Thursday, November 15, 2007


There is nothing more peaceful than a sleeping baby. I love when you can tell when they hit that point of no return and they're completely knocked out. Nothing will wake them, their limbs are heavy and they just melt into you. I also love it when I lay Z down and he rubs his face on his bed until he gets comfortable and then he passes back out, with his butt in the air of course.

I think one of my most favorite things is when Z is nursing and he's so tired but he is fighting sleep to nurse more. His eyes will roll back into his head and then he opens them again, then they'll roll, etc etc. Then he'll get into a bit of a deeper sleep and he'll unlatch, then hurry to latch back on. I love nursing. :)

Tonight R was ready for bed and I was nursing Z. R comes and asks me if he can just go to bed in his tshirt. He was so tired, my poor little one. I guess the throwing up from the night before got to him, not that I blame him.

Okay on to bed to be with my wonderful children. R's in his bed, Z's in his bed but I know soon Z will be in bed with me, cuddling up next to me. Yes I co-sleep and no, nobody will ever stop me.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Pictures of my Boys

I'm going to update yall with some new pictures of my beautiful boys. They're my life and I don't know what I'd do without them.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Being a Parent

Sometimes being a parent really sucks when you have to make choices that you don't want to make but you know the choice is what's best for your children.

Right now I'm being faced with one of the hardest choices so far. R's dad (X) isn't being much of a father. R spent more time with his great-grandma than he did his father. X is also Z's father (obviously since we were married) and X had nothing to do with Z when he dropped R off this morning. He didn't look at him, didn't want to see him, didn't even mention him. He just dropped R off and left. So this is the hard choice I'm facing. I want to send X termination of parental rights papers for Z because he obviously doesn't care two craps about him and Z deserves better than that. Z and R both have a wonderful father in their life who loves them like they were his own. That's all I can ask for.

And I want to apologize for not writing every day like I set out to do. I needed to clear my head and think and being around Dad's house was just too much for me to do that. I escaped to K's house and spent some time with him.

Monday night (the 5th) we were laying in bed and he asked me to marry him. It was the sweetest, most sincere moment of my life (other than birthing my children) and I am so happy. We're not sure when the wedding will be but it's going to happen.

Z's hungry and ready for bed. That's my update.

Friday, November 9, 2007

I hate Dreams

Wednesday Ex's Gma drove down so we could go see some of their family. I took the boys and we had a good time. I told ex-gma about K because I knew it would get back to Ex and I'm pretty non-confrontational when it comes to everything. He called me Wednesday night and had an attitude with me asking me about K. Then he said "it's okay, I have been dating someone too." Yes I knew about this but I wanted to hear it from him. That night I had a horrible dream that S (his g/f) was a huge witch and was trying to get R to call her mommy and told him that I wasn't his mommy anymore.

I know why I'm having these dreams and they make sense to my head but to my heart I'm terrified. I'm terrified that R will like her better than me and want to live up with Ex and S. I know it makes no sense but if I lost my boys, I would wither and die. I love my boys with every fiber of my being and I can't imagine my life without them.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Going Missing

My 3 year old, R, is going up to see his Dad for 5 days so I'm going to K's tonight and tomorrow night.

When I get back, I'll explain my last post.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

He loves Me

He really loves That's hard to accept sometimes especially after what I endured with Ex.

K is a wonderful father to my boys and he's going to be a wonderful husband.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Miracle of Life

I got to see a brand new embryo on ultrasound today and I was reminded of why life is beautiful.

Yes I have baby fever, again.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Trip Down Not so Good Memory Lane

I want to apologize in advance for this. It has nothing to do with breastfeeding or mothering but I need to get it out.

I went through the boxes of my stuff that ex sent to me. Most of the stuff, I threw away because the things that were really important to me, I brought on the airplane or in my 4 suitcases. So one of the things that I had to go through was a box of memories. I've had this box since ex and I started dating, back in 1999 and it's full of pictures, letters, cards and notebooks that I made for him to read while he was out on deployments.

This box was hard to go through. There were tons of wedding pictures, pictures from my senior year, graduation, prom, all with him in them. In the letters, I proclaimed my love for him and told him how much I loved him and going back and reading them, I feel like an idiot. I was so naive and blinded by hope and love. I thought that I was living a fairy tale and he was my Prince Charming, only in a Sailor uniform. Maybe I was in love with the idea of being in love.

I think what hurts the most is reading the letters he wrote to me. The letters where he said how much he loved me and missed me and how perfect I was and how I was the best wife. I believed him. I believed that he loved me and always would. I believed that we would last and grow to be 70 or 80 and have great grandkids together.

Here's my confession...I don't think I really wanted to marry him. I just didn't want to hurt him and I did love him, I just didn't want to be married that young. Deep down I knew that things weren't going to last. I just chose to hide my head in the sand and hope that things would be okay. Once R came into the picture, I saw that ex wasn't the Dad or husband I wanted to be and that's when I knew. I was rocking R one night when he was 3 weeks old and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I wasn't in love with ex anymore. I should have known then to call it quits but I didn't. I guess I thought that I had to stick it out and deal with my choice, no matter if it was a bad choice.

So here I am, 24 years old, a single mom to two beautiful boys. I wouldn't go back and change anything and honestly, I don't think I loved him as much as I thought. If I did, I would have fought for him and our marriage more. I would have tried harder but then again, I did try. I tried the hardest I could but he didn't care. He is the one who stepped out, not me. He's the one who cheated, not me. He's the one who moved halfway across the world without consulting me. He ended it before I did, I just hid my head in the sand like usual, hoping that things would get better.

So I've moved on and I'm dating a wonderful guy but part of me is always wondering when this one is going to go bad too. The difference is K and I actually talk about stuff. We communicate. And the best part? He really cares. He treats my boys like they are his own and he actually likes being around us. I have hope that this will work and I will fight for this one because I deserve better than what I received with ex.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Things I love about Breastfeeding

1. Knowing that 100% of what my baby gets is from me.

2. Knowing that the reason why he's almost 15 lbs at 3.5 months old is because of me.

3. The bonding time we get.

4. The milky smiles.

5. The "milk drunk" look.

6. Passing out from being milk drunk.

7. The cuddling.

8. The giggle before latching on.

9. The instant contentment after latching on.

10. Co-sleeping while nursing.

11. The huge burps.

12. The lack of projectile spit up.

13. The gulping.

14. Him grabbing my hand while he nurses.

15. The rooting.

16. The nutritional benefits.

17. Knowing that I'm giving my son the best food ever.

18. The wonderful friends I've made because of breastfeeding.

19. Finally finding something I feel passionate about.

20. Helping other moms overcome problems they have while breastfeeding.

Please feel free to comment to add your own things. :) I'd love to see them.

Friday, November 2, 2007


I hate feeling helpless. I don't think there's any other feeling worse than knowing that your little baby is sick and you can't do anything to stop it from happening.

With an ear infection, you can give antibiotics and you know that something is going to help eventually. My poor baby, Z, has the flu and an ear infection. He has antibiotics to help with the ear part but we can't do anything but sit and wait in anticipation for the flu to hit.

Today at the doctor, he wanted to swab Z's nose just to be sure he doesn't have the flu. Well to our surprise it came back positive. Sometimes I think that's worse. I know he has the flu but it hasn't given him any symptoms yet. We're just sitting here waiting, knowing that the worst is yet to come and when the worst comes, what can I do? Absolutely nothing but tylenol, nursing and holding him, making sure he's okay.

I love being a Mom but the sick times suck because you can't do anything to fix it.

Thursday, November 1, 2007


I sometimes wish that I had more interesting things to write about. My life is pretty boring and not really that much fun. Wait, I take that back. I have a 3 year old (he'll go by R) and a 3 month old (he'll go by Z) so my life is never boring nor not any fun. My boys are constantly making me smile, laugh, cry and get aggravated, and that's all within 10 minutes.

I don't think anyone realizes how lacking their life was until they have children. I never knew my purpose in life until I had R and then everything became clear. My purpose in life is to be the best mom I can be for my two boys. My purpose in life is to nurture these innocent sweet babies and help them grow into the best men they can be.

I try not to think about them growing up and just enjoy R and Z being little. I enjoy the cuddles, the kisses, the co-sleeping, the nursing, the baby slobber, the new milestones...everything that comes with having a toddler and a newborn I try to enjoy. They grow up way too fast!

My message...enjoy your little babies while you can because before you know it, they'll be leaving for their first day of preschool or high school.