Happy

For the past few weeks, I'd been feeling very stressed and unsure about what to do about school. I did end up applying for a Bachelor's program, and got accepted, but due to financial reasons, I had to turn it down. It was going to cost too much money for me to do it, plus there's no way my daycare would be provided for. Dad said that he'd help, but then my sister decided she wanted to go to school so he's helping her. He helped me once, I quit, and so it's her turn to get help. I don't mind, and I'm not mad at all at the situation. I'm mad at myself, a bit, but then again I'm not. I'm in a better place than I was before and I know that I'm doing what I want, not what I think I want.

So since I turned down the Bachelor's program, I was feeling very stressed about the whole applying for the ADN (associates) program through the college I'm going to right now. It's very competitive and unfortunately my Anatomy grade isn't what it should be to insure acceptance. I didn't want to apply, and get rejected, so I was really really unsure what to do. I met with my advisor today, and am feeling very good about everything. We discussed my B in Anatomy, and we decided that I'm going to retake Anatomy during the fall, and then take classes to work towards my Bachelor's. By the time I'm done with 2 semesters and in the RN program, I will only have 3 classes until I get my Bachelor's. Then, she looked back at my grades, and said in a very surprised voice "And why are you not honors???? You can do it! Let's put you in honors so you'll graduate with honors." So, I'm in the honors program now. :) I'm taking Anatomy 1 Honors, Government Honors, Chemistry (regular, no honors class for that one) and Bowling (again). I'm super excited. I feel, lighter, less stressed. I'm really excited about it and am looking forward to starting the fall semester.

When we were talking about graduating with honors, I started crying because I want this. I want to graduate with this. I want to be able to tell myself, and others, that not only was I a single mom, going to school full time, but I graduated with honors. I want my boys to look at that and realize that they can do whatever they set their mind to. I want to show people, and most importantly myself, that even though I screwed up by not finishing school before, that I went back, and I did it.


That's my update. :) Thanks for reading!

Amazing

Ex and I are friends. Amazing isn't it? He calls and wants advice from me on what to do about her. It's pretty amazing that I'm giving my Ex-husband marriage advice, but it doesn't feel weird. It makes me feel good that I'm doing something to help him. It's not helping him, specifically, it's helping a marriage. I have such a screwed up view on marriage now, maybe not screwed up, jaded. I'm jaded, and I want to believe that marriage can be good. I want to see marriages work.

I realized something while talking to him (or listening to him talk, rather) the other day. I realized that he never, ever loved me like he loves her. It didn't hurt me when I realized that, it really didn't. It just opened up this whole new feeling of relief. That doesn't make any sense does it? Let me try to explain.

When my marriage failed, I thought of everything that had happened and tried to figure out what I did wrong. In my mind, it was all about what I could have done better to make him happier. What could I do or what could I have done to improve our marriage. It didn't matter that it was a joint thing. I thought that I did something wrong to make him not love me. Then when I heard everything that he was doing and everything that he had done for her, it kind of shocked me. He never would have changed for me. When I complained about something he said "Well there's the door..." He never realized that he had a problem too. It was never his fault, but always mine.

Instead of this new revelation hurting the heck out of me, it made me happy. It made me happy that he's changing for someone he loves. It's okay that he didn't love me the way that he thought he did. When I look back and think about it, I didn't love him the way that I wanted to. I thought I did, but then things happened, and we changed and grew apart. We didn't grow together, and that's when I stopped loving him.

I actually told him this today. I told him that he never loved me like he loves her, and he was shocked. I told him that it's okay, and I'm not upset or hurt. I'm not anything. I have nothing but good will for him and her. Shocking isn't it?

And for those who think he's a piece of crap as a father, he is, and he knows it. That's justice enough for me. One day R and Z will grow up, and they will judge him, and he knows it. He's cried to me about it, and he knows that there's nothing he can do, except for hope that they'll forgive him.