Friday, May 22, 2009


I can't handle doing it all on my own anymore. I need help. I can't be perfect, and I need help.

I'm tired of doing it all. I'm tired of being the only one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, dishes, etc etc. I am tired of people looking at me to do everything. I'm tired of doing it all on my own shoulders. I can't do it anymore. I'm angry that I have to do it all on my own, and I'm angry that nobody notices. I hate snapping at my kids. I hate being mad at them for being kids. I hate being on edge. I need help.

I want to run away, with the kids, and never come back. At least I want the kids with me, right? It's not them. They are fine. It's everything else. I just can't do it anymore. Something has to change, but I don't know what will. Nothing will ever change and I will continue to do it all because nobody else will.

Z is crying for me and R is tattling, and I just want to cover my ears and make it all go away.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Anger and Frustration

Things have been rough here, for me. Not that things are bad, but my attitude has been horrible. I'm ashamed to admit how short my fuse has been lately, and how quick I am to blow up. I feel frustration that I can't have 2 seconds to myself. I feel frustration that Zachary gets into everything, and wants to nurse when he's bored. I hate it, and I'm mad at myself for allowing this to happen. Logically, I know why the boys are going crazy. They're bored; they don't feel well; they're recovering. I know this but it's been difficult for me to control my fuse long enough to remember it. It's just a downward spiral as I dwell on my attitude, and ask how I can fix it (within myself). I started reading The Pocket Parent today and so far I like it. I've only read a few chapters (as I was waiting in line for Ray to get out of school), and it talks about how to control your own attitude and calm down enough to know when to walk away. I haven't gotten past 43 pages, but I like it so far.

I have been resting in bed all evening, so I decided to get up and check Ray's backpack for school tomorrow. His teacher sends home folders every Tuesday with work they did in class, and a sheet that has comments on there. Ray's teacher is absolutely awesome, and just what he needs. She never has anything harsh to say about any of the children. This week the message she sent was "Ray is doing very well in pre-k and is very ready for Kindergarten next year." Hearing his teacher confirm my thoughts made me feel a million times better. He is reading small words, writing words from memory, spelling everything. He is growing up in front of my eyes. Then I looked in his folder and saw his Mother's Day presents he made in school. They did handprints (which made me tear up) and then they did a Best Mom Certificate. He told his teacher what color hair I have, my eye color, age, height (26 tall) and weight (20 lbs). Then he answered some questions. One of the blanks was "Mommy looks the prettiest when..." and he wrote "she is going to school." The next one was about spending time with mommy and he said "lay in bed with her." Reading that made every bit of frustration and anger fall out of me, and I started to cry. Reading that helped to reconfirm that what I'm doing for Ray is the right thing. He's a sensitive boy and needs time with me (like every child). He needs his Mommy and that's okay. He'll be out of my bed eventually. They are only small for such a short period of time, so whatever I can do for him now I will do to ensure he knows that I'm there for him. Life may be tough, and the choices that I've made maybe haven't been the best ones, but they have led me to where I am today, and for that I am grateful.

I have to remind myself that we've been through a heck of a lot these past few weeks. Finals, then the boys had surgery, then recovering from the surgery (and me almost passing out several times), and now I'm just exhausted. When I'm tired, it makes me crabby, and then I lose my temper.

I think I just need to remind myself sometimes that I am human, and I'm not superwoman. I will make mistakes, and how I learn from my mistakes makes me the woman that I am.

Friday, May 1, 2009


Ray has the flu. They sent out his sample for further testing. He's on tamiflu and we're going to deal with the side effects of the tamiflu instead of the side effects of the flu.

Zachary has a viral thing but he's really bad. He's wheezing and coughing. I'm actually really surprised that Ray is the one who has the flu and not Zachary. The doctor said that they're open tomorrow and to bring them in if we need anything at all.

I got a call on the way home from the doctor that the CDC changed their guidelines WRT school closures because of the H1N1 flu. They've changed the guidelines to recommend that schools that close must stay closed for a minimum of 14 days. Ray's elementary school will not reopen until May 18th. I called the daycare and because of that the boys are not allowed back into the daycare until after that. I said "well that does me no good considering I don't need daycare after Tuesday." I went to the daycare to pick up all of their things because I don't know when we'll be back there. I got there and started bawling my eyes out and have been trying not to cry since then.

I'm just overwhelmed right now and I"m tired of doing this on my own. My Dad is a saint and is going to take off work Monday and Tuesday so I can take my finals. Is it bad that I actually thought "well if I don't take my final, I'll have a C in Anatomy"?