Another Therapy Post

I'm back again.

I briefly talked about friends in the last email. I need to figure out how to let past hurts go and move on. I need to figure out how to not have a knee jerk hurt reaction when I hear about these past friends. I need to be able to be confident enough in my choices to know that this is what's best for my family.

I know this is what's best. I didn't like who I was when I hung out with them. I didn't like how they made me feel. I felt uninvolved, not wanted, and put up with. I felt like I was pitied. That's such a horrible feeling. I felt like I was only invited because I was friends with someone else, not because I was actually wanted. Funny part about it is that now that I'm not friends with that one person, nobody calls me. Nobody contacts me. Nobody wants anything to do with me. It kind of reaffirms my thoughts and fears.

I made the decision to cut these people completely out of my life. They're not on my facebook, I don't have phone numbers, etc. I just decided cold turkey. The problem? One specific person is still friends with some of my friends/my sister. I still see comments, etc from this person and every time I do, it hurts. I wish that she wanted to be my friend. Part of me feels like I'm a pre-teen again, hoping for people to want to be my friend.

I guess a part of growing up is getting over stuff like this so I just need to do it. I need to stop letting it bother me. I am a wonderful person and it's not my problem that they don't want to be my friend. I am better off without them, and I don't need them in my life.

Possibly a Girl...scared.

I've decided that this is going to be my therapy post.

Last night I was laying in bed, trying to decide if I should go see a therapist or not. Then I started thinking about what I should say to this guy, and then I figured it would be a blog post.

"Hi my name is A, and I am 13 weeks pregnant. I think I'm having a girl and the thought of having a girl scares the shit out of me. Oh sorry, I didn't mean to use that language. I'll watch it from now on." (Therapist nods and motions for me to continue on.)

"So, you see, I've never had real relationships with women. My mom has severe bipolar and was never around. She always let me down, and even to this day continues to let me down. I've never had any real girl friends, and have always gotten along with guys better. Growing up, I made friends, whom I thought were real friends, but all were gossiping backstabbers. I thought that was what a real friendship was, so I put up with it. I thought that was what I deserved. I found out recently that 2 people whom I was really close with were really keeping this huge secret behind my back. I was crushed when I found out, and truthfully it's ruined both relationships for me. If I can't trust people, then why keep them in my life, right? What's this huge secret you ask? Well, see, I found out that my sister wanted to take my children away from me, and that she conferred with my best friend at the time about it. That said best friend then kept this huge secret from me. It wasn't just my sister in on it, but my mother as well. How's that for a wonderful circle?

My relationship with this friend was struggling for a lot of reasons, partly because I figured out it was a one-sided relationship. I was tired of being the one to put everything in and get nothing in return. I was tired of it. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I needed to end it. I needed to get out of the toxicity that my high school friendships were. I am an adult. I need to move past high school and find real friends, not fake ones. I do have a few real friends, and those who I do have are my saviors right now. The part that sucks is that they're so far away, but they're always here no matter what.

I told you all of this as um, I guess a background? Why am I scared to have a girl? I don't want her to suffer like I did. I don't want her to be picked on because of her weight, or her looks. I don't want her to have fake friends her entire life and think that is what friendships should be. I want her to be able to trust other women and not think/expect the best. I don't want her to ever want for a better mother like I did. I want to be that better mother, and I want to be a support system for her, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I never had it, that I won't know how to be that person for her. I want her to be everything that I'm not. I want her to be confident and outgoing. I want her to be comfortable in who she is.

So here's my question for you. How do I do this? How do I be the mom that she needs? How do I overcome this fear and accept this fate?"

By this time I'll probably be crying my eyes out, but the questions are serious. How? How do I do this?

Haven't Blooged in a While

I had someone reading my blog who I really didn't want to know anything about my life. I felt like I couldn't be myself and so I just kind of shut down on here. It sucks that I felt like that, because it's MY blog, but it happened.

Anyways, I'm back now. I've been insanely busy but it's all been worth it. I'm planning a wedding, going to school and dealing with my 2 children. They're growing leaps and bounds and pure boys. R broke his arm when he fell off of a slide at daycare. When they called me to tell me that he fell, they said he was fine so I didn't rush over there. When I got there, he got worse as he was waiting and he couldn't walk or move at all. I felt horrible but I can't change what happened. I rushed him to the ER where they did X-Rays, etc and splinted his arm. We saw the orthopedic doctor the next day where he put a Cammo cast on R. He thinks it is the coolest cast ever, and I agree. :) It fits his personality but both of us can't wait for it to be off. Another week to go on that! Woohoo!!

School is school. It sucks. A lot. I'm ready to be done with it. I feel completely overwhelmed. I'm at the point again where I want to just get a job and work instead of go to school. I don't know why I get feeling like this. It sucks! I feel like I have so much on my plate but I can't give anything up. The only thing that I can remotely think about taking a break from is school, but even that won't work. I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

That's my short update. I'm ready to go to bed.

Boys Poem

A friend sent this poem to me, and it brought a smile to my face, as well as some tears to my eyes. I hope y'all enjoy it.

Little Boys

Submitted by: Kahtain

Author: Unknown

Little boys come in all shapes and sizes,
Shy and adventurous, full of surprises,
With misshapen halos and mischievous grins,
Small dirty faces, and sweet, sticky chins.

They'll keep you so busy, and yet all the while
Nothing can brighten the world like their smile.
And no greater treasure has brought homes more joy
Than a curious, active, and lovable boy!

Boys

I never thought I'd be a mom to 2 boys. I never thought I'd be up to my eyeballs in Transformers, trucks, balls, blue, blue, blue, blue. I never thought that me, the girly-girl, would have 2 boys, and LOVE it.

I love my boys. I love them with every fiber of my being. I love them and couldn't ask for anything different. I love knowing that my boys are going to grow up and be nice, respectful men because of how I'm raising them.

I am responsible for shaping them, and they're going to be wonderful men. I don't think there's a bigger compliment than knowing that.

Ex-H

So I stayed up late last night talking to Grandma (Ex-h's) about Ex and all of the problems we had. She said that she talked to him for a few hours that night and he was complaining that he was tired of everyone talking crap about him. He just wants people to cut him a break and to see that he's trying to do the right thing. He said that he can barely afford to feed himself, let alone take care of his kids, and he knows that "Daddy Warbucks" (my Dad) will make sure that they're taken care of so he's not worried about it. He also made the comment that he knows that the birthday presents he sent Ray aren't as good as the ones that "rich folks" can give him and he's just sure that they're destroyed in pieces somewhere. He doesn't realize that R loved the Transformers more than he loved everything else. He doesn't realize the joy that R got knowing that his presents were from his Daddy.

I am sick.to.death. of this "woe is me" bullcrap. I am sick of him calling us rich and calling my Dad "Daddy Warbucks". I am sick of him always being the victim. I'm just sick of it. He says he's not involved in the boys' lives because he wants to be able to actually do something with them and not just sit around and watch them play. He wants to be the "superhero" who always does fun stuff and wants nothing to do with the day to day bullshit of life. He thinks that he'll be able to just swoop in here, when he has money, and be the fun one, but it's almost too late.

So, do I call him out on him talking crap about my family? Or do I just keep quiet about it? He's never going to change, and he's always going to think this way, so part of me thinks that he just needs to be left alone. The other part of me, the part who is VERY protective over my family, and my father, thinks that he needs an ass chewing. The part of me who has dealt with this crap for the past however long is tired of him always talking crap about us, and wants to stop it. Then I stop to think: "What good will this do?" Sadly, the answer is "nothing." Me chewing him out will do absolutely nothing. It will let him know that Grandma told me everything, and that's about it.

So I guess I sit here, and try to not let him get to me. Right now, it's not about me, but about my family. He's a sorry SOB who needs to learn.

Help

I can't handle doing it all on my own anymore. I need help. I can't be perfect, and I need help.

I'm tired of doing it all. I'm tired of being the only one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, dishes, etc etc. I am tired of people looking at me to do everything. I'm tired of doing it all on my own shoulders. I can't do it anymore. I'm angry that I have to do it all on my own, and I'm angry that nobody notices. I hate snapping at my kids. I hate being mad at them for being kids. I hate being on edge. I need help.

I want to run away, with the kids, and never come back. At least I want the kids with me, right? It's not them. They are fine. It's everything else. I just can't do it anymore. Something has to change, but I don't know what will. Nothing will ever change and I will continue to do it all because nobody else will.

Z is crying for me and R is tattling, and I just want to cover my ears and make it all go away.