, but it doesn't feel weird. It makes me feel good that I'm doing something to help him. It's not helping him, specifically, it's helping a marriage. I have such a screwed up view on marriage now, maybe not screwed up, jaded. I'm jaded, and I want to believe that marriage can be good. I want to see marriages work.

I realized something while talking to him (or listening to him talk, rather) the other day. I realized that he never, ever loved me like he loves her. It didn't hurt me when I realized that, it really didn't. It just opened up this whole new feeling of relief. That doesn't make any sense does it? Let me try to explain.

When my marriage failed, I thought of everything that had happened and tried to figure out what I did wrong. In my mind, it was all about what I could have done better to make him happier. What could I do or what could I have done to improve our marriage. It didn't matter that it was a joint thing. I thought that I did something wrong to make him not love me. Then when I heard everything that he was doing and everything that he had done for her, it kind of shocked me. He never would have changed for me. When I complained about something he said "Well there's the door..." He never realized that he had a problem too. It was never his fault, but always mine.

Instead of this new revelation hurting the heck out of me, it made me happy. It made me happy that he's changing for someone he loves. It's okay that he didn't love me the way that he thought he did. When I look back and think about it, I didn't love him the way that I wanted to. I thought I did, but then things happened, and we changed and grew apart. We didn't grow together, and that's when I stopped loving him.

I actually told him this today. I told him that he never loved me like he loves her, and he was shocked. I told him that it's okay, and I'm not upset or hurt. I'm not anything. I have nothing but good will for him and her. Shocking isn't it?

And for those who think he's a piece of crap as a father, he is, and he knows it. That's justice enough for me. One day R and Z will grow up, and they will judge him, and he knows it. He's cried to me about it, and he knows that there's nothing he can do, except for hope that they'll forgive him.

Things Happen for a Reason

2009-03-19T18:40:00.001-05:00

Things happen for a reason. Conversations happen for a reason. I just hope that my words and advice, or maybe not advice but experiences will help to reach a decision.

Life Changes

2009-02-28T09:20:00.000-06:00

Before R was born, I had no idea about different types of parenting, and how I would be as a parent. I saw what other people were doing and just shrugged and said "hey it's your choice" but I had no idea how that would mold me. When R was born, I didn't want to let him go. I wanted him to be with me at all times. I wanted him on me, so I could feel him breathe and be with him. I wanted to nurse him, and be the reason why he was thriving. I didn't want him to cry, if I could help it. As he got older and wasn't sleeping through the night, people would tell me to let him CIO and I wouldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I didn't have any reason why other than "it just feels wrong for me to let my child cry, needing me, wanting me." My Ex didn't care what happened as long as he wasn't woken up through the night and R wasn't in bed with us. I had a glider/ottoman combo that I slept in, many nights, with R just waiting for Ex to go to work so we could move to the bed. Ex never did get ok with co-sleeping, and many nights I would spend out of the bed, in a glider with R so he would sleep. It's sad, but I looked forward to the times that he would go out to sea, so I could have the bed to myself with R, and not panic about Ex walking in the house and finding me in bed with R. Looking back, I wonder why I was so afraid of him, but that's a different thing for a different time. With R I learned what love really was. I learned how it felt to have this child, this part of you, outside, and needing you. I felt this stronger than ever feeling of needing to protect. I learned how to be strong, grow a backbone, and stand up for what and who I believe in. I fought against Ex, and as time grew on, I grew apart from him because of our differences in parenting. I honestly didn't care that I was the one doing everything, because then I knew it was being done the right way. He could do whatever he wanted, as long as I had R, I was okay. Sad, isn't it? We probably shouldn't have had Z, but I will never regret it, ever. These boys have made me who I am today, and I will forever be changed because of them. I actually am thankful to Ex for helping me create these 2 beautiful boys, and I suppose indirectly for making me strong enough to be who I am today. Because of the divorce, I am a strong woman who can handle being a single mom, going to school full time. Because of Ex, I am strong enough to stand behind my parenting decisions and not change or give in because of some pressure from outside sources. I am who I am. I parent how I parent and nothing is going to change that.

Vent

2009-02-09T15:43:00.002-06:00

I don't know if this will actually get published or if it will make any sense but I just need to vent.

I'm in a horrible mood and have been for a while. My hormones are all jacked up; my body is all jacked up; I'm stressed; I'm not sleeping well and I know I'm not eating well. Combine those all together and it makes a very unhappy me. To top it off, I'm tired of living at home.

I love being here. I love being close to my family and I love being able to spend time with them but I am ready to be out on my own. I'm tired of being here and not having my own space. I'm tired of my shit being used. I'm tired of not being able to use the bathroom when I want to. I'm tired of having to cook for a ton of people. I'm tired of my kids being looked at as a pain in the ass because they're being kids. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of other people trying to tell my kids how to behave. I'm tired. I'm just tired.

I don't know how to fix this, either. It's not like I can go out and get a job and go to school and be a single mom. Yeah, I can't do that. I know that living at home is a temporary thing but at the same time, I've been here for 2 freaking years, and I'm ready to be on my own.

Okay, another tangent to vent about. I have no friends here. I have friends, and I love every single one of them, but I have no friends here. My boyfriend lives 2 freaking states away, my best friend lives on the other side of the county. I am tired of having the people close to me not be the people I want to be close to me. I am tired of being alone in a house full of people.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I am damn ready to be feeling better. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm ready to be back me.

Bragging On Myself

2009-02-06T20:11:00.000-06:00

I had a pretty hellacious week this past week. I had a psych test on Monday, Spanish quiz Monday, Anatomy Practical Wednesday, and then an Anatomy quiz and test Thursday. I got my grades back for everything but the last quiz and test.

Psychology Test- 97
Spanish Quiz- 98
Anatomy Practical- 80 (pretty damn good that I passed considering most of the class failed)

Then today I got a letter in the mail. I made Dean's List last semester. It just hit me that I'm really doing it. :) I'm doing the full time student, single mom, having a life thing. Yeah it's hard and yeah sometimes I want to pull my hair out but I'm doing it. :) :)

Happy New Year

2009-01-03T11:21:00.002-06:00

I can not believe that it is 2009. Doesn't it feel like just yesterday it was 2008?

In 2009, R will be 5 and Z will be 2. In 2009, I will apply for the nursing program. In 2009, I will get to see my best friend whom I haven't seen in a year. In 2009, I will get to see David Cook *sigh*. I think this will be a good year.

Looking back, 2007 was one of the worst years of my life. True, I had Z and he's my gorgeous boy but that year will forever be marked by the Big D. The word that nobody ever wants to say but is always there: divorce. That was the year Ex walked out on us and I was a divorced woman. I'm not dwelling on it, just stating the facts. I'm a divorced woman and that's the year it happened.

2008 was a year of growth. I grew and changed. I'm not sad to see 2008 go. I think it took me 2 years to get back to normal. I needed everything that happened in 2008 to get to where I am today. I'm stronger and better because of it. I have hurt people, though, and I didn't want to. I feel bad for doing it, but I guess that's a part of life, right? Sometimes you have to hurt someone in order to get away from the same old stuff and to grow.

2009 is full of hope. I have hope that this year will be better than the past 2. It's a gradual getting better and I know that this year will be awesome. :)

evil laugh

2008-12-30T16:30:00.003-06:00

When I finally got my divorce papers, I read over them but didn't really absorb much. I was in shock, not really caring, just wanted to get it done and over with. I knew Dad looked over them and made sure things were good and benefiting me, not him, so I didn't really do much with them. I went to the courthouse, got my name change, got pronounced divorced (somehow very anti-climatic) and went on my way.

Well, I've been doing thinking lately about moving away from Texas but was worried if Ex would have any say so with the kids. I *thought* we put a clause in there that said I control where they live without regards to him but I wasn't sure. Today I finally looked at the papers and found what I was looking for. It says:

IT IS ORDERED that A, as a parent joint managing conservator, shall have the following rights and duty:
- 1. the exclusive right to designate the primary residence of the children without regard to geographic location;

I am thrilled! I bet he doesn't even realize that it says that in there. *happy dance*

In other bad news, I found that I can't take him to court to raise child support for another 2 years. Oh well. He's not paying it anyways.

Happy

2008-12-30T11:09:00.001-06:00

Have you ever been so content with life, you have no complaints? Have you ever been so content that everything just seems better?

That's how I am right now. I'm just...happy. And happy doesn't even begin to describe how I really feel. Happy seems so, well, dull.

Things are good. I'm on the right track.

Christmas

2008-12-25T21:32:00.004-06:00

I love Christmas. It's my favorite time of the year and the thought of it makes me thrilled. I'm like a little kid with lights, music, decorations, presents, etc, and I was like that this year until today. It was a great morning until R started pitching fits for no reason. Then he told me that he didn't like his clothes so I threatened to give them away. He kept pitching fits, throwing things, crying, etc and I just couldn't handle it. I sent him to his room after we ate lunch because he was being so horrible. Dad says it's over stimulation and I agree but it was still annoying.

Everyone was kind of crabby today, which sucked, but it was a good Christmas. I was crabby because my stupid back won't stop hurting. Dad is talking about buying me a new soft mattress so I hope that really happens.

Anyhow, it was a good Christmas. The boys got tons of toys and some clothes. R got a ton of art supplies and we made him his own craft cart. He has the scissors that make different cuts (12 different ones), coloring books, markers, paint, glue, normal scissors, and different types of paper. He seemed to enjoy it but I think he was so overwhelmed he didn't really know what to do anymore.

All in all, Christmas was good. I'm glad we have a year to prepare. :)

Nurse On!

2008-12-18T21:51:00.002-06:00

Stole this from her too.

Little ones can squirm and pout,

make a fuss and scream and shout.

When hunger hits without a doubt,

Sit right down and whip it out.

I would nurse her if she cried,

I could nurse her far and wide,

Here and there or anywhere,

Up or down or on a chair.

I could nurse a teddy bear,

For this fine milk is very rare!!!

Would you nurse him on a train?

Would you nurse him on a plane?

Would you nurse him in a car?

Would you nurse him in a bar?

Yes, on a train, yes on a plane.

Yes, in a car, yes in a bar.

I would nurse him here or there.

I would nurse him anywhere!

I would nurse him in a booth,

On the stairs or near the roof.

Anywhere my boy cries out,

I pop the nummies in his mouth.

I can serve it by the ounce,

I can serve it while I bounce.

In a bottle or in a jar,

I can serve from near or far.

Would you, could you nurse in church?

Would you on a shaky perch?

Would you, could you, in the stands?

Could you nurse him with no hands?

I would, I could nurse in church,

Even on a shaky perch.

In the stands, with no hands,

I'll nurse my baby on demand.

Would you nurse him at the store?

Would you nurse him on the floor?

Would you nurse him on a ship?

Careful not to show your nip!

Would you nurse him while on skis?

Would you nurse her on your knees?

Would you nurse him in a tree?

Mommy milk is SO GOOD, you see.

Would you nurse him by the stream?

You could nurse him while you dream.

Can you nurse and clean the house?

Can you nurse and chase a mouse?

Can you nurse and cook a meal?

Mommy's milk is the real deal!

Would you nurse him while you sleep?

How about while you sweep?

Could you nurse him in a sling?

Would you, could you, while you sing?

How about upon a swing?

Mother's milk is just the thing!

Would you nurse her at the park?

Would you nurse him in the dark?

Would you nurse him with a Boppy?

And when your boobs are feeling floppy?

I would nurse him in the park,

I would nurse her in the dark.

I'd nurse with or without a Boppy.

Floppy boobs will never stop me.

Can you nurse with your seatbelt on?

Can you nurse from dusk till dawn?

Though she may pinch me, bite me, pull,

I will nurse her 'till she's full!

Can you nurse and make some soup?

Can you nurse and feed the group?

It makes her healthy strong and smart,

Mommy's milk is the best start!

Would you nurse him at the game?

Would you nurse her in the rain?

In front of those who dare complain?

I would nurse him at the game.

I would nurse her in the rain.

As for those who protest lactation,

I have a perfect explanation.

Mommy milk is tailor made

It's perfect food, you need no aid..

Some may scoff and some may wriggle,

Avert their eyes or even giggle.

To those who can be cruel and rude,

Remind them breast's the perfect food!

I would never scoff or giggle,

Roll my eyes or even wiggle!

I would not be so crass or crude,

I KNOW that milk's the perfect food!

We make the right amount we need,

The perfect temp for every feed.

There's no compare to milk from breast---

The perfect food, above the rest.

Those nursing smiles are oh so sweet,

Mommy milk is such a treat.

Human milk just can't be beat.

I will nurse, in any case,

On the street or in your face.

I will not let my baby cry,

I'll meet his needs, I'll always try.

It's not about what's good for you,

It's best for babies, through and through.

I will nurse him in my home,

I will nurse him when I roam.

Leave me be lads, leave me be ma'am.

I will nurse him, mom I am.

1 Corinthians for Mothers

2008-12-18T21:48:00.000-06:00

I borrowed this from my friend, M, on myspace. I hope this helps some of you out there like it helped me.

If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in its place,
but have not love,

I am a housekeeper, not a homemaker.
If I have time for waxing, polishing, and decorative achievements,
but have not love,
my children learn cleanliness, not godliness.

If I scream at my children for every infraction,
and fault them for every mess they make,
but have not love,
my children become people-pleasers, not obedient children.

Love leaves the dust in search of a child’s laugh.

Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on a newly cleaned window.

Love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk.

Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys.

Love accepts the fact that I am the ever-present “mommy,”
the taxi-driver to every childhood event,
the counsellor when my children fail or are hurt.

Love crawls with the baby, walks with the toddler, and runs with the child,
then stands aside to let the youth walk into adulthood.

Before I became a mother I took glory in my house of perfection.
Now I glory in God’s perfection of my child.

All the projections I had for my house and my children
have faded away into insignificance,
And what remain are the memories of my kids.

Now there abides in my home scratches on most of the furniture,
dishes with missing place settings,
and bedroom walls full of stickers, posters and markings,

But the greatest of all is the Love
that permeates my relationships with my children.

I love Snow!

2008-12-11T20:19:00.002-06:00

It snowed yesterday. Yes in Houston, Texas, where Hurricane Ike hit us 2 months ago, it SNOWED! It didn't stick for us, but it stuck in the other parts of town. I still can't believe it snowed. I'm just floored.

The boys played outside for a while in it. Z kept asking "What is this?" and then he kept calling it a ball. R was trying to catch snow flakes in his mouth and just had fun running around.

I have decided that I love snow like that. I love it and could probably put up with it for a while. It helps to know that the cold weather is going to produce something gorgeous in the end. It makes it all worth it. :)

An Insight to Me

2008-12-09T20:02:00.002-06:00

I'm an overachiever and a perfectionist. I set these goals for myself and if I don't meet them, I beat myself up for a while.

So my unrealistic goals lately were 1. to make an A in Anatomy 2. To make all A's this semester in all 4 of my classes.

Now before kids this would have been a piece of cake so automatically I assume that I can do it with kids. Yeah I was wrong. I didn't do horribly in Anatomy, I got an 85, but dammit it's not my goal. I didn't meet my goal so I failed. I know it sounds stupid and petty, because an 85 is awesome for a hard class that people normally fail, but I am disappointed.

I know you're probably thinking "It's a B, what's the big deal?", right? It is a big deal. I have to get an A next semester otherwise I can't get into the nursing program. I NEED an A.

So I'm going to mope a bit, and then move on and know that I'll do better next semester. Crap, I just figured something out...if I wouldn't have had to miss 2 labs and something else, then I would have an A. Son of a bitch. Okay...I learned to not miss important things.

Anyhow, next semester I will do it and I will be fine. I will meet my goal of an A in Anatomy and I will get into the nursing program.

7 More Random Things

2008-12-07T20:45:00.003-06:00

Apparently I got tagged to do this again. :)

I'm a perfectionist and when I don't live up to my expectations, I beat myself up.
I'm a romantic, and even though I've been hurt, I still hope that one day I'll have my romantic guy.
Sometimes my kids annoy the hell out of me.
I love being pampered: hair, nails, toes.
I am addicted to several shows : Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Gossip Girl, and Storm Chasers.
I love different pens and have to buy a different type every other trip to the store or so to try them out.
As much as I try to be nice and have positive intent towards my ex, I can't do it. He sent me a text message today, and I wanted to tell him off. Today when R said he missed his daddy, I almost told him "I'm sorry your father is an ass who doesn't love you enough to call." I figured that would be bad so I gave him a hug and shut my mouth. Ex is a sorry bastard who doesn't deserve my children.

My Calyx

2008-12-06T22:54:00.003-06:00

I hinted at this in a previous blog.

Z loves being worn, he loves being held. I bought a pouch to wear him on my hip and it's slightly comfortable. It's not the best thing in the world but for $30 it does the job. I could place him on my hip and not have to use hands, muscles, etc. I haven't used it that often because I didn't get in the practice of using it all of the time.

I decided to take the plunge and buy a SSC (soft-sided carrier) to put Z on my back comfortably and easily. I tried out and Ergo and didn't like it so much. I wasn't comfortable and I couldn't get him on my back by myself. I asked around about the Beco Butterfly and the Calyx. I've heard hands down that the Calyx is the most comfortable ever.

After doing research and talking to people, I decided to take the plunge and buy a Calyx. I wanted my own so I picked out fabric and waited 6ish weeks for this carrier. Once it got here, I tried it on right away and put Z in it as soon as he got home from daycare, and I fell in love. It is wonderful!!

I can put Z on my back, by myself and he's happy. He loves it! It's comfortable and doesn't feel like I'm carrying 25ish pounds of toddler on my back. It's easy to use, especially while walking through a crowded mall. I don't have to worry about the stroller and pushing it through crowds. This thing is awesome!

If you're interested here is the link to check them out.

Here are some pictures of the Calyx and then Z in the Calyx.

7 Random Things

2008-12-06T14:24:00.002-06:00

Casey has decided to tag me for 7 Random Things about Me.

The Rules

1. Post the rules on your blog.

2. Write 7 random things about yourself.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post.

Okay here we go.

I'm really enjoying school. I love learning; I love knowing that I'm learning what I enjoy. I love going to school every day accomplishing something.
I have a list of books that I'm going to read, starting Wednesday after my last final. My goal is to finish those books in a month. Top of the list: Twilight.
I sometimes think I live in the wrong part of the country.
I just got my hair done on Thursday, and I am IN LOVE with it.
I'm not quite sure if I have 7 people who follow my blog to do this.
I've lost 20 pounds since August, and I can't tell a difference.
I bought the new Britney Spears' CD on Tuesday, and I actually enjoy it.

Now for people to do this. If you've done it, please respond in my comments with a link so I can go read it. :)

Angel
Dot
Maria
Shannon
Nic
Laur
Rosi

Wow I did have 7 people. :)

Win a Free Embriodered Ergo

2008-11-24T19:24:00.002-06:00

Click on me and you can win!

Cheesey I know, but hey, one can never have too many baby carriers, right?

P.S. I still LOVE my Calyx. That's a different post for today. :)

I apologize

2008-11-23T10:41:00.002-06:00

I apologize for not being around. I got a stomach bug that kicked my rear (ha) and I was out of commission for almost an entire week. I couldn't even go to school, that's how sick I was.

I really was going to do the posting for a month straight thing but well, that didn't happen. It's a lot harder than it sounds, especially when you're sick.

So I want to apologize for sucking on the NaBloPoMo thing. I really am disappointed I couldn't do it.

Motrin and Baby Wearing

2008-11-16T12:35:00.003-06:00

I have come out of my flu induced haze to post this blog:

Someone at motrin.com decided it would be a wonderful idea to do a new commercial "appealing" to the baby wearing mamas of the country. If you haven't seen the commercial, you should go to www.motrin.com and watch it. Here's the words in case it's gone:

Wearing your baby seems to be in fashion.

I mean, in theory it’s a great idea.

There’s the front baby carrier, sling, schwing, wrap, pouch.

And who knows what else they’ve come up with. Wear your baby on your side, your front, go hands free.

Supposedly, it’s a real bonding experience.

They say that babies carried close to the bod tend to cry less than others.

But what about me? Do moms that wear their babies cry more than those who don’t?

I sure do!

These things put a ton of strain on your back, your neck, your shoulders. Did I mention your back?!

I mean, I’ll put up with the pain because it’s a good kind of pain; it’s for my kid.

Plus, it totally makes me look like an official mom.

And so if I look tired and crazy, people will understand why.

(taken from: Crunchy Domestic Goddess )

This is my response to the ad:

Apparently someone dropped the ball on this whole babywearing commercial on motrin.com. If you wear your baby correctly, with the right carriers, there will be no pain. Obviously no research was done to find that out. Instead of this commercial helping you with the babywearing community, it really messed you up. Way to piss off a huge community at once. Thumbs Up!

Obviously this is a very smart ass comment but it's about all I could muster. I just don't understand who thought that it would be a good ad. Let's release this ad during International Babywearing Week and appeal to mamas who wear their babies by insulting them? Yeah makes sense doesn't it?

/end rant

Going back to my flu induced exhaustion.

Mental Day

2008-11-07T21:18:00.002-06:00

I took a mental health day today because I was fried from a few nights ago when I had to finish the first part of a class in a few hours. It was all my fault but I can't change how it worked out. Yesterday I was fried but went to English because I had to turn in a paper. I knew that there was no way I would be able to go to school today and absorb everything that was being taught so I skipped. I honestly had no good reason to skip except for the fact that I wanted to. I wanted to be lazy today so I did it.

I played around on the internet for a while, watched some tv and then I took a nap for all of 5 minutes. I went out to eat Olive Garden and then I went to get the boys from daycare. For dinner, I was being lazy so instead of cooking food, I took them to Chick Fil A where they got to play for an hour. They loved it.

It was a good Friday. This weekend is going to suck so I figured I might as well have a blow off day, right?

Apparently...

2008-11-06T21:47:00.002-06:00

I don't feed my child enough. Not R, but Z. He will go to the pantry, bring out a box of food, grab whatever package out of the box and bring it to me. Today it's been beef ramen noodles and strawberry poptarts. When he did this earlier, I gave him a banana and some raisins. This evening we split a poptart. Not the healthiest for him but it was a good treat. :)

So now Mr. I never get to eat is eating again. Maybe he'll unlatch soon so I can clean off my bed and go to sleep.

Adventures in My Life

2008-11-05T21:25:00.001-06:00

Before I had children, I had no idea how emotionally chaotic my life would be. I thought that whatever I said in terms of rules would go, and there would be no fighting. Let's all laugh at me on that one. Obviously I was a new mom with unreasonable expectations. Having one child was chaotic enough but then I threw in another one for fun(?) and well my life has not been the same since.

We were walking through Wal Mart today and my youngest, Z, started hitting and pinching my oldest, R. Z was angry and frustrated at R, because well he could be I guess? I don't know what caused him to be so angry at R, but it happened. One second Z was riding peacefully in the basket and the next he was hitting R on the head and pinching him. R knows better than to react to Z, because Z is only 15 months old and R is 4. We stopped walking, I looked at Z and told him that it wasn't nice. I told him he needed to do nice gentle touches, and then I showed him what nice gentle touches were. He kind of giggled, tried to pinch R again, so I repeated the process. He patted R on the hand, smiled, and we went on our way.

My perception was that Z was frustrated with R because of several reasons. I think he was frustrated, because R was getting to walk, R was getting to help pick things out, and R was touching Z's basket. As adults, we realize that these are very unreasonable things to be upset about but to a 15 month old, it's the end of the world. An older woman was walking by as I was doing the "gentle touches" routine, and she looked at me and smiled. I'm not quite sure if she thought I was off of my rocker (which is very possible being a single mom to 2 young boys and going to school full time), or if she approved of my way of handling the situation. I like to think it's the latter, so I'll continue to live in my own little bubble with that thought. I like to think that she perceived me as a well put together mom who keeps her temper and does not yell and scream at her children. My boys perceived it as a game, and they do not realize that while it was fun, they were also learning.

Have you Voted?

2008-11-04T09:27:00.003-06:00

Today is November 4, 2008, aka Election Day. Today the people of America will vote and the next president of the United States will be chosen.

I have voted. I voted early because I didn't want to wait in line today. Yeah, it kind of loses the thought in translation but at least I voted. I know some people who are registered to vote and "can't find the time" today to vote. It aggravates me but maybe one day they'll get it too.

I think America is so jaded by everything right now and we need a change. My fear is that no matter who's chosen that nothing will change and everything will be the same. We'll see what happens.

For now my message is this: GO VOTE! Do your part in being an American. :)

Discipline

2008-11-03T15:56:00.002-06:00

I am not a main stream parent. I do not believe in spanking, hitting, yelling, etc to get your children to mind. Now, just because I do not believe in it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen sometimes. Yes, sometimes I loose my temper, and I do end up yelling at them, but I really try to prevent it.

I think what bothers me the most is hearing "You are a bad boy" or "You are bad". I know that sometimes it just happens to slip out to some people, but they don't realize how detrimental those words can be to a young child's self esteem.

Apparently they have never heard of self fulfilling prophecy. Self fulfilling prophecy is when a child is told something so often in his/her life that they make it come true. For example: let's say Tom is told repeatedly how horrible he is, how dumb he is, and how he'll never amount to anything. Because Tom has heard this his entire life, he'll make it come true; not because he isn't good enough, but because he doesn't think he'll ever be any different.

I think a child who hears how he/she is bad is just setting them up for failure and a low self esteem. The job as parents and caregivers is to help provide a stable, positive home environment; to help children grow emotionally and physically so they are good adults. I think that sometimes people forget that children are equals, not lesser people. Children deserve the same amount of respect as any other person in the world. To talk down to a child is teaching him/her to talk down to everyone they come in contact with as they grow. To talk down to a child is setting him/her up for a horribly low self esteem and problems for the rest of their lives.

Some people who read this may think I'm off my rocker, but this is how I think. This is how I parent. My children are equals to me. Yes I am Mommy, and I make the rules, and they should listen to me, BUT I consider them just as human as me with the same rights.

Cleaning

2008-11-02T11:56:00.002-06:00

I hate cleaning, I really do. I don't mind cleaning up after my boys and myself but when it comes to other people who are perfectly capable of doing it themselves, I hate it.

I hate cooking for other people too, especially when they're picky and won't eat much, or always complain about what I'm cooking.

I spent all day yesterday doing laundry. To be perfectly honest, I started on Friday night because my diapers take forever to wash and I finished last night. I didn't have that much laundry to do but each wash for the diapers takes 2 hours and then each wash for normal clothes takes an hour and then I was doing stuff in between. Why does it seem like laundry never stops? I did most of it yesterday and there's more to do today. *sigh* I can't imagine doing everyone's in this house. I'd probably die from aggravation from doing laundry all of the time.

Okay now time for homework. I have a week from hell this week coming up.

National Blog Posting Month

2008-11-01T11:26:00.001-05:00

Today kicks off the day for blogging for 30 days straight. I am going to try my hardest to do it and to not miss a day, unlike last year. I was doing really well last year until I decided to go spend the night at Kasey's and I missed it. Oh well, life happens. :)

Speaking of life, mine has been completely crazy but it's fun. The boys are awesome, Zach is still nursing (woohoo), and school is going well.

Here's to a month straight of blogging every day!

Cloth Vs. Disposable

2008-10-18T11:03:00.001-05:00

I wrote this paper for my English class. I thought I would share it here for everyone to read.

Cloth Diapers Vs. Disposable Diapers

When a couple finds out that they are going to be parents, one baby item that is always needed is diapers. Soon-to-be parents start buying diapers from the beginning in order to have a stockpile since diapers are needed so often and so many are needed. Most parents go to the store and start buying disposable diapers, because they think that disposable diapers are their only choice. When parents hear the phrase “cloth diapers” they automatically assume that it is more expensive, more trouble, and not as absorbent as a disposable. Cloth diapers have changed since twenty years ago. Gone are the days of pins and wet clothes. While disposable diapers are what parents usually use, cloth diapers are just as convenient.

One of the first things parents think about is cost. They know that diapers are expensive and they are needed all of the time so there is no break in buying diapers. Many parents work buying diapers into a monthly budget and will allot a certain amount of money a month towards diapers. They think that disposable diapers are cheaper because the money will buy more. A box of disposable diapers is $40.00 for 100 diapers. Those diapers last two weeks before more have to be bought. A family with one baby can spend at least $80 a month on disposable diapers. If a family is struggling to make ends meet, that money towards diapers can mean the difference between having enough money to buy food or skimping on food for the month. As a whole, Americans spend $7 billion a year on diapers alone. That $7 billion can make a huge difference to a lot of families if it was saved every month instead of spent on diapers.

Cloth diapers are more expensive in the beginning but once a parent has enough, more do not have to be bought. Cloth diapers are a one-time investment and that is it. Once a parent has their stash of cloth diapers, there will not be any more late night store runs because the baby used up all of the diapers. One cloth diaper ranges from $10-$20 but that diaper can be washed and reused over and over again until the child is potty trained. Cloth diapering mamas recommend having no less than 8 cloth diapers for one day. Obviously a parent would have to do laundry, but having a baby means doing laundry so washing diapers is not much more work. Parents think that by washing another load of laundry, the electric and water bill will increase but in reality it only goes up a few cents a month.

Another thing parents like about disposable diapers is that they are easy to use. The caregiver takes the diaper out of the package, unfolds the diaper and places the diaper on the baby. The diaper is on, sometimes leak-proof, and the baby can get down and move around. After the diaper is soiled, the caregiver removes the diaper and throws the diaper away in the diaper pail and the process repeats. During a diaper change, sometimes diaper cream is used to heal or prevent a rash but the process is the same. The soiled diaper is removed, thrown away, and new diaper is put on with some diaper cream. The diaper changing process is done through out the day and even over night.

What most parents do not realize is that cloth diapers are just as convenient as disposable diapers. Most cloth diapers now are made with Velcro or snaps to secure the diaper on the child. Most cloth diapers are one diaper with no extra pieces needed for diaper changes. A parent takes the cloth diaper, unfolds it, puts it on the baby, and the baby can get down and run around. Leaks and messes are very uncommon with cloth diapers because they are more secure and fit the baby better. If the thought of messing with dirty diapers makes a parent shy away, there are disposable liners that can be thrown away or flushed. What most parents do not know is that with cloth diapers, very rarely is diaper cream needed because rashes are uncommon. When mixed with urine or feces, the perfumes in disposables cause bacteria to grow and can cause diaper rashes. In cloth diapers, there are no perfumes, chemicals, or additives so nothing is against the baby’s skin to cause a rash. Moisture is kept away from the baby’s skin better than in a disposable so it is more comfortable for a baby. The inside of a cloth diaper is mainly fleece or micro-fleece so it is extra soft to keep baby clean and dry.

Lastly, when parents decide between disposable diapers there is not much choice between colors and patterns. A parent gets a choice of Disney, Barney, or Blue’s Clues depending on which brand they decide to use. Most disposable diapers are white, gender neutral with a character on the front and back of the diaper. They are boring, dull and plain, but that is what is offered so a parent has to deal with it. If a certain brand does not work on your child, you have to buy another brand that is just as dull and boring. The outsides of diapers are not soft and often cause irritation to delicate baby skin.

What parents do not know is that there is an option in cloth diapers. A parent can get any color and any pattern of the rainbow on their diapers. There is a choice, and diapers can be bought to coordinate with outfits, seasons, likes, characters and softness. Most diapers are cotton outside which is soft and does not irritate the baby’s skin. Other diapers can be fleece, which is just as soft as cotton, and comes in more prints and patterns. Some diapers are mink, which feels like a blanket, and can help to keep the baby warm in the cold winter months. Cloth diapers can be custom made to fit what the parent likes, and to fit what the parent wants when it comes to a diaper. Some diapers can represent a favorite sports team, a favorite character or a favorite print. As babies turn into toddlers, diapers can be fun for them as well, especially if a diaper has their favorite cartoon character on it. With cloth diapers, there will be no more boring, dull, gender-neutral prints. Cloth diapers are fashionable and fun.

Disposable diapers have been the norm for years. Parents automatically grab disposable because they are “easier” and parents do not know better to change. Cloth diapers are just as easy, they are cheaper, and they are more fashionable than disposable diapers. Cloth diapers are also easier on sensitive baby skin than disposables, which cause rashes and irritations. As more parents become educated about cloth diapers, cloth diapers will become more popular. Eventually, cloth diapers will become a norm instead of a rarity.

Mac vs PC

2008-10-04T18:48:00.004-05:00

I broke down. I did it. I finally made the switch from PC to Mac and I can say that I LOVE my Mac so far.

It takes some getting used to, to not have a right click mouse thing, or be able to touch the mouse pad to click and to have to figure out things but I like it. I really like how uncomplicated it is. Give me a few more weeks and I'll have an updated Mac vs PC blog entry but for now...that is all I know. :)

Now I'm obsessed with accessories for my laptop. I want a hard shell to protect the beauty of my laptop or maybe some type of pretty sleeve for it. I already have Office (which I need to install) but there are so many fun things I can do on this. I haven't even discovered all of it yet.

I'm happy with it. It makes me happy to have it. :)

Sleeping Angels Contest

2008-10-01T17:23:00.003-05:00

My wonderful friend, Casey, linked me to a contest through 5 Minutes for Mom for a new bedroom set. This bedroom set is from Home and Bedroom Furniture and they are offering the South Shore Children's Bedroom Set in either Lily Rose or Summer Breeze. Seeing as I don't have any girls, obviously I'd choose the Summer Breeze. The ironic part about that bedroom set is that it was the one I wanted for Ray but I never bought because we were in Guam and it was too expensive to ship it over to us, even if we bought it through the Exchange.

In order to enter this contest you have to blog a picture of your sleeping angel(s) so here's my beautiful picture. Before I took this picture, I was in between the boys and when I got up, Ray moved towards Zach to get closer to him.

Thanks for looking!

School Stuff

2008-09-29T23:56:00.003-05:00

I know that my last blog was cryptic but I really didn't want to write more than I did.

I've been second guessing myself on a lot of things lately and it's been stressing the hell out of me. On Friday I was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to cut it in Anatomy and that I was doing the wrong thing. I worry every day that I am doing the wrong thing and that I'm somehow ruining my kids. I worry when I shouldn't and I feel as if I'm always worrying.

I took my first test in Anatomy on Friday and I didn't do too horribly bad. I got a 75 which sucks for me because it's not an A or B but it's a 75 and better than most of the other people in the class. With that grade and 2 crappy quiz grades dropped I have an 83 in there. It's not good enough and that sucks. I'm wondering if I'll be able to pull an A or at least a high B so maybe she'll bump it up to an A. I NEED this A otherwise I will retake Anatomy 1 until I get that A. I really don't want to do that. No I'm not being melodramatic or putting too much pressure on myself. In order to get into this nursing program, you have to have a total of 12 points. The 12 points come from different things, including 4 at most from a test you take. They only want to accept 50 people out of 500 that apply. That's 50 people...only 50, and most of those people have A's in Anatomy and didn't jack around and screw up. I don't have the time or money to screw up so I am putting tons of pressure on myself.

In other news...I have an A+ in psychology. I received a 97 on my first test in there. Woohoo go me! Tomorrow we turn a paper into English and start another one.

Things are going and I'm going to do this. I had a minor freak out over the weekend but I'm back to normal now. I will be okay and I will succeed. I have no choice and I will not accept anything other than success.

Decisions

2008-09-27T14:14:00.001-05:00

It's time to make a decision.

What to do?

I feel pretty

2008-09-23T19:32:00.002-05:00

I have a confession...are you ready for this?

I love to get beautified. I love to have my hair done, my nails done, get pedicures. I love to primp and be pretty.

I hadn't gotten a manicure since Zach was a month old or so and a pedicure in only Lord knows how long. It was time, well beyond time actually and I finally got to go yesterday! I got a deluxe pedicure, a manicure AND my sister's friend re-dyed my hair so it's finally the color I want. I LOVE it! I feel pretty, finally! I think I'm going to have to find a way to budget in enough money for mani/pedis every month because of how good I feel about myself.

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty...."

Home :)

2008-09-20T16:03:00.002-05:00

We are finally home. We left Austin yesterday afternoon and as soon as we pulled into Dad's driveway, we had power! We spent last night here and things have been lovely. Britt and I went to Wal Mart today to restock the freezers, fridge and pantry and spent over $400. It was insane but I'm glad we had the money to do it.

While at Wal Mart today, Zach had an obsession with patting my boobs and he'd get mad when I wouldn't let him. I'm not quite sure why but eh whatever. It's Zachary and he's a boob boy.

I start school again on Monday and it's going to be interesting. We haven't been in the school mode for over a week but we'll see how it goes.

Sorry to Vent

2008-09-18T17:24:00.002-05:00

I know it seems like all I ever do is vent but I have nowhere else to vent.

I have been in Austin since Ike hit and there is no power whatsoever. I have felt like a burden and like I've been annoying everyone here since I got here. I've been doing my best to keep the boys in line and under control and not have them under everyone's feet. We've been going non stop since Monday or Tuesday and quite frankly I'm exhausted. I know, though, that keeping them out of the house is the best because they run energy out and they don't tear the house apart.

Today we were gone all day but somehow Zach managed to get into the toilet paper and unroll some in my aunt's and uncle's bedroom. Instead of throwing the toilet paper away my uncle comes out and says
"You have to keep an eye on him. Your grandma can't chase him around all day, you have to watch him. It's not fair for her to have to do all of it." I sat there in shock and said "We haven't been home all day. We've been gone. I don't know when he would have done that" and he kept going on and on and on telling me how I had to watch him and not let him run around and I can't let Grandma do all of the work.

I'm in tears right now. I just feel like I've been attacked. I've done my best to keep them all entertained and not put anyone out and then this happens. She hasn't been watching him, I have. The ONLY time she's gone after him is if I'm busy or if she's already up and she goes to get him.

I think I'm going somewhere this weekend. Not sure where, but just away from here. I'm tired of being made to feel as if I'm a burden.

I want sleep....

2008-09-13T21:57:00.002-05:00

I don't quite know if I really like myself. I'm having one of those nights.

I want to go home. I'm stressed because I'm not at home. I'm stressed because they haven't canceled school yet for Monday so whether Dad has power or not, we're leaving in the morning. I'm stressed because the boys aren't at home so they're acting out. I'm stressed because I have 2 tests on Monday or whenever I go back that I'm really not ready for.

I'm exhausted, I'm tired. I'm tired of doing it all alone. I'm just tired...exhausted...ready for life to settle down at some point, maybe? Maybe not..who knows.

Well we left

2008-09-12T14:27:00.002-05:00

Apparently Hurricane Ike never got the memo to miss Texas and has Houston in his cross hairs. Each day it keeps shifting further and further east but Houston is going to get slammed either way. Right now, the ocean has reached the top of the seawall in Galveston and the hurricane is still several hours away from making landfall.

Britt, the boys and I left yesterday morning. We didn't have a mandatory evacuation for our zip code but we left anyways. I didn't want to put the boys through the stress of 80-100 mph winds, no electricity and possible tornadoes. I can't keep them safe from windows breaking, etc, so I left. We're in Austin with family and truthfully I'm a little bored. I wish I hadn't left but I'm glad I did. There are lots of Houstonians here that we've seen and we know that we'll be able to go home soon.

For those reading this, please pray that Houston isn't demolished and that nobody is killed. I want to go home and I want a home to go home to.

I love Co Sleeping

2008-09-10T07:39:00.001-05:00

I love having both boys snuggling around me or around each other. I love having warm babies close to me and cuddling with me. I love the look on Zach's face when he fully wakes up and realizes that he's next to me or attached to the boob. I love the pats and the kisses. I just love co sleeping.

I'm Confused

2008-09-08T09:43:00.002-05:00

That's all...just confused. I have a ton of stuff I need to work through in my head...just confused.

This makes me sick

2008-09-07T08:32:00.002-05:00

All summer the news has been playing stories on how parents "forget" their children in vehicles and the children end up dying because of the heat. How the hell do you "forget" your child? How do you not remember that you have this beautiful (or in my case these beautiful) child/children in your car and you need to take care of them? How do you do that?

I just read a story that a local mom (she's 20) got home from a party around 5 am and left her kids in the car. She woke up around 1 pm and remembered them. The kids survived but are in ICU. CPS doesn't want to give them back for good reason. The father wants custody of them but he has no job, income or driver's license. I just...I don't know. It makes me sick to even think about it.

Maybe I'm abnormal but my kids are my life. My kids are the reason why I am who I am. I would never forget them.

Stories like that make me want to hug my babies a little tighter and love them a little more.

Our 2nd Week

2008-09-05T16:13:00.001-05:00

This week was so much better! Of course we didn't go to school on Tuesday but Wednesday-Friday were a major improvement on the daycare front.

Zach has actually been laying himself down on the nap mat to go to sleep. Every teacher there said how much he's improved AND he even got a happy face on the mood yesterday. Today he was grumpy because he woke up from his nap before he was ready but he's doing better. :D Today she just had to pat his back and he fell back asleep for another few hours.

Ray LOVES his new school. He is actually excited to go and today told me he can't wait for Monday. Wednesday and Thursday I walked him to his new room but today I dropped him off at the front where they drop off car riders and then cried the entire way home because it's another step to him growing up. I have no idea how I'm going to be next year for Kindergarten.

School for me is going well. I'm remembering why I love learning and why I love psychology so much. We're doing genetics in psych right now and I'm loving it. My teacher asked me what I was planning on doing and why I wasn't doing genetics. That made me feel pretty awesome. :) Anatomy...I had a quiz on Wednesday that I was not prepared for (date the night before coupled with stress from finding out about Ray) BUT I knew my stuff and I got an A. :) I missed 2 questions but it should have only been one. I got a term confused but had the first part right. She still counted it wrong though. Oh well. :)

That's our update. I hope that things continue to improve. :)

7 Interesting Things About Me

2008-09-04T11:12:00.002-05:00

My loving friend, Angel, wanted me to do this a while ago and I honestly didn't know what I would say. I still don't so it may be boring but I sure as hell am going to try.

1. I love psychology. I don't know why but I just love to know what and why things happen. I have to say that is my favorite class.

2. I really do like Anatomy. I love learning about the different body parts and what chemical reactions happen to cause whatever happens. Yeah technical terms but I enjoy it.

3. I'm not a shy person once you get to know me, or as I found out recently, if someone makes me feel comfortable enough to open up right away. Scary isn't it?

4. I am finally starting to feel at peace with the way things are. I'm at the right place in my life right now. School, kids, personal life, everything.

5. I have a horrible self esteem problem and I don't really know how to fix it. I'm sick to death of it but I don't know how to make it better.

6. I am a really good person. I have good morals, I have a wonderful upbringing, I've been blessed. I deserve better than what I was settling for.

7. I am me. I am goofy, I am fun, I am silly, I am serious, I am smart, I am educated. I am a wonderful mother, friend, girlfriend (wife whatever). I am crunchy and that's okay. I am strong enough to handle what life has thrown at me and will continue to throw at me. I can do it.

Now I think I'm supposed to pick someone else to do this but I don't know who all reads this so if you're reading this, do it. :)

Well...

2008-09-04T07:25:00.002-05:00

Well apparently I was worrying over my date for nothing. Apparently he really likes me. How do I trust that?

I hate being so scared but damn it, I'm tired. I'm tired of giving my heart, just to have it ripped away and stomped on. I hate being so afraid. I wish I was like I used to be, giving my heart freely but times have changed. I'm older, I have been through 2 heartbreaks (major ones) and I have 2 little boys who are confused as hell because of all of it.

He (we'll call him B) doesn't know how serious K and I were. He doesn't know that we were going to get married. He does know I was living with him but he doesn't know the rest. I'm guessing he can assume but he doesn't know for sure.

Part of me wants to believe him and wants to believe it when he says he really likes me but the other part is going "yeah right." In my head I'm thinking why me? Why am I this lucky? I told him he just has to let me take it the way I want to and I'll be okay.

I guess we'll see what happens, right?

I don't get it

2008-09-03T17:22:00.002-05:00

A while ago (when I was first married) I told my cousin that I was so happy I would never have to worry about dating again. Yeah look at me now...dating again. What the hell, I hate it. I really really do.

Things with Kasey are done. He stopped calling me for some reason and so I just said screw it. I'm done. If he wants to play these games, then I'm done. I have enough shit going on in my life, I don't need some immature games because he's pissed that I didn't answer my phone when he called.

I went on a date last night and I had a really good time but I hate the doubts. The "what if he doesn't like me" doubts or the "what if he doesn't like what I look like" doubts or the "what if it's just me feeling like we're having a good time and he's just being nice" doubts. I hate it. I hate doubting stuff. I hate the unknown.

Everything is so unsettled in my life right now and I hate it. I am scared out of my mind for Ray (he has cysts in his sinuses and we're going to a neurologist next week), I'm scared out of my mind about school and god things with Dad are making me uneasy.

He's dating this new girl who is 34 (yes 9 years older than me) and she has an 11 year old and a 12 year old. Apparently he's serious about it and they've been talking about buying a house. Well her daughter told me and Britt that it's a 5 bedroom house. Guess what? We all don't fit into a 5 bedroom house. We need at least 7 bedrooms to fit everyone and we are not moving south of the city.

I just wish life was normal and easy but that wouldn't be my life. So here I sit, crying because I just am so blah, and wanting to just sleep the day away.

Kentucky Mom Asked to Stop Breastfeeding

2008-08-11T08:41:00.003-05:00

http://www.kentucky.com/181/story/482335.html

This story makes me so mad on so many levels, I can't even begin to describe how I feel.

I think it's a case of an ignorant person being told by another ignorant person that what this woman was doing was disgusting and perverse.

Breastfeeding is not perverse, it's not sexual. It's feeding your baby and giving your baby the best start that you can.

Beginning to feel the stress

2008-08-02T21:45:00.003-05:00

I'm beginning to feel the stress of being a single mom to 2 kids, young kids at that. Zach is a high needs baby and no it's not because I've spoiled him. It's how he is. I'm okay with it some days. Other days it sucks. Like now.

He's stubborn and when he wants what he wants, he wants that and nothing else. I can't do anything without him pitching a fit lately and it's driving me crazy. I used to have help, but not so much anymore.

*sigh*

Blank

2008-08-02T15:08:00.002-05:00

Dad's dating a new woman and seeing them together so happy makes me sad. I want that.

She has 2 children who are 11 and 12. The girl has latched on to Britt which is fine but at the same time I want her to go away. I want my sister to myself right now.

We went today to take her kids to the painting place. R, Z and I went with them and R painted and had a blast but then he would just sit there and look at my dad like "Why aren't you helping me?" Dad wouldn't even help R wash his hands. Then Z was grumpy like always and I was just overwhelmed. I didn't sign up to do this on my own.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'm allowed I guess.

Extended Nursing

2008-07-27T09:50:00.003-05:00

I have been receiving comments about when I am going to wean Zach and after reading Casey's blog (www.beautifulletdown.net) about extended nursing I decided to put my own reasons down. Thanks Casey. :)

R nursed for 2 years and 1 month. The only reason he weaned was because I had to get my wisdom teeth removed and I couldn't nurse him and keep up enough strength for myself. He was okay with it and hasn't missed it. He's never asked questions, he's never asked to nurse. It was time for both of us. With R I did get some comments but never many because I wasn't at home and around people. Ex did make comments so I just chose to not nurse around him. He knew I was still nursing but as long as he didn't have to see it, he was okay with it.

Z has been a booby baby from the get go. He has nursed on demand his entire life. In the beginning we had so many problems that I almost gave up. We developed thrush ( http://www.kellymom.com/bf/concerns/thrush/index.html ) and because of thrush I had horrible holes in my nipples. I had cracked, bleeding nipples, thrush, an over active let down ( http://www.kellymom.com/bf/supply/fast-letdown.html ) , a milk sensitive baby, the problems kept coming and coming. I almost gave up because I was in so much pain but I knew I loved nursing too much to give up. Once 6 weeks hit, life got better. Things finally clicked. I started block nursing to help combat the overactive letdown, thrush finally went away and our nursing relationship really began.

I was in no rush to begin solids with Z because I knew that he was getting everything he needed from nursing. When he did start them, nursing didn't decrease, in fact I think it increased some days. He loves to nurse. He loves the comfort.

So here we are, 1 year and still nursing strong. Starting school is going to put up another road block in our nursing relationship but I'm going to keep doing it. I will pump during the day if I need to and then let him nurse away at night.

Extended nursing is not for everyone. I respect that so all I ask in return is that you respect my decision to continue our nursing relationship.

Here are some wonderful resources for you to read, if you so choose, about extended nursing and the benefits.

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/index.html

http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics;115/2/496

Pediatricians and parentsshould be aware that exclusive breastfeedingis sufficient tosupport optimal growth and development forapproximately thefirst 6 months of life and provides continuingprotection againstdiarrhea and respiratory tract infection.^{30,34,128,178–184}Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first yearof life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by motherand child.¹⁸⁵

Some Good News

2008-07-27T01:21:00.002-05:00

Things haven't been good around here. My mom is still full of problems and I just can't deal with it anymore. Last night she put me and my children in harm's way and I'm done. Until she can decide to be an adult and take care of herself, I can't do it anymore. I will talk to her, I will see her sometimes but that's about it.

So here's the good news. I'm going back to school August 25th. I'm not just doing business or something like that, I'm doing nursing. I know it's going to be difficult but for the first time I know what I want to major in and I know I'm doing the right thing.

So that's my update. :)

And once again my no good very bad day

2008-07-18T22:13:00.002-05:00

Things just don't seem to be getting better. We were having a good day and we get a call from my Grandma. Mom's dog died. Mom's dog dying means mom gets depressed and that means mom has to go to the hospital. Guess who took her? Me and Britt. *sigh*

I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I can't deal with anything else bad happening.

Tomorrow is Z's birthday party. I have to wake up at 7 am in order to get everything done that we couldn't get done today.

Good night. I hope tomorrow is tons better.

My No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day

2008-07-18T01:23:00.002-05:00

I hate bitching and complaining but my day sucked ass. It was really horrible.

It started out this morning with this horrible dream where someone was trying to steal Zachary and me. I woke up crying and freaking out because Zach wasn't in bed with me. He was in the living room eating donuts with Kasey and Ray but it still freaked me out. Ray had a donut for breakfast so of course he was bouncing off of the walls because of the sugar, well that and he knew we were going to Papa's.

So he's in the fridge trying to get a cheese stick and he knocks the tea out of the fridge all over the ground. I was so pissed but mainly at myself because I didn't help him. I sent him to his room while I cleaned so he could keep Zach out of the way and I told him he needed to clean his room. He came back at me yelling and screaming that he didn't want to clean his room. No I didn't respond the way I really wanted to but shit happens. I yelled back and sent him back in there.

Kasey comes home, we get ready to leave to go to Dad's and I am just in a horrible mood. We're driving, almost halfway to Dad's and the front left tire blows out on me. I allow myself a few minutes to cry and then we get somewhat off of the freeway so Kasey can start changing the tire. He gets the car lifted up, the tire almost off and the car falls off of the jack. Yes seriously that happens. The boys and I are in the car and the car falls off of the jack. I can't do anything but sit there in shock, Kasey is in shock sitting on the ground next to the car. We both look at each other like "Well shit..." We are trying to figure out who to call to bring us another jack when a tow truck pulls up. The city hires some tow trucks to tow motorists to safety so they're not on the freeway. That was awesome, except for the fact that the car is resting on the rotor and the boys and I are still in the car. We're in the car while he's pulling the car up onto the flat bed of the truck, as he's driving across two lanes of feeder traffic to a parking lot. It wasn't just a normal parking lot...it was a parking lot for an Adult/Erotica Store. Yeah that's great. Ray was like "Mommy, what buildin' is that?" My answer was "Umm...a not good place."

So we make it to Dad's house all in one piece and my sis and I start running errands. We get almost done and we're having a great time when she gets a phone call from my grandma. Apparently my mom has bruises all over her face from her boyfriend. To make it all even better, her cat died tonight too. So now my sis and I are worried about Mom and trying to figure out how to get her over to Grandma's.

Mom is at Grandma's, my sis is at the movies with her friends, and both of my boys are sleeping. I am no longer wanting to chop my boobs off and just hand them to Zach, and I have been doing some online browsing.

So that's my no good horrible very bad day. I sure hope we don't get to play that game again.

Peace, love and Starbucks....oh yeah I had Starbucks tonight so I am bouncing off of the walls. I need to go to bed soon.

It's My Life

2008-07-13T22:07:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have been saying that ever since I started having my own opinion, something different than other people I grew up around. It's my Life. Mine. People may not agree with my choices but they are mine to make. If I make mistakes they are mine and nobody else's. If I make a mistake yeah it will suck but I'll learn from it and move on. Isn't that what life is about? Taking chances and either fall flat on your ass or have it work?

Some may look at my marriage as a failure because we divorced. Yes in that aspect we failed but damn it I didn't fail completely. I have 2 wonderfully handsome little boys who are happy. They smile and laugh all of the time. They are well taken care of and loved more than I knew I was capable of. I never knew I was able to love as deep and pure as I love my boys. So see...I didn't fail. I didn't make a mistake by marrying him.

So now I get another chance to love. Let me make that decision please. This is my life and I am not going to sit by and watch it pass me by. I am going to grasp for the ring and if I miss, at least I know I tried. If I miss, I will brush myself off and climb back on. That's how I work. I get up and try again.

Let me do it. Let me try. I deserve this chance so keep all negativity to yourself.

Let me go...

Depression

2008-07-12T19:54:00.002-05:00

I've been suffering from depression on and off my entire life. Sounds dramatic I know but I remember being in 5th grade and crying for no reason. Then in 6th grade was when I went on an anti-depressant for the first time. I know you're thinking "holy cow 6th grade, what does a 6th grader have to be depressed about?" It's heredity for me. My mom is severely bipolar and so not only have I been dealing with my own life growing up, I've been dealing with her. Many times I was the parent instead of her.

Looking back to after I had Ray, I was suffering from PPD but didn't know it. I never had the not wanting to bond with him, but the not wanting to shower, just wanting to hold him for fear of something happening to him thing. With Zach, I knew my circumstances were different and a lot harder so I pretty much was going to have PPD no matter what. I got anti depressants after I had him and they worked and then I started feeling better. Yes, I made a huge mistake by going off of them, but I did. *slaps hand*

Now I feel fine but have days of depression. I don't feel suicidal or anything, nor have I ever felt suicidal, I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone but my family. I don't want to go anywhere but with my family. It's affecting my friendships. I don't know what to do. I don't get dressed some days. I'm serious when I say I don't want to do anything.

I haven't found an antidepressant that I really like. I was on Celexa b/c it's approved for breastfeeding and I had emotions on that one. When I was on Zoloft I was a zombie and I hated that. I guess I could try Celexa again, it's just finding a doctor I can use on my insurance.

So that's my story...well the condensed version of it. Oh I should say that a reason why I don't want to stay on medication for an extended period of time is because I am TERRIFIED of winding up like my mother. I've never known a functioning bipolar person (until recently) and it scares me. I am scared that by admitting I suffer from depression, it will turn into bipolar.

I don't really have anxiety. It's just the whole "I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, see anyone" thing. I also have to wonder if my avoidance of "friends" has to do with depression or how they make me feel when I'm with them. I've entered this self preservation mode. If it's not good for me or for my boys then I won't do it. I can't handle it anymore. I know I haven't worked through everything from the divorce. My mode of coping was stay so busy I don't think about it. Healthy huh?

I sometimes go to his myspace page and look. I don't know why. It's not like I want him back because I don't. I don't even know why I go there but I do and it hurts. Not her with him but the fact that he hurt me. He promised to love and cherish me for the rest of his life and I believed that. I trusted him. I wonder if I'll ever learn to trust fully again.

I trust K more than I realize. I trust him enough to be able to blow up at him and say how I really feel and know that he won't get pissed off at me and leave. I trust him enough to take care of my children. trust him enough to let him in to see me, the me I really am. I am still scared that he'll do the same thing Ex did and that's decide he doesn't want to do it all anymore and he'll leave. I know he's not Ex but it still scares me. Maybe that's why I'm so focused on finding a job. That way if he does leave, I know I'll be able to take care of my boys without relying on anyone else. That's not a healthy way to think, is it? If he was going to leave, I think he would have left a long time ago. My life isn't exactly drama free and he just takes it all in stride.

When am I going to learn that it's okay to trust? Will it ever happen again?

Bored

2008-07-10T16:19:00.001-05:00

Oh good Lord I am bored out of my mind.

I cleaned a nasty bathroom today. It needed to be done but it sucks when it's not my shit (lol). I haven't used it that often and yet I still ended up cleaning it. Oh well. Dad appreciated it. I just hope the other 2 do as well.

I have been having a hard time lately. I don't feel as if I fit in anywhere. I don't have many IRL friends and when I do see them, I feel as if there's this weird impasse between us. We have nothing really to talk about and there are strained weird silences. It sucks. A lot.

I've been filling out job applications and submitting resumes because I'm ready to get back into the work force. One job that I sent my resume to was in Dallas. It is 4 hours away from here and I'd be completely on my own but maybe that's what I need? I haven't heard back from them and I'm not really expecting to hear back from them but it got me thinking.

Houston is my home but I've never really liked living here. I was so glad to move away and experience different things. Maybe I just have the Military itch. That itch you get after being in one place for too long. The itch that lets you know it's almost time to switch duty stations. Too bad I'm not a military wifey anymore.

Wow...it's been a Long Time

2008-07-05T09:14:00.002-05:00

I haven't even been blogging on myspace. I just don't have the time for it right now.

Z is walking and getting into everything. R has hit the 4 year old I'm better than everyone stuff and it's driving me crazy. I know it's part of being a mom but man it sucks sometimes. I hate having to be the bad guy but I know it's better that I do it now rather than have him be a shitty ass teenager.

I don't have internet at my house yet and it's driving me crazy. I can't wait until we get the internet. I miss talking to all of my friends online. It's sad but my best friends are online.

Ex got married to the girl from Guam. Why you ask? I don't know. I don't think he loves her. I don't think he's capable of loving anyone but himself. He thinks he loves R but he doesn't. If he did, then he wouldn't not pay child support.

This whole divorce thing has really screwed with my head. I wish I wouldn't have found out about him cheating on me because now I'm terrified that it will happen again. I trust K and I know he wouldn't but it still...I don't know, scares me?

K has a family that has adopted him since he was younger. They live a few minutes away and they're all super nice. I get along with them or at least I thought I did. Ms. D is the mom and she is very strict with the grandkids and I don't agree with it. I never told anyone but K that I don't agree with it and now he thinks I don't like her. I do like her as a person. She is a very sweet, caring, generous person, she really is. And being strict on kids is okay but in MY opinion the way she's doing stuff isn't the way I'd do stuff. And I know the way I do stuff isn't the way she'd do it. That's okay, we can differ on things, especially when it comes to parenting. It just makes my time over there very uncomfortable because I know she's looking at me wondering why I've never left Zach and why he's still breastfed and why when he cries, I pick him up. That's just how I am and how I'll always be. I'm going back to work at some point and I considered asking her to watch the boys on top of the other kids she watches but I don't want her to anymore. I'd rather pay for daycare. How bad is that?

I know this update is more of a vent but I had to get it out. I'm still breastfeeding, Zach is still cloth diapering and we're all happy.

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July!

Opinions Are Like Buttholes, Everyone has one and They Stink

2008-03-10T12:24:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I get so fed up with people who think that their opinions are the only opinions that matter. I am also fed up with people who hear other opinions and get mad about opposing opinions. Why does it matter if someone else has a different opinion, that's what makes people so special. Ugh! People really need to grow up.

We went to a wedding this weekend. It wasn't just any wedding, it was my best friend's wedding. We've been best friends since we were 12 (her) and 11 (me) so it's been a long time. We've been through boyfriends, friends, school, everything and now she's married with a baby on the way. I couldn't be happier for her. She deserves this more than anyone else I know.

While at the wedding, it really gave me weddingitis. I know we're not getting married yet for practical reasons but another part of me says screw those practical reasons, we'll make it work. I'll get a job, something. I don't know what's going to happen but something will, someday. We were talking about weddings yesterday which made me feel good so we'll see what happens.

For now...I'm being responsible and providing for my kids.

I'm Ready

2008-02-25T23:49:00.002-06:00

Right now we're renting a house pretty far away from everyone. It's a nice house in the country but...it's pretty far away from everyone. Kasey has to drive an hour to get to work, I have to drive an hour to get to Ray's school and to my family's house. It's just not practical to live out there so we want to move closer. Renting houses out here is crazy, it just doesn't happen unless you have tons of money.

I found a house that I want. It's a foreclosure so who knows what kind of condition it's in but it's 4 bedroom 2.5 bath and 2 stories. I really want this house but I know the market sucks right now for buying houses. The one thing going for us is the VA loan. *sigh*

Please cross your fingers, say prayers something that this works out because I really want my own house. It's time to grow up and be an adult.

Random Ramblings

2008-02-21T21:51:00.002-06:00

Sorry it's been so long. I'm really going to try to blog at least once or twice a week.

Here are some questions for the night. Why do people get married? Why do people stay married even when they're not happy? Do you really think that people who get married at 19, 20 will stay married forever? Why does society these days make divorce as acceptable as it is?

Yeah I know these are deep thoughts and focused on marriage but someone asked me the question "Why do people get married" and the best answer I had was "Because they love each other." How's that for a deep response? Seriously though...why is marriage so important? If you love each other and have a commitment to each other, why is that certain piece of paper so important?

I know why. There's just something special about saying "my husband" or "my wife". There's something sacred about the love between two people who really love each other. There's something awesome about the feeling of pure contentment, knowing that this person loves you enough to want to be with you for the rest of his life.

I know I love K. I know that I can live without him but the main thing is that I don't want to live without him. I don't like being away from him. I don't want him to work over nights and off shore or go on deployments. It's not okay for me. I put up with being a military wife for almost 5 years and I won't do it again. I won't be a single married mom again.

I know K loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I just think we're both shy. We're both scared that things could go wrong but sometimes in life you can't shy away. You can't be afraid, you have to take chances so maybe soon we'll both jump.

It's been a while...

2008-01-12T17:27:00.000-06:00

I apologize for how long it's been since I've updated. I have no excuse other than the fact that I have two kids, a boyfriend, 4 dogs, some random family and some really good friends.

Here's a really quick update from November 15th until now. Thanksgiving was okay, Christmas was horrible, New Years was good and my birthday was good. :)

Z has been fighting RSV since December 19th and it's been horrible. He's been so sick and I can't do anything about it except to nurse him, cuddle him and hug him. I hate him being sick. I hate going to the doctor every week or two because he's just not getting better. The good news is that the cough is gone so he's not hacking anymore. He's still congested (but who in Houston isn't), he has a small cough (once again, who in Houston doesn't) and because of this congestion, he has double ear infections now. Yeah craptastic isn't it? I was so upset with everything when I left the doctor's office on Wednesday. Why can't I keep my child well? What is so hard about keeping a breastfed baby well? Ugh!

R has entered a very ornery stage and it tests me every day. He has taken to making up stories and lying. I know he's just using his imagination and testing his limits but man does it frustrate me. I know a lot of it is with Z being as sick as he's been, R's getting almost no mommy time and he needs it. I made a point to spend some time with him today and he seems to be doing better so I hope that if we continue to spend more time together, he'll keep doing as well as he's been doing today.

I'm almost moved into K's house. I'm at Dad's house right now and it seems like no matter what I do, I can't make anyone happy here. A (dad's g/f) and B seem so mad at me no matter what I do. I didn't even do anything last night and they were acting weird towards me. People at dinner (who aren't around all of the time) didn't notice it but K did and asked me about it. At dinner, I wanted R to sit next to me and B said "No he's next to me!" and then when I went down there to see R, she got this smirk or something on her face. I don't get it. I just don't belong here anymore. Sometimes I feel as if I don't belong anywhere.

Peace

2007-11-15T22:27:00.000-06:00

There is nothing more peaceful than a sleeping baby. I love when you can tell when they hit that point of no return and they're completely knocked out. Nothing will wake them, their limbs are heavy and they just melt into you. I also love it when I lay Z down and he rubs his face on his bed until he gets comfortable and then he passes back out, with his butt in the air of course.

I think one of my most favorite things is when Z is nursing and he's so tired but he is fighting sleep to nurse more. His eyes will roll back into his head and then he opens them again, then they'll roll, etc etc. Then he'll get into a bit of a deeper sleep and he'll unlatch, then hurry to latch back on. I love nursing. :)

Tonight R was ready for bed and I was nursing Z. R comes and asks me if he can just go to bed in his tshirt. He was so tired, my poor little one. I guess the throwing up from the night before got to him, not that I blame him.

Okay on to bed to be with my wonderful children. R's in his bed, Z's in his bed but I know soon Z will be in bed with me, cuddling up next to me. Yes I co-sleep and no, nobody will ever stop me.

Pictures of my Boys

2007-11-13T21:55:00.000-06:00

I'm going to update yall with some new pictures of my beautiful boys. They're my life and I don't know what I'd do without them.

Being a Parent

2007-11-11T20:54:00.000-06:00

Sometimes being a parent really sucks when you have to make choices that you don't want to make but you know the choice is what's best for your children.

Right now I'm being faced with one of the hardest choices so far. R's dad (X) isn't being much of a father. R spent more time with his great-grandma than he did his father. X is also Z's father (obviously since we were married) and X had nothing to do with Z when he dropped R off this morning. He didn't look at him, didn't want to see him, didn't even mention him. He just dropped R off and left. So this is the hard choice I'm facing. I want to send X termination of parental rights papers for Z because he obviously doesn't care two craps about him and Z deserves better than that. Z and R both have a wonderful father in their life who loves them like they were his own. That's all I can ask for.

And I want to apologize for not writing every day like I set out to do. I needed to clear my head and think and being around Dad's house was just too much for me to do that. I escaped to K's house and spent some time with him.

Monday night (the 5th) we were laying in bed and he asked me to marry him. It was the sweetest, most sincere moment of my life (other than birthing my children) and I am so happy. We're not sure when the wedding will be but it's going to happen.

Z's hungry and ready for bed. That's my update.

I hate Dreams

2007-11-09T17:55:00.000-06:00

Wednesday Ex's Gma drove down so we could go see some of their family. I took the boys and we had a good time. I told ex-gma about K because I knew it would get back to Ex and I'm pretty non-confrontational when it comes to everything. He called me Wednesday night and had an attitude with me asking me about K. Then he said "it's okay, I have been dating someone too." Yes I knew about this but I wanted to hear it from him. That night I had a horrible dream that S (his g/f) was a huge witch and was trying to get R to call her mommy and told him that I wasn't his mommy anymore.

I know why I'm having these dreams and they make sense to my head but to my heart I'm terrified. I'm terrified that R will like her better than me and want to live up with Ex and S. I know it makes no sense but if I lost my boys, I would wither and die. I love my boys with every fiber of my being and I can't imagine my life without them.

Going Missing

2007-11-07T18:54:00.001-06:00

My 3 year old, R, is going up to see his Dad for 5 days so I'm going to K's tonight and tomorrow night.

When I get back, I'll explain my last post.

He loves Me

2007-11-06T21:23:00.000-06:00

He really loves me.....wow. That's hard to accept sometimes especially after what I endured with Ex.

K is a wonderful father to my boys and he's going to be a wonderful husband.

Miracle of Life

2007-11-05T21:17:00.002-06:00

I got to see a brand new embryo on ultrasound today and I was reminded of why life is beautiful.

Yes I have baby fever, again.

Trip Down Not so Good Memory Lane

2007-11-04T15:15:00.000-06:00

I want to apologize in advance for this. It has nothing to do with breastfeeding or mothering but I need to get it out.

I went through the boxes of my stuff that ex sent to me. Most of the stuff, I threw away because the things that were really important to me, I brought on the airplane or in my 4 suitcases. So one of the things that I had to go through was a box of memories. I've had this box since ex and I started dating, back in 1999 and it's full of pictures, letters, cards and notebooks that I made for him to read while he was out on deployments.

This box was hard to go through. There were tons of wedding pictures, pictures from my senior year, graduation, prom, all with him in them. In the letters, I proclaimed my love for him and told him how much I loved him and going back and reading them, I feel like an idiot. I was so naive and blinded by hope and love. I thought that I was living a fairy tale and he was my Prince Charming, only in a Sailor uniform. Maybe I was in love with the idea of being in love.

I think what hurts the most is reading the letters he wrote to me. The letters where he said how much he loved me and missed me and how perfect I was and how I was the best wife. I believed him. I believed that he loved me and always would. I believed that we would last and grow to be 70 or 80 and have great grandkids together.

Here's my confession...I don't think I really wanted to marry him. I just didn't want to hurt him and I did love him, I just didn't want to be married that young. Deep down I knew that things weren't going to last. I just chose to hide my head in the sand and hope that things would be okay. Once R came into the picture, I saw that ex wasn't the Dad or husband I wanted to be and that's when I knew. I was rocking R one night when he was 3 weeks old and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I wasn't in love with ex anymore. I should have known then to call it quits but I didn't. I guess I thought that I had to stick it out and deal with my choice, no matter if it was a bad choice.

So here I am, 24 years old, a single mom to two beautiful boys. I wouldn't go back and change anything and honestly, I don't think I loved him as much as I thought. If I did, I would have fought for him and our marriage more. I would have tried harder but then again, I did try. I tried the hardest I could but he didn't care. He is the one who stepped out, not me. He's the one who cheated, not me. He's the one who moved halfway across the world without consulting me. He ended it before I did, I just hid my head in the sand like usual, hoping that things would get better.

So I've moved on and I'm dating a wonderful guy but part of me is always wondering when this one is going to go bad too. The difference is K and I actually talk about stuff. We communicate. And the best part? He really cares. He treats my boys like they are his own and he actually likes being around us. I have hope that this will work and I will fight for this one because I deserve better than what I received with ex.

Things I love about Breastfeeding

2007-11-03T19:30:00.000-05:00

1. Knowing that 100% of what my baby gets is from me.

2. Knowing that the reason why he's almost 15 lbs at 3.5 months old is because of me.

3. The bonding time we get.

4. The milky smiles.

5. The "milk drunk" look.

6. Passing out from being milk drunk.

7. The cuddling.

8. The giggle before latching on.

9. The instant contentment after latching on.

10. Co-sleeping while nursing.

11. The huge burps.

12. The lack of projectile spit up.

13. The gulping.

14. Him grabbing my hand while he nurses.

15. The rooting.

16. The nutritional benefits.

17. Knowing that I'm giving my son the best food ever.

18. The wonderful friends I've made because of breastfeeding.

19. Finally finding something I feel passionate about.

20. Helping other moms overcome problems they have while breastfeeding.

Please feel free to comment to add your own things. :) I'd love to see them.

Helpless

2007-11-02T21:54:00.000-05:00

I hate feeling helpless. I don't think there's any other feeling worse than knowing that your little baby is sick and you can't do anything to stop it from happening.

With an ear infection, you can give antibiotics and you know that something is going to help eventually. My poor baby, Z, has the flu and an ear infection. He has antibiotics to help with the ear part but we can't do anything but sit and wait in anticipation for the flu to hit.

Today at the doctor, he wanted to swab Z's nose just to be sure he doesn't have the flu. Well to our surprise it came back positive. Sometimes I think that's worse. I know he has the flu but it hasn't given him any symptoms yet. We're just sitting here waiting, knowing that the worst is yet to come and when the worst comes, what can I do? Absolutely nothing but tylenol, nursing and holding him, making sure he's okay.

I love being a Mom but the sick times suck because you can't do anything to fix it.

Moms

2007-11-01T23:53:00.001-05:00

I sometimes wish that I had more interesting things to write about. My life is pretty boring and not really that much fun. Wait, I take that back. I have a 3 year old (he'll go by R) and a 3 month old (he'll go by Z) so my life is never boring nor not any fun. My boys are constantly making me smile, laugh, cry and get aggravated, and that's all within 10 minutes.

I don't think anyone realizes how lacking their life was until they have children. I never knew my purpose in life until I had R and then everything became clear. My purpose in life is to be the best mom I can be for my two boys. My purpose in life is to nurture these innocent sweet babies and help them grow into the best men they can be.

I try not to think about them growing up and just enjoy R and Z being little. I enjoy the cuddles, the kisses, the co-sleeping, the nursing, the baby slobber, the new milestones...everything that comes with having a toddler and a newborn I try to enjoy. They grow up way too fast!

My message...enjoy your little babies while you can because before you know it, they'll be leaving for their first day of preschool or high school.

The Life of Me

Another Therapy Post

Possibly a Girl...scared.

Haven't Blooged in a While

Boys Poem

Boys

Ex-H

Help

Anger and Frustration

Update

Happy

Amazing

Things Happen for a Reason

Life Changes

Vent

Bragging On Myself

Happy New Year

*evil laugh*

Happy

Christmas

Nurse On!

1 Corinthians for Mothers

I love Snow!

An Insight to Me

7 More Random Things

My Calyx

7 Random Things

Win a Free Embriodered Ergo

I apologize

Motrin and Baby Wearing

Mental Day

Apparently...

Adventures in My Life

Have you Voted?

Discipline

Cleaning

National Blog Posting Month

Cloth Vs. Disposable

Mac vs PC

Sleeping Angels Contest

School Stuff

Decisions

I feel pretty

Home :)

Sorry to Vent

I want sleep....

Well we left

I love Co Sleeping

I'm Confused

This makes me sick

Our 2nd Week

7 Interesting Things About Me

Well...

I don't get it

Kentucky Mom Asked to Stop Breastfeeding

Beginning to feel the stress

Blank

Extended Nursing

Some Good News

And once again my no good very bad day

My No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day

It's My Life

Depression

Bored

Wow...it's been a Long Time

Opinions Are Like Buttholes, Everyone has one and They Stink

I'm Ready

Random Ramblings

It's been a while...

Peace

Pictures of my Boys

Being a Parent

I hate Dreams

Going Missing

He loves Me

Miracle of Life

Trip Down Not so Good Memory Lane

Things I love about Breastfeeding

Helpless

Moms

evil laugh