Tuesday, December 30, 2008

*evil laugh*

When I finally got my divorce papers, I read over them but didn't really absorb much. I was in shock, not really caring, just wanted to get it done and over with. I knew Dad looked over them and made sure things were good and benefiting me, not him, so I didn't really do much with them. I went to the courthouse, got my name change, got pronounced divorced (somehow very anti-climatic) and went on my way.

Well, I've been doing thinking lately about moving away from Texas but was worried if Ex would have any say so with the kids. I *thought* we put a clause in there that said I control where they live without regards to him but I wasn't sure. Today I finally looked at the papers and found what I was looking for. It says:

  • IT IS ORDERED that A, as a parent joint managing conservator, shall have the following rights and duty:
    • 1. the exclusive right to designate the primary residence of the children without regard to geographic location;

I am thrilled! I bet he doesn't even realize that it says that in there. *happy dance*

In other bad news, I found that I can't take him to court to raise child support for another 2 years. Oh well. He's not paying it anyways.


Have you ever been so content with life, you have no complaints? Have you ever been so content that everything just seems better?

That's how I am right now. I'm just...happy. And happy doesn't even begin to describe how I really feel. Happy seems so, well, dull.

Things are good. I'm on the right track.

Thursday, December 25, 2008


I love Christmas. It's my favorite time of the year and the thought of it makes me thrilled. I'm like a little kid with lights, music, decorations, presents, etc, and I was like that this year until today. It was a great morning until R started pitching fits for no reason. Then he told me that he didn't like his clothes so I threatened to give them away. He kept pitching fits, throwing things, crying, etc and I just couldn't handle it. I sent him to his room after we ate lunch because he was being so horrible. Dad says it's over stimulation and I agree but it was still annoying.

Everyone was kind of crabby today, which sucked, but it was a good Christmas. I was crabby because my stupid back won't stop hurting. Dad is talking about buying me a new soft mattress so I hope that really happens.

Anyhow, it was a good Christmas. The boys got tons of toys and some clothes. R got a ton of art supplies and we made him his own craft cart. He has the scissors that make different cuts (12 different ones), coloring books, markers, paint, glue, normal scissors, and different types of paper. He seemed to enjoy it but I think he was so overwhelmed he didn't really know what to do anymore.

All in all, Christmas was good. I'm glad we have a year to prepare. :)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Nurse On!

Stole this from her too.

Little ones can squirm and pout,

make a fuss and scream and shout.

When hunger hits without a doubt,

Sit right down and whip it out.

I would nurse her if she cried,

I could nurse her far and wide,

Here and there or anywhere,

Up or down or on a chair.

I could nurse a teddy bear,

For this fine milk is very rare!!!

Would you nurse him on a train?

Would you nurse him on a plane?

Would you nurse him in a car?

Would you nurse him in a bar?

Yes, on a train, yes on a plane.

Yes, in a car, yes in a bar.

I would nurse him here or there.

I would nurse him anywhere!

I would nurse him in a booth,

On the stairs or near the roof.

Anywhere my boy cries out,

I pop the nummies in his mouth.

I can serve it by the ounce,

I can serve it while I bounce.

In a bottle or in a jar,

I can serve from near or far.

Would you, could you nurse in church?

Would you on a shaky perch?

Would you, could you, in the stands?

Could you nurse him with no hands?

I would, I could nurse in church,

Even on a shaky perch.

In the stands, with no hands,

I'll nurse my baby on demand.

Would you nurse him at the store?

Would you nurse him on the floor?

Would you nurse him on a ship?

Careful not to show your nip!

Would you nurse him while on skis?

Would you nurse her on your knees?

Would you nurse him in a tree?

Mommy milk is SO GOOD, you see.

Would you nurse him by the stream?

You could nurse him while you dream.

Can you nurse and clean the house?

Can you nurse and chase a mouse?

Can you nurse and cook a meal?

Mommy's milk is the real deal!

Would you nurse him while you sleep?

How about while you sweep?

Could you nurse him in a sling?

Would you, could you, while you sing?

How about upon a swing?

Mother's milk is just the thing!

Would you nurse her at the park?

Would you nurse him in the dark?

Would you nurse him with a Boppy?

And when your boobs are feeling floppy?

I would nurse him in the park,

I would nurse her in the dark.

I'd nurse with or without a Boppy.

Floppy boobs will never stop me.

Can you nurse with your seatbelt on?

Can you nurse from dusk till dawn?

Though she may pinch me, bite me, pull,

I will nurse her 'till she's full!

Can you nurse and make some soup?

Can you nurse and feed the group?

It makes her healthy strong and smart,

Mommy's milk is the best start!

Would you nurse him at the game?

Would you nurse her in the rain?

In front of those who dare complain?

I would nurse him at the game.

I would nurse her in the rain.

As for those who protest lactation,

I have a perfect explanation.

Mommy milk is tailor made

It's perfect food, you need no aid..

Some may scoff and some may wriggle,

Avert their eyes or even giggle.

To those who can be cruel and rude,

Remind them breast's the perfect food!

I would never scoff or giggle,

Roll my eyes or even wiggle!

I would not be so crass or crude,

I KNOW that milk's the perfect food!

We make the right amount we need,

The perfect temp for every feed.

There's no compare to milk from breast---

The perfect food, above the rest.

Those nursing smiles are oh so sweet,

Mommy milk is such a treat.

Human milk just can't be beat.

I will nurse, in any case,

On the street or in your face.

I will not let my baby cry,

I'll meet his needs, I'll always try.

It's not about what's good for you,

It's best for babies, through and through.

I will nurse him in my home,

I will nurse him when I roam.

Leave me be lads, leave me be ma'am.

I will nurse him, mom I am.

1 Corinthians for Mothers

I borrowed this from my friend, M, on myspace. I hope this helps some of you out there like it helped me.

If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in its place,
but have not love,

I am a housekeeper, not a homemaker.
If I have time for waxing, polishing, and decorative achievements,
but have not love,
my children learn cleanliness, not godliness.

If I scream at my children for every infraction,
and fault them for every mess they make,
but have not love,
my children become people-pleasers, not obedient children.

Love leaves the dust in search of a child’s laugh.

Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on a newly cleaned window.

Love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk.

Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys.

Love accepts the fact that I am the ever-present “mommy,”
the taxi-driver to every childhood event,
the counsellor when my children fail or are hurt.

Love crawls with the baby, walks with the toddler, and runs with the child,
then stands aside to let the youth walk into adulthood.

Before I became a mother I took glory in my house of perfection.
Now I glory in God’s perfection of my child.

All the projections I had for my house and my children
have faded away into insignificance,
And what remain are the memories of my kids.

Now there abides in my home scratches on most of the furniture,
dishes with missing place settings,
and bedroom walls full of stickers, posters and markings,

But the greatest of all is the Love
that permeates my relationships with my children.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I love Snow!

It snowed yesterday. Yes in Houston, Texas, where Hurricane Ike hit us 2 months ago, it SNOWED! It didn't stick for us, but it stuck in the other parts of town. I still can't believe it snowed. I'm just floored.

The boys played outside for a while in it. Z kept asking "What is this?" and then he kept calling it a ball. R was trying to catch snow flakes in his mouth and just had fun running around.

I have decided that I love snow like that. I love it and could probably put up with it for a while. It helps to know that the cold weather is going to produce something gorgeous in the end. It makes it all worth it. :)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

An Insight to Me

I'm an overachiever and a perfectionist. I set these goals for myself and if I don't meet them, I beat myself up for a while.

So my unrealistic goals lately were 1. to make an A in Anatomy 2. To make all A's this semester in all 4 of my classes.

Now before kids this would have been a piece of cake so automatically I assume that I can do it with kids. Yeah I was wrong. I didn't do horribly in Anatomy, I got an 85, but dammit it's not my goal. I didn't meet my goal so I failed. I know it sounds stupid and petty, because an 85 is awesome for a hard class that people normally fail, but I am disappointed.

I know you're probably thinking "It's a B, what's the big deal?", right? It is a big deal. I have to get an A next semester otherwise I can't get into the nursing program. I NEED an A.

So I'm going to mope a bit, and then move on and know that I'll do better next semester. Crap, I just figured something out...if I wouldn't have had to miss 2 labs and something else, then I would have an A. Son of a bitch. Okay...I learned to not miss important things.

Anyhow, next semester I will do it and I will be fine. I will meet my goal of an A in Anatomy and I will get into the nursing program.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

7 More Random Things

Apparently I got tagged to do this again. :)

  1. I'm a perfectionist and when I don't live up to my expectations, I beat myself up.
  2. I'm a romantic, and even though I've been hurt, I still hope that one day I'll have my romantic guy.
  3. Sometimes my kids annoy the hell out of me.
  4. I love being pampered: hair, nails, toes.
  5. I am addicted to several shows : Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Gossip Girl, and Storm Chasers.
  6. I love different pens and have to buy a different type every other trip to the store or so to try them out.
  7. As much as I try to be nice and have positive intent towards my ex, I can't do it. He sent me a text message today, and I wanted to tell him off. Today when R said he missed his daddy, I almost told him "I'm sorry your father is an ass who doesn't love you enough to call." I figured that would be bad so I gave him a hug and shut my mouth. Ex is a sorry bastard who doesn't deserve my children.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

My Calyx

I hinted at this in a previous blog.

Z loves being worn, he loves being held. I bought a pouch to wear him on my hip and it's slightly comfortable. It's not the best thing in the world but for $30 it does the job. I could place him on my hip and not have to use hands, muscles, etc. I haven't used it that often because I didn't get in the practice of using it all of the time.

I decided to take the plunge and buy a SSC (soft-sided carrier) to put Z on my back comfortably and easily. I tried out and Ergo and didn't like it so much. I wasn't comfortable and I couldn't get him on my back by myself. I asked around about the Beco Butterfly and the Calyx. I've heard hands down that the Calyx is the most comfortable ever.

After doing research and talking to people, I decided to take the plunge and buy a Calyx. I wanted my own so I picked out fabric and waited 6ish weeks for this carrier. Once it got here, I tried it on right away and put Z in it as soon as he got home from daycare, and I fell in love. It is wonderful!!

I can put Z on my back, by myself and he's happy. He loves it! It's comfortable and doesn't feel like I'm carrying 25ish pounds of toddler on my back. It's easy to use, especially while walking through a crowded mall. I don't have to worry about the stroller and pushing it through crowds. This thing is awesome!

If you're interested here is the link to check them out.

Here are some pictures of the Calyx and then Z in the Calyx.

7 Random Things

Casey has decided to tag me for 7 Random Things about Me.

The Rules

1. Post the rules on your blog.

2. Write 7 random things about yourself.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post.

Okay here we go.

  1. I'm really enjoying school. I love learning; I love knowing that I'm learning what I enjoy. I love going to school every day accomplishing something.
  2. I have a list of books that I'm going to read, starting Wednesday after my last final. My goal is to finish those books in a month. Top of the list: Twilight.
  3. I sometimes think I live in the wrong part of the country.
  4. I just got my hair done on Thursday, and I am IN LOVE with it.
  5. I'm not quite sure if I have 7 people who follow my blog to do this.
  6. I've lost 20 pounds since August, and I can't tell a difference.
  7. I bought the new Britney Spears' CD on Tuesday, and I actually enjoy it.

Now for people to do this. If you've done it, please respond in my comments with a link so I can go read it. :)

  1. Angel
  2. Dot
  3. Maria
  4. Shannon
  5. Nic
  6. Laur
  7. Rosi
Wow I did have 7 people. :)

Monday, November 24, 2008

Win a Free Embriodered Ergo

Click on me and you can win!

Cheesey I know, but hey, one can never have too many baby carriers, right?

P.S. I still LOVE my Calyx. That's a different post for today. :)

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I apologize

I apologize for not being around. I got a stomach bug that kicked my rear (ha) and I was out of commission for almost an entire week. I couldn't even go to school, that's how sick I was.

I really was going to do the posting for a month straight thing but well, that didn't happen. It's a lot harder than it sounds, especially when you're sick.

So I want to apologize for sucking on the NaBloPoMo thing. I really am disappointed I couldn't do it.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Motrin and Baby Wearing

I have come out of my flu induced haze to post this blog:

Someone at decided it would be a wonderful idea to do a new commercial "appealing" to the baby wearing mamas of the country. If you haven't seen the commercial, you should go to and watch it. Here's the words in case it's gone:

Wearing your baby seems to be in fashion.

I mean, in theory it’s a great idea.

There’s the front baby carrier, sling, schwing, wrap, pouch.

And who knows what else they’ve come up with. Wear your baby on your side, your front, go hands free.

Supposedly, it’s a real bonding experience.

They say that babies carried close to the bod tend to cry less than others.

But what about me? Do moms that wear their babies cry more than those who don’t?

I sure do!

These things put a ton of strain on your back, your neck, your shoulders. Did I mention your back?!

I mean, I’ll put up with the pain because it’s a good kind of pain; it’s for my kid.

Plus, it totally makes me look like an official mom.

And so if I look tired and crazy, people will understand why.

(taken from: Crunchy Domestic Goddess )

This is my response to the ad:

Apparently someone dropped the ball on this whole babywearing commercial on If you wear your baby correctly, with the right carriers, there will be no pain. Obviously no research was done to find that out. Instead of this commercial helping you with the babywearing community, it really messed you up. Way to piss off a huge community at once. Thumbs Up!

Obviously this is a very smart ass comment but it's about all I could muster. I just don't understand who thought that it would be a good ad. Let's release this ad during International Babywearing Week and appeal to mamas who wear their babies by insulting them? Yeah makes sense doesn't it?

/end rant

Going back to my flu induced exhaustion.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Mental Day

I took a mental health day today because I was fried from a few nights ago when I had to finish the first part of a class in a few hours. It was all my fault but I can't change how it worked out. Yesterday I was fried but went to English because I had to turn in a paper. I knew that there was no way I would be able to go to school today and absorb everything that was being taught so I skipped. I honestly had no good reason to skip except for the fact that I wanted to. I wanted to be lazy today so I did it.

I played around on the internet for a while, watched some tv and then I took a nap for all of 5 minutes. I went out to eat Olive Garden and then I went to get the boys from daycare. For dinner, I was being lazy so instead of cooking food, I took them to Chick Fil A where they got to play for an hour. They loved it.

It was a good Friday. This weekend is going to suck so I figured I might as well have a blow off day, right?

Thursday, November 6, 2008


I don't feed my child enough. Not R, but Z. He will go to the pantry, bring out a box of food, grab whatever package out of the box and bring it to me. Today it's been beef ramen noodles and strawberry poptarts. When he did this earlier, I gave him a banana and some raisins. This evening we split a poptart. Not the healthiest for him but it was a good treat. :)

So now Mr. I never get to eat is eating again. Maybe he'll unlatch soon so I can clean off my bed and go to sleep.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Adventures in My Life

Before I had children, I had no idea how emotionally chaotic my life would be. I thought that whatever I said in terms of rules would go, and there would be no fighting. Let's all laugh at me on that one. Obviously I was a new mom with unreasonable expectations. Having one child was chaotic enough but then I threw in another one for fun(?) and well my life has not been the same since.

We were walking through Wal Mart today and my youngest, Z, started hitting and pinching my oldest, R. Z was angry and frustrated at R, because well he could be I guess? I don't know what caused him to be so angry at R, but it happened. One second Z was riding peacefully in the basket and the next he was hitting R on the head and pinching him. R knows better than to react to Z, because Z is only 15 months old and R is 4. We stopped walking, I looked at Z and told him that it wasn't nice. I told him he needed to do nice gentle touches, and then I showed him what nice gentle touches were. He kind of giggled, tried to pinch R again, so I repeated the process. He patted R on the hand, smiled, and we went on our way.

My perception was that Z was frustrated with R because of several reasons. I think he was frustrated, because R was getting to walk, R was getting to help pick things out, and R was touching Z's basket. As adults, we realize that these are very unreasonable things to be upset about but to a 15 month old, it's the end of the world. An older woman was walking by as I was doing the "gentle touches" routine, and she looked at me and smiled. I'm not quite sure if she thought I was off of my rocker (which is very possible being a single mom to 2 young boys and going to school full time), or if she approved of my way of handling the situation. I like to think it's the latter, so I'll continue to live in my own little bubble with that thought. I like to think that she perceived me as a well put together mom who keeps her temper and does not yell and scream at her children. My boys perceived it as a game, and they do not realize that while it was fun, they were also learning.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Have you Voted?

Today is November 4, 2008, aka Election Day. Today the people of America will vote and the next president of the United States will be chosen.

I have voted. I voted early because I didn't want to wait in line today. Yeah, it kind of loses the thought in translation but at least I voted. I know some people who are registered to vote and "can't find the time" today to vote. It aggravates me but maybe one day they'll get it too.

I think America is so jaded by everything right now and we need a change. My fear is that no matter who's chosen that nothing will change and everything will be the same. We'll see what happens.

For now my message is this: GO VOTE! Do your part in being an American. :)

Monday, November 3, 2008


I am not a main stream parent. I do not believe in spanking, hitting, yelling, etc to get your children to mind. Now, just because I do not believe in it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen sometimes. Yes, sometimes I loose my temper, and I do end up yelling at them, but I really try to prevent it.

I think what bothers me the most is hearing "You are a bad boy" or "You are bad". I know that sometimes it just happens to slip out to some people, but they don't realize how detrimental those words can be to a young child's self esteem.

Apparently they have never heard of self fulfilling prophecy. Self fulfilling prophecy is when a child is told something so often in his/her life that they make it come true. For example: let's say Tom is told repeatedly how horrible he is, how dumb he is, and how he'll never amount to anything. Because Tom has heard this his entire life, he'll make it come true; not because he isn't good enough, but because he doesn't think he'll ever be any different.

I think a child who hears how he/she is bad is just setting them up for failure and a low self esteem. The job as parents and caregivers is to help provide a stable, positive home environment; to help children grow emotionally and physically so they are good adults. I think that sometimes people forget that children are equals, not lesser people. Children deserve the same amount of respect as any other person in the world. To talk down to a child is teaching him/her to talk down to everyone they come in contact with as they grow. To talk down to a child is setting him/her up for a horribly low self esteem and problems for the rest of their lives.

Some people who read this may think I'm off my rocker, but this is how I think. This is how I parent. My children are equals to me. Yes I am Mommy, and I make the rules, and they should listen to me, BUT I consider them just as human as me with the same rights.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


I hate cleaning, I really do. I don't mind cleaning up after my boys and myself but when it comes to other people who are perfectly capable of doing it themselves, I hate it.

I hate cooking for other people too, especially when they're picky and won't eat much, or always complain about what I'm cooking.

I spent all day yesterday doing laundry. To be perfectly honest, I started on Friday night because my diapers take forever to wash and I finished last night. I didn't have that much laundry to do but each wash for the diapers takes 2 hours and then each wash for normal clothes takes an hour and then I was doing stuff in between. Why does it seem like laundry never stops? I did most of it yesterday and there's more to do today. *sigh* I can't imagine doing everyone's in this house. I'd probably die from aggravation from doing laundry all of the time.

Okay now time for homework. I have a week from hell this week coming up.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

National Blog Posting Month

Today kicks off the day for blogging for 30 days straight. I am going to try my hardest to do it and to not miss a day, unlike last year. I was doing really well last year until I decided to go spend the night at Kasey's and I missed it. Oh well, life happens. :)

Speaking of life, mine has been completely crazy but it's fun. The boys are awesome, Zach is still nursing (woohoo), and school is going well.

Here's to a month straight of blogging every day!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Cloth Vs. Disposable

I wrote this paper for my English class. I thought I would share it here for everyone to read.

Cloth Diapers Vs. Disposable Diapers

When a couple finds out that they are going to be parents, one baby item that is always needed is diapers. Soon-to-be parents start buying diapers from the beginning in order to have a stockpile since diapers are needed so often and so many are needed. Most parents go to the store and start buying disposable diapers, because they think that disposable diapers are their only choice. When parents hear the phrase “cloth diapers” they automatically assume that it is more expensive, more trouble, and not as absorbent as a disposable. Cloth diapers have changed since twenty years ago. Gone are the days of pins and wet clothes. While disposable diapers are what parents usually use, cloth diapers are just as convenient.

One of the first things parents think about is cost. They know that diapers are expensive and they are needed all of the time so there is no break in buying diapers. Many parents work buying diapers into a monthly budget and will allot a certain amount of money a month towards diapers. They think that disposable diapers are cheaper because the money will buy more. A box of disposable diapers is $40.00 for 100 diapers. Those diapers last two weeks before more have to be bought. A family with one baby can spend at least $80 a month on disposable diapers. If a family is struggling to make ends meet, that money towards diapers can mean the difference between having enough money to buy food or skimping on food for the month. As a whole, Americans spend $7 billion a year on diapers alone. That $7 billion can make a huge difference to a lot of families if it was saved every month instead of spent on diapers.

Cloth diapers are more expensive in the beginning but once a parent has enough, more do not have to be bought. Cloth diapers are a one-time investment and that is it. Once a parent has their stash of cloth diapers, there will not be any more late night store runs because the baby used up all of the diapers. One cloth diaper ranges from $10-$20 but that diaper can be washed and reused over and over again until the child is potty trained. Cloth diapering mamas recommend having no less than 8 cloth diapers for one day. Obviously a parent would have to do laundry, but having a baby means doing laundry so washing diapers is not much more work. Parents think that by washing another load of laundry, the electric and water bill will increase but in reality it only goes up a few cents a month.

Another thing parents like about disposable diapers is that they are easy to use. The caregiver takes the diaper out of the package, unfolds the diaper and places the diaper on the baby. The diaper is on, sometimes leak-proof, and the baby can get down and move around. After the diaper is soiled, the caregiver removes the diaper and throws the diaper away in the diaper pail and the process repeats. During a diaper change, sometimes diaper cream is used to heal or prevent a rash but the process is the same. The soiled diaper is removed, thrown away, and new diaper is put on with some diaper cream. The diaper changing process is done through out the day and even over night.

What most parents do not realize is that cloth diapers are just as convenient as disposable diapers. Most cloth diapers now are made with Velcro or snaps to secure the diaper on the child. Most cloth diapers are one diaper with no extra pieces needed for diaper changes. A parent takes the cloth diaper, unfolds it, puts it on the baby, and the baby can get down and run around. Leaks and messes are very uncommon with cloth diapers because they are more secure and fit the baby better. If the thought of messing with dirty diapers makes a parent shy away, there are disposable liners that can be thrown away or flushed. What most parents do not know is that with cloth diapers, very rarely is diaper cream needed because rashes are uncommon. When mixed with urine or feces, the perfumes in disposables cause bacteria to grow and can cause diaper rashes. In cloth diapers, there are no perfumes, chemicals, or additives so nothing is against the baby’s skin to cause a rash. Moisture is kept away from the baby’s skin better than in a disposable so it is more comfortable for a baby. The inside of a cloth diaper is mainly fleece or micro-fleece so it is extra soft to keep baby clean and dry.

Lastly, when parents decide between disposable diapers there is not much choice between colors and patterns. A parent gets a choice of Disney, Barney, or Blue’s Clues depending on which brand they decide to use. Most disposable diapers are white, gender neutral with a character on the front and back of the diaper. They are boring, dull and plain, but that is what is offered so a parent has to deal with it. If a certain brand does not work on your child, you have to buy another brand that is just as dull and boring. The outsides of diapers are not soft and often cause irritation to delicate baby skin.

What parents do not know is that there is an option in cloth diapers. A parent can get any color and any pattern of the rainbow on their diapers. There is a choice, and diapers can be bought to coordinate with outfits, seasons, likes, characters and softness. Most diapers are cotton outside which is soft and does not irritate the baby’s skin. Other diapers can be fleece, which is just as soft as cotton, and comes in more prints and patterns. Some diapers are mink, which feels like a blanket, and can help to keep the baby warm in the cold winter months. Cloth diapers can be custom made to fit what the parent likes, and to fit what the parent wants when it comes to a diaper. Some diapers can represent a favorite sports team, a favorite character or a favorite print. As babies turn into toddlers, diapers can be fun for them as well, especially if a diaper has their favorite cartoon character on it. With cloth diapers, there will be no more boring, dull, gender-neutral prints. Cloth diapers are fashionable and fun.

Disposable diapers have been the norm for years. Parents automatically grab disposable because they are “easier” and parents do not know better to change. Cloth diapers are just as easy, they are cheaper, and they are more fashionable than disposable diapers. Cloth diapers are also easier on sensitive baby skin than disposables, which cause rashes and irritations. As more parents become educated about cloth diapers, cloth diapers will become more popular. Eventually, cloth diapers will become a norm instead of a rarity.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Mac vs PC

I broke down. I did it. I finally made the switch from PC to Mac and I can say that I LOVE my Mac so far.

It takes some getting used to, to not have a right click mouse thing, or be able to touch the mouse pad to click and to have to figure out things but I like it. I really like how uncomplicated it is. Give me a few more weeks and I'll have an updated Mac vs PC blog entry but for now...that is all I know. :)

Now I'm obsessed with accessories for my laptop. I want a hard shell to protect the beauty of my laptop or maybe some type of pretty sleeve for it. I already have Office (which I need to install) but there are so many fun things I can do on this. I haven't even discovered all of it yet.

I'm happy with it. It makes me happy to have it. :)

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Sleeping Angels Contest

My wonderful friend, Casey, linked me to a contest through 5 Minutes for Mom for a new bedroom set. This bedroom set is from Home and Bedroom Furniture and they are offering the South Shore Children's Bedroom Set in either Lily Rose or Summer Breeze. Seeing as I don't have any girls, obviously I'd choose the Summer Breeze. The ironic part about that bedroom set is that it was the one I wanted for Ray but I never bought because we were in Guam and it was too expensive to ship it over to us, even if we bought it through the Exchange.

In order to enter this contest you have to blog a picture of your sleeping angel(s) so here's my beautiful picture. Before I took this picture, I was in between the boys and when I got up, Ray moved towards Zach to get closer to him.

Thanks for looking!

Monday, September 29, 2008

School Stuff

I know that my last blog was cryptic but I really didn't want to write more than I did.

I've been second guessing myself on a lot of things lately and it's been stressing the hell out of me. On Friday I was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to cut it in Anatomy and that I was doing the wrong thing. I worry every day that I am doing the wrong thing and that I'm somehow ruining my kids. I worry when I shouldn't and I feel as if I'm always worrying.

I took my first test in Anatomy on Friday and I didn't do too horribly bad. I got a 75 which sucks for me because it's not an A or B but it's a 75 and better than most of the other people in the class. With that grade and 2 crappy quiz grades dropped I have an 83 in there. It's not good enough and that sucks. I'm wondering if I'll be able to pull an A or at least a high B so maybe she'll bump it up to an A. I NEED this A otherwise I will retake Anatomy 1 until I get that A. I really don't want to do that. No I'm not being melodramatic or putting too much pressure on myself. In order to get into this nursing program, you have to have a total of 12 points. The 12 points come from different things, including 4 at most from a test you take. They only want to accept 50 people out of 500 that apply. That's 50 people...only 50, and most of those people have A's in Anatomy and didn't jack around and screw up. I don't have the time or money to screw up so I am putting tons of pressure on myself.

In other news...I have an A+ in psychology. I received a 97 on my first test in there. Woohoo go me! Tomorrow we turn a paper into English and start another one.

Things are going and I'm going to do this. I had a minor freak out over the weekend but I'm back to normal now. I will be okay and I will succeed. I have no choice and I will not accept anything other than success.

Saturday, September 27, 2008


It's time to make a decision.

What to do?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I feel pretty

I have a confession...are you ready for this?

I love to get beautified. I love to have my hair done, my nails done, get pedicures. I love to primp and be pretty.

I hadn't gotten a manicure since Zach was a month old or so and a pedicure in only Lord knows how long. It was time, well beyond time actually and I finally got to go yesterday! I got a deluxe pedicure, a manicure AND my sister's friend re-dyed my hair so it's finally the color I want. I LOVE it! I feel pretty, finally! I think I'm going to have to find a way to budget in enough money for mani/pedis every month because of how good I feel about myself.

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty...."

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Home :)

We are finally home. We left Austin yesterday afternoon and as soon as we pulled into Dad's driveway, we had power! We spent last night here and things have been lovely. Britt and I went to Wal Mart today to restock the freezers, fridge and pantry and spent over $400. It was insane but I'm glad we had the money to do it.

While at Wal Mart today, Zach had an obsession with patting my boobs and he'd get mad when I wouldn't let him. I'm not quite sure why but eh whatever. It's Zachary and he's a boob boy.

I start school again on Monday and it's going to be interesting. We haven't been in the school mode for over a week but we'll see how it goes.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sorry to Vent

I know it seems like all I ever do is vent but I have nowhere else to vent.

I have been in Austin since Ike hit and there is no power whatsoever. I have felt like a burden and like I've been annoying everyone here since I got here. I've been doing my best to keep the boys in line and under control and not have them under everyone's feet. We've been going non stop since Monday or Tuesday and quite frankly I'm exhausted. I know, though, that keeping them out of the house is the best because they run energy out and they don't tear the house apart.

Today we were gone all day but somehow Zach managed to get into the toilet paper and unroll some in my aunt's and uncle's bedroom. Instead of throwing the toilet paper away my uncle comes out and says
"You have to keep an eye on him. Your grandma can't chase him around all day, you have to watch him. It's not fair for her to have to do all of it." I sat there in shock and said "We haven't been home all day. We've been gone. I don't know when he would have done that" and he kept going on and on and on telling me how I had to watch him and not let him run around and I can't let Grandma do all of the work.

I'm in tears right now. I just feel like I've been attacked. I've done my best to keep them all entertained and not put anyone out and then this happens. She hasn't been watching him, I have. The ONLY time she's gone after him is if I'm busy or if she's already up and she goes to get him.

I think I'm going somewhere this weekend. Not sure where, but just away from here. I'm tired of being made to feel as if I'm a burden.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I want sleep....

I don't quite know if I really like myself. I'm having one of those nights.

I want to go home. I'm stressed because I'm not at home. I'm stressed because they haven't canceled school yet for Monday so whether Dad has power or not, we're leaving in the morning. I'm stressed because the boys aren't at home so they're acting out. I'm stressed because I have 2 tests on Monday or whenever I go back that I'm really not ready for.

I'm exhausted, I'm tired. I'm tired of doing it all alone. I'm just tired...exhausted...ready for life to settle down at some point, maybe? Maybe not..who knows.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Well we left

Apparently Hurricane Ike never got the memo to miss Texas and has Houston in his cross hairs. Each day it keeps shifting further and further east but Houston is going to get slammed either way. Right now, the ocean has reached the top of the seawall in Galveston and the hurricane is still several hours away from making landfall.

Britt, the boys and I left yesterday morning. We didn't have a mandatory evacuation for our zip code but we left anyways. I didn't want to put the boys through the stress of 80-100 mph winds, no electricity and possible tornadoes. I can't keep them safe from windows breaking, etc, so I left. We're in Austin with family and truthfully I'm a little bored. I wish I hadn't left but I'm glad I did. There are lots of Houstonians here that we've seen and we know that we'll be able to go home soon.

For those reading this, please pray that Houston isn't demolished and that nobody is killed. I want to go home and I want a home to go home to.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I love Co Sleeping

I love having both boys snuggling around me or around each other. I love having warm babies close to me and cuddling with me. I love the look on Zach's face when he fully wakes up and realizes that he's next to me or attached to the boob. I love the pats and the kisses. I just love co sleeping.

Monday, September 8, 2008

I'm Confused

That's all...just confused. I have a ton of stuff I need to work through in my head...just confused.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

This makes me sick

All summer the news has been playing stories on how parents "forget" their children in vehicles and the children end up dying because of the heat. How the hell do you "forget" your child? How do you not remember that you have this beautiful (or in my case these beautiful) child/children in your car and you need to take care of them? How do you do that?

I just read a story that a local mom (she's 20) got home from a party around 5 am and left her kids in the car. She woke up around 1 pm and remembered them. The kids survived but are in ICU. CPS doesn't want to give them back for good reason. The father wants custody of them but he has no job, income or driver's license. I just...I don't know. It makes me sick to even think about it.

Maybe I'm abnormal but my kids are my life. My kids are the reason why I am who I am. I would never forget them.

Stories like that make me want to hug my babies a little tighter and love them a little more.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Our 2nd Week

This week was so much better! Of course we didn't go to school on Tuesday but Wednesday-Friday were a major improvement on the daycare front.

Zach has actually been laying himself down on the nap mat to go to sleep. Every teacher there said how much he's improved AND he even got a happy face on the mood yesterday. Today he was grumpy because he woke up from his nap before he was ready but he's doing better. :D Today she just had to pat his back and he fell back asleep for another few hours.

Ray LOVES his new school. He is actually excited to go and today told me he can't wait for Monday. Wednesday and Thursday I walked him to his new room but today I dropped him off at the front where they drop off car riders and then cried the entire way home because it's another step to him growing up. I have no idea how I'm going to be next year for Kindergarten.

School for me is going well. I'm remembering why I love learning and why I love psychology so much. We're doing genetics in psych right now and I'm loving it. My teacher asked me what I was planning on doing and why I wasn't doing genetics. That made me feel pretty awesome. :) Anatomy...I had a quiz on Wednesday that I was not prepared for (date the night before coupled with stress from finding out about Ray) BUT I knew my stuff and I got an A. :) I missed 2 questions but it should have only been one. I got a term confused but had the first part right. She still counted it wrong though. Oh well. :)

That's our update. I hope that things continue to improve. :)

Thursday, September 4, 2008

7 Interesting Things About Me

My loving friend, Angel, wanted me to do this a while ago and I honestly didn't know what I would say. I still don't so it may be boring but I sure as hell am going to try.

1. I love psychology. I don't know why but I just love to know what and why things happen. I have to say that is my favorite class.

2. I really do like Anatomy. I love learning about the different body parts and what chemical reactions happen to cause whatever happens. Yeah technical terms but I enjoy it.

3. I'm not a shy person once you get to know me, or as I found out recently, if someone makes me feel comfortable enough to open up right away. Scary isn't it?

4. I am finally starting to feel at peace with the way things are. I'm at the right place in my life right now. School, kids, personal life, everything.

5. I have a horrible self esteem problem and I don't really know how to fix it. I'm sick to death of it but I don't know how to make it better.

6. I am a really good person. I have good morals, I have a wonderful upbringing, I've been blessed. I deserve better than what I was settling for.

7. I am me. I am goofy, I am fun, I am silly, I am serious, I am smart, I am educated. I am a wonderful mother, friend, girlfriend (wife whatever). I am crunchy and that's okay. I am strong enough to handle what life has thrown at me and will continue to throw at me. I can do it.

Now I think I'm supposed to pick someone else to do this but I don't know who all reads this so if you're reading this, do it. :)


Well apparently I was worrying over my date for nothing. Apparently he really likes me. How do I trust that?

I hate being so scared but damn it, I'm tired. I'm tired of giving my heart, just to have it ripped away and stomped on. I hate being so afraid. I wish I was like I used to be, giving my heart freely but times have changed. I'm older, I have been through 2 heartbreaks (major ones) and I have 2 little boys who are confused as hell because of all of it.

He (we'll call him B) doesn't know how serious K and I were. He doesn't know that we were going to get married. He does know I was living with him but he doesn't know the rest. I'm guessing he can assume but he doesn't know for sure.

Part of me wants to believe him and wants to believe it when he says he really likes me but the other part is going "yeah right." In my head I'm thinking why me? Why am I this lucky? I told him he just has to let me take it the way I want to and I'll be okay.

I guess we'll see what happens, right?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I don't get it

A while ago (when I was first married) I told my cousin that I was so happy I would never have to worry about dating again. Yeah look at me again. What the hell, I hate it. I really really do.

Things with Kasey are done. He stopped calling me for some reason and so I just said screw it. I'm done. If he wants to play these games, then I'm done. I have enough shit going on in my life, I don't need some immature games because he's pissed that I didn't answer my phone when he called.

I went on a date last night and I had a really good time but I hate the doubts. The "what if he doesn't like me" doubts or the "what if he doesn't like what I look like" doubts or the "what if it's just me feeling like we're having a good time and he's just being nice" doubts. I hate it. I hate doubting stuff. I hate the unknown.

Everything is so unsettled in my life right now and I hate it. I am scared out of my mind for Ray (he has cysts in his sinuses and we're going to a neurologist next week), I'm scared out of my mind about school and god things with Dad are making me uneasy.

He's dating this new girl who is 34 (yes 9 years older than me) and she has an 11 year old and a 12 year old. Apparently he's serious about it and they've been talking about buying a house. Well her daughter told me and Britt that it's a 5 bedroom house. Guess what? We all don't fit into a 5 bedroom house. We need at least 7 bedrooms to fit everyone and we are not moving south of the city.

I just wish life was normal and easy but that wouldn't be my life. So here I sit, crying because I just am so blah, and wanting to just sleep the day away.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Kentucky Mom Asked to Stop Breastfeeding

This story makes me so mad on so many levels, I can't even begin to describe how I feel.

I think it's a case of an ignorant person being told by another ignorant person that what this woman was doing was disgusting and perverse.

Breastfeeding is not perverse, it's not sexual. It's feeding your baby and giving your baby the best start that you can.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Beginning to feel the stress

I'm beginning to feel the stress of being a single mom to 2 kids, young kids at that. Zach is a high needs baby and no it's not because I've spoiled him. It's how he is. I'm okay with it some days. Other days it sucks. Like now.

He's stubborn and when he wants what he wants, he wants that and nothing else. I can't do anything without him pitching a fit lately and it's driving me crazy. I used to have help, but not so much anymore.



Dad's dating a new woman and seeing them together so happy makes me sad. I want that.

She has 2 children who are 11 and 12. The girl has latched on to Britt which is fine but at the same time I want her to go away. I want my sister to myself right now.

We went today to take her kids to the painting place. R, Z and I went with them and R painted and had a blast but then he would just sit there and look at my dad like "Why aren't you helping me?" Dad wouldn't even help R wash his hands. Then Z was grumpy like always and I was just overwhelmed. I didn't sign up to do this on my own.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'm allowed I guess.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Extended Nursing

I have been receiving comments about when I am going to wean Zach and after reading Casey's blog ( about extended nursing I decided to put my own reasons down. Thanks Casey. :)

R nursed for 2 years and 1 month. The only reason he weaned was because I had to get my wisdom teeth removed and I couldn't nurse him and keep up enough strength for myself. He was okay with it and hasn't missed it. He's never asked questions, he's never asked to nurse. It was time for both of us. With R I did get some comments but never many because I wasn't at home and around people. Ex did make comments so I just chose to not nurse around him. He knew I was still nursing but as long as he didn't have to see it, he was okay with it.

Z has been a booby baby from the get go. He has nursed on demand his entire life. In the beginning we had so many problems that I almost gave up. We developed thrush ( ) and because of thrush I had horrible holes in my nipples. I had cracked, bleeding nipples, thrush, an over active let down ( ) , a milk sensitive baby, the problems kept coming and coming. I almost gave up because I was in so much pain but I knew I loved nursing too much to give up. Once 6 weeks hit, life got better. Things finally clicked. I started block nursing to help combat the overactive letdown, thrush finally went away and our nursing relationship really began.

I was in no rush to begin solids with Z because I knew that he was getting everything he needed from nursing. When he did start them, nursing didn't decrease, in fact I think it increased some days. He loves to nurse. He loves the comfort.

So here we are, 1 year and still nursing strong. Starting school is going to put up another road block in our nursing relationship but I'm going to keep doing it. I will pump during the day if I need to and then let him nurse away at night.

Extended nursing is not for everyone. I respect that so all I ask in return is that you respect my decision to continue our nursing relationship.

Here are some wonderful resources for you to read, if you so choose, about extended nursing and the benefits.;115/2/496

Pediatricians and parents should be aware that exclusive breastfeeding is sufficient to support optimal growth and development for approximately the first 6 months of life{ddagger} and provides continuing protection against diarrhea and respiratory tract infection.30,34,128,178184 Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child.185

Some Good News

Things haven't been good around here. My mom is still full of problems and I just can't deal with it anymore. Last night she put me and my children in harm's way and I'm done. Until she can decide to be an adult and take care of herself, I can't do it anymore. I will talk to her, I will see her sometimes but that's about it.

So here's the good news. I'm going back to school August 25th. I'm not just doing business or something like that, I'm doing nursing. I know it's going to be difficult but for the first time I know what I want to major in and I know I'm doing the right thing.

So that's my update. :)

Friday, July 18, 2008

And once again my no good very bad day

Things just don't seem to be getting better. We were having a good day and we get a call from my Grandma. Mom's dog died. Mom's dog dying means mom gets depressed and that means mom has to go to the hospital. Guess who took her? Me and Britt. *sigh*

I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I can't deal with anything else bad happening.

Tomorrow is Z's birthday party. I have to wake up at 7 am in order to get everything done that we couldn't get done today.

Good night. I hope tomorrow is tons better.

My No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day

I hate bitching and complaining but my day sucked ass. It was really horrible.

It started out this morning with this horrible dream where someone was trying to steal Zachary and me. I woke up crying and freaking out because Zach wasn't in bed with me. He was in the living room eating donuts with Kasey and Ray but it still freaked me out. Ray had a donut for breakfast so of course he was bouncing off of the walls because of the sugar, well that and he knew we were going to Papa's.

So he's in the fridge trying to get a cheese stick and he knocks the tea out of the fridge all over the ground. I was so pissed but mainly at myself because I didn't help him. I sent him to his room while I cleaned so he could keep Zach out of the way and I told him he needed to clean his room. He came back at me yelling and screaming that he didn't want to clean his room. No I didn't respond the way I really wanted to but shit happens. I yelled back and sent him back in there.

Kasey comes home, we get ready to leave to go to Dad's and I am just in a horrible mood. We're driving, almost halfway to Dad's and the front left tire blows out on me. I allow myself a few minutes to cry and then we get somewhat off of the freeway so Kasey can start changing the tire. He gets the car lifted up, the tire almost off and the car falls off of the jack. Yes seriously that happens. The boys and I are in the car and the car falls off of the jack. I can't do anything but sit there in shock, Kasey is in shock sitting on the ground next to the car. We both look at each other like "Well shit..." We are trying to figure out who to call to bring us another jack when a tow truck pulls up. The city hires some tow trucks to tow motorists to safety so they're not on the freeway. That was awesome, except for the fact that the car is resting on the rotor and the boys and I are still in the car. We're in the car while he's pulling the car up onto the flat bed of the truck, as he's driving across two lanes of feeder traffic to a parking lot. It wasn't just a normal parking was a parking lot for an Adult/Erotica Store. Yeah that's great. Ray was like "Mommy, what buildin' is that?" My answer was "Umm...a not good place."

So we make it to Dad's house all in one piece and my sis and I start running errands. We get almost done and we're having a great time when she gets a phone call from my grandma. Apparently my mom has bruises all over her face from her boyfriend. To make it all even better, her cat died tonight too. So now my sis and I are worried about Mom and trying to figure out how to get her over to Grandma's.

Mom is at Grandma's, my sis is at the movies with her friends, and both of my boys are sleeping. I am no longer wanting to chop my boobs off and just hand them to Zach, and I have been doing some online browsing.

So that's my no good horrible very bad day. I sure hope we don't get to play that game again.

Peace, love and Starbucks....oh yeah I had Starbucks tonight so I am bouncing off of the walls. I need to go to bed soon.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

It's My Life

I feel like I have been saying that ever since I started having my own opinion, something different than other people I grew up around. It's my Life. Mine. People may not agree with my choices but they are mine to make. If I make mistakes they are mine and nobody else's. If I make a mistake yeah it will suck but I'll learn from it and move on. Isn't that what life is about? Taking chances and either fall flat on your ass or have it work?

Some may look at my marriage as a failure because we divorced. Yes in that aspect we failed but damn it I didn't fail completely. I have 2 wonderfully handsome little boys who are happy. They smile and laugh all of the time. They are well taken care of and loved more than I knew I was capable of. I never knew I was able to love as deep and pure as I love my boys. So see...I didn't fail. I didn't make a mistake by marrying him.

So now I get another chance to love. Let me make that decision please. This is my life and I am not going to sit by and watch it pass me by. I am going to grasp for the ring and if I miss, at least I know I tried. If I miss, I will brush myself off and climb back on. That's how I work. I get up and try again.

Let me do it. Let me try. I deserve this chance so keep all negativity to yourself.

Let me go...

Saturday, July 12, 2008


I've been suffering from depression on and off my entire life. Sounds dramatic I know but I remember being in 5th grade and crying for no reason. Then in 6th grade was when I went on an anti-depressant for the first time. I know you're thinking "holy cow 6th grade, what does a 6th grader have to be depressed about?" It's heredity for me. My mom is severely bipolar and so not only have I been dealing with my own life growing up, I've been dealing with her. Many times I was the parent instead of her.

Looking back to after I had Ray, I was suffering from PPD but didn't know it. I never had the not wanting to bond with him, but the not wanting to shower, just wanting to hold him for fear of something happening to him thing. With Zach, I knew my circumstances were different and a lot harder so I pretty much was going to have PPD no matter what. I got anti depressants after I had him and they worked and then I started feeling better. Yes, I made a huge mistake by going off of them, but I did. *slaps hand*

Now I feel fine but have days of depression. I don't feel suicidal or anything, nor have I ever felt suicidal, I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone but my family. I don't want to go anywhere but with my family. It's affecting my friendships. I don't know what to do. I don't get dressed some days. I'm serious when I say I don't want to do anything.

I haven't found an antidepressant that I really like. I was on Celexa b/c it's approved for breastfeeding and I had emotions on that one. When I was on Zoloft I was a zombie and I hated that. I guess I could try Celexa again, it's just finding a doctor I can use on my insurance.

So that's my story...well the condensed version of it. Oh I should say that a reason why I don't want to stay on medication for an extended period of time is because I am TERRIFIED of winding up like my mother. I've never known a functioning bipolar person (until recently) and it scares me. I am scared that by admitting I suffer from depression, it will turn into bipolar.

I don't really have anxiety. It's just the whole "I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, see anyone" thing. I also have to wonder if my avoidance of "friends" has to do with depression or how they make me feel when I'm with them. I've entered this self preservation mode. If it's not good for me or for my boys then I won't do it. I can't handle it anymore. I know I haven't worked through everything from the divorce. My mode of coping was stay so busy I don't think about it. Healthy huh?

I sometimes go to his myspace page and look. I don't know why. It's not like I want him back because I don't. I don't even know why I go there but I do and it hurts. Not her with him but the fact that he hurt me. He promised to love and cherish me for the rest of his life and I believed that. I trusted him. I wonder if I'll ever learn to trust fully again.

I trust K more than I realize. I trust him enough to be able to blow up at him and say how I really feel and know that he won't get pissed off at me and leave. I trust him enough to take care of my children. trust him enough to let him in to see me, the me I really am. I am still scared that he'll do the same thing Ex did and that's decide he doesn't want to do it all anymore and he'll leave. I know he's not Ex but it still scares me. Maybe that's why I'm so focused on finding a job. That way if he does leave, I know I'll be able to take care of my boys without relying on anyone else. That's not a healthy way to think, is it? If he was going to leave, I think he would have left a long time ago. My life isn't exactly drama free and he just takes it all in stride.

When am I going to learn that it's okay to trust? Will it ever happen again?

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Oh good Lord I am bored out of my mind.

I cleaned a nasty bathroom today. It needed to be done but it sucks when it's not my shit (lol). I haven't used it that often and yet I still ended up cleaning it. Oh well. Dad appreciated it. I just hope the other 2 do as well.

I have been having a hard time lately. I don't feel as if I fit in anywhere. I don't have many IRL friends and when I do see them, I feel as if there's this weird impasse between us. We have nothing really to talk about and there are strained weird silences. It sucks. A lot.

I've been filling out job applications and submitting resumes because I'm ready to get back into the work force. One job that I sent my resume to was in Dallas. It is 4 hours away from here and I'd be completely on my own but maybe that's what I need? I haven't heard back from them and I'm not really expecting to hear back from them but it got me thinking.

Houston is my home but I've never really liked living here. I was so glad to move away and experience different things. Maybe I just have the Military itch. That itch you get after being in one place for too long. The itch that lets you know it's almost time to switch duty stations. Too bad I'm not a military wifey anymore.

Saturday, July 5, 2008's been a Long Time

I haven't even been blogging on myspace. I just don't have the time for it right now.

Z is walking and getting into everything. R has hit the 4 year old I'm better than everyone stuff and it's driving me crazy. I know it's part of being a mom but man it sucks sometimes. I hate having to be the bad guy but I know it's better that I do it now rather than have him be a shitty ass teenager.

I don't have internet at my house yet and it's driving me crazy. I can't wait until we get the internet. I miss talking to all of my friends online. It's sad but my best friends are online.

Ex got married to the girl from Guam. Why you ask? I don't know. I don't think he loves her. I don't think he's capable of loving anyone but himself. He thinks he loves R but he doesn't. If he did, then he wouldn't not pay child support.

This whole divorce thing has really screwed with my head. I wish I wouldn't have found out about him cheating on me because now I'm terrified that it will happen again. I trust K and I know he wouldn't but it still...I don't know, scares me?

K has a family that has adopted him since he was younger. They live a few minutes away and they're all super nice. I get along with them or at least I thought I did. Ms. D is the mom and she is very strict with the grandkids and I don't agree with it. I never told anyone but K that I don't agree with it and now he thinks I don't like her. I do like her as a person. She is a very sweet, caring, generous person, she really is. And being strict on kids is okay but in MY opinion the way she's doing stuff isn't the way I'd do stuff. And I know the way I do stuff isn't the way she'd do it. That's okay, we can differ on things, especially when it comes to parenting. It just makes my time over there very uncomfortable because I know she's looking at me wondering why I've never left Zach and why he's still breastfed and why when he cries, I pick him up. That's just how I am and how I'll always be. I'm going back to work at some point and I considered asking her to watch the boys on top of the other kids she watches but I don't want her to anymore. I'd rather pay for daycare. How bad is that?

I know this update is more of a vent but I had to get it out. I'm still breastfeeding, Zach is still cloth diapering and we're all happy.

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July!

Monday, March 10, 2008

Opinions Are Like Buttholes, Everyone has one and They Stink

Sometimes I get so fed up with people who think that their opinions are the only opinions that matter. I am also fed up with people who hear other opinions and get mad about opposing opinions. Why does it matter if someone else has a different opinion, that's what makes people so special. Ugh! People really need to grow up.

We went to a wedding this weekend. It wasn't just any wedding, it was my best friend's wedding. We've been best friends since we were 12 (her) and 11 (me) so it's been a long time. We've been through boyfriends, friends, school, everything and now she's married with a baby on the way. I couldn't be happier for her. She deserves this more than anyone else I know.

While at the wedding, it really gave me weddingitis. I know we're not getting married yet for practical reasons but another part of me says screw those practical reasons, we'll make it work. I'll get a job, something. I don't know what's going to happen but something will, someday. We were talking about weddings yesterday which made me feel good so we'll see what happens.

For now...I'm being responsible and providing for my kids.

Monday, February 25, 2008

I'm Ready

Right now we're renting a house pretty far away from everyone. It's a nice house in the country's pretty far away from everyone. Kasey has to drive an hour to get to work, I have to drive an hour to get to Ray's school and to my family's house. It's just not practical to live out there so we want to move closer. Renting houses out here is crazy, it just doesn't happen unless you have tons of money.

I found a house that I want. It's a foreclosure so who knows what kind of condition it's in but it's 4 bedroom 2.5 bath and 2 stories. I really want this house but I know the market sucks right now for buying houses. The one thing going for us is the VA loan. *sigh*

Please cross your fingers, say prayers something that this works out because I really want my own house. It's time to grow up and be an adult.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Random Ramblings

Sorry it's been so long. I'm really going to try to blog at least once or twice a week.

Here are some questions for the night. Why do people get married? Why do people stay married even when they're not happy? Do you really think that people who get married at 19, 20 will stay married forever? Why does society these days make divorce as acceptable as it is?

Yeah I know these are deep thoughts and focused on marriage but someone asked me the question "Why do people get married" and the best answer I had was "Because they love each other." How's that for a deep response? Seriously though...why is marriage so important? If you love each other and have a commitment to each other, why is that certain piece of paper so important?

I know why. There's just something special about saying "my husband" or "my wife". There's something sacred about the love between two people who really love each other. There's something awesome about the feeling of pure contentment, knowing that this person loves you enough to want to be with you for the rest of his life.

I know I love K. I know that I can live without him but the main thing is that I don't want to live without him. I don't like being away from him. I don't want him to work over nights and off shore or go on deployments. It's not okay for me. I put up with being a military wife for almost 5 years and I won't do it again. I won't be a single married mom again.

I know K loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I just think we're both shy. We're both scared that things could go wrong but sometimes in life you can't shy away. You can't be afraid, you have to take chances so maybe soon we'll both jump.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

It's been a while...

I apologize for how long it's been since I've updated. I have no excuse other than the fact that I have two kids, a boyfriend, 4 dogs, some random family and some really good friends.

Here's a really quick update from November 15th until now. Thanksgiving was okay, Christmas was horrible, New Years was good and my birthday was good. :)

Z has been fighting RSV since December 19th and it's been horrible. He's been so sick and I can't do anything about it except to nurse him, cuddle him and hug him. I hate him being sick. I hate going to the doctor every week or two because he's just not getting better. The good news is that the cough is gone so he's not hacking anymore. He's still congested (but who in Houston isn't), he has a small cough (once again, who in Houston doesn't) and because of this congestion, he has double ear infections now. Yeah craptastic isn't it? I was so upset with everything when I left the doctor's office on Wednesday. Why can't I keep my child well? What is so hard about keeping a breastfed baby well? Ugh!

R has entered a very ornery stage and it tests me every day. He has taken to making up stories and lying. I know he's just using his imagination and testing his limits but man does it frustrate me. I know a lot of it is with Z being as sick as he's been, R's getting almost no mommy time and he needs it. I made a point to spend some time with him today and he seems to be doing better so I hope that if we continue to spend more time together, he'll keep doing as well as he's been doing today.

I'm almost moved into K's house. I'm at Dad's house right now and it seems like no matter what I do, I can't make anyone happy here. A (dad's g/f) and B seem so mad at me no matter what I do. I didn't even do anything last night and they were acting weird towards me. People at dinner (who aren't around all of the time) didn't notice it but K did and asked me about it. At dinner, I wanted R to sit next to me and B said "No he's next to me!" and then when I went down there to see R, she got this smirk or something on her face. I don't get it. I just don't belong here anymore. Sometimes I feel as if I don't belong anywhere.