Monday, September 29, 2008

School Stuff

I know that my last blog was cryptic but I really didn't want to write more than I did.

I've been second guessing myself on a lot of things lately and it's been stressing the hell out of me. On Friday I was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to cut it in Anatomy and that I was doing the wrong thing. I worry every day that I am doing the wrong thing and that I'm somehow ruining my kids. I worry when I shouldn't and I feel as if I'm always worrying.

I took my first test in Anatomy on Friday and I didn't do too horribly bad. I got a 75 which sucks for me because it's not an A or B but it's a 75 and better than most of the other people in the class. With that grade and 2 crappy quiz grades dropped I have an 83 in there. It's not good enough and that sucks. I'm wondering if I'll be able to pull an A or at least a high B so maybe she'll bump it up to an A. I NEED this A otherwise I will retake Anatomy 1 until I get that A. I really don't want to do that. No I'm not being melodramatic or putting too much pressure on myself. In order to get into this nursing program, you have to have a total of 12 points. The 12 points come from different things, including 4 at most from a test you take. They only want to accept 50 people out of 500 that apply. That's 50 people...only 50, and most of those people have A's in Anatomy and didn't jack around and screw up. I don't have the time or money to screw up so I am putting tons of pressure on myself.

In other news...I have an A+ in psychology. I received a 97 on my first test in there. Woohoo go me! Tomorrow we turn a paper into English and start another one.

Things are going and I'm going to do this. I had a minor freak out over the weekend but I'm back to normal now. I will be okay and I will succeed. I have no choice and I will not accept anything other than success.

Saturday, September 27, 2008


It's time to make a decision.

What to do?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I feel pretty

I have a confession...are you ready for this?

I love to get beautified. I love to have my hair done, my nails done, get pedicures. I love to primp and be pretty.

I hadn't gotten a manicure since Zach was a month old or so and a pedicure in only Lord knows how long. It was time, well beyond time actually and I finally got to go yesterday! I got a deluxe pedicure, a manicure AND my sister's friend re-dyed my hair so it's finally the color I want. I LOVE it! I feel pretty, finally! I think I'm going to have to find a way to budget in enough money for mani/pedis every month because of how good I feel about myself.

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty...."

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Home :)

We are finally home. We left Austin yesterday afternoon and as soon as we pulled into Dad's driveway, we had power! We spent last night here and things have been lovely. Britt and I went to Wal Mart today to restock the freezers, fridge and pantry and spent over $400. It was insane but I'm glad we had the money to do it.

While at Wal Mart today, Zach had an obsession with patting my boobs and he'd get mad when I wouldn't let him. I'm not quite sure why but eh whatever. It's Zachary and he's a boob boy.

I start school again on Monday and it's going to be interesting. We haven't been in the school mode for over a week but we'll see how it goes.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sorry to Vent

I know it seems like all I ever do is vent but I have nowhere else to vent.

I have been in Austin since Ike hit and there is no power whatsoever. I have felt like a burden and like I've been annoying everyone here since I got here. I've been doing my best to keep the boys in line and under control and not have them under everyone's feet. We've been going non stop since Monday or Tuesday and quite frankly I'm exhausted. I know, though, that keeping them out of the house is the best because they run energy out and they don't tear the house apart.

Today we were gone all day but somehow Zach managed to get into the toilet paper and unroll some in my aunt's and uncle's bedroom. Instead of throwing the toilet paper away my uncle comes out and says
"You have to keep an eye on him. Your grandma can't chase him around all day, you have to watch him. It's not fair for her to have to do all of it." I sat there in shock and said "We haven't been home all day. We've been gone. I don't know when he would have done that" and he kept going on and on and on telling me how I had to watch him and not let him run around and I can't let Grandma do all of the work.

I'm in tears right now. I just feel like I've been attacked. I've done my best to keep them all entertained and not put anyone out and then this happens. She hasn't been watching him, I have. The ONLY time she's gone after him is if I'm busy or if she's already up and she goes to get him.

I think I'm going somewhere this weekend. Not sure where, but just away from here. I'm tired of being made to feel as if I'm a burden.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I want sleep....

I don't quite know if I really like myself. I'm having one of those nights.

I want to go home. I'm stressed because I'm not at home. I'm stressed because they haven't canceled school yet for Monday so whether Dad has power or not, we're leaving in the morning. I'm stressed because the boys aren't at home so they're acting out. I'm stressed because I have 2 tests on Monday or whenever I go back that I'm really not ready for.

I'm exhausted, I'm tired. I'm tired of doing it all alone. I'm just tired...exhausted...ready for life to settle down at some point, maybe? Maybe not..who knows.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Well we left

Apparently Hurricane Ike never got the memo to miss Texas and has Houston in his cross hairs. Each day it keeps shifting further and further east but Houston is going to get slammed either way. Right now, the ocean has reached the top of the seawall in Galveston and the hurricane is still several hours away from making landfall.

Britt, the boys and I left yesterday morning. We didn't have a mandatory evacuation for our zip code but we left anyways. I didn't want to put the boys through the stress of 80-100 mph winds, no electricity and possible tornadoes. I can't keep them safe from windows breaking, etc, so I left. We're in Austin with family and truthfully I'm a little bored. I wish I hadn't left but I'm glad I did. There are lots of Houstonians here that we've seen and we know that we'll be able to go home soon.

For those reading this, please pray that Houston isn't demolished and that nobody is killed. I want to go home and I want a home to go home to.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I love Co Sleeping

I love having both boys snuggling around me or around each other. I love having warm babies close to me and cuddling with me. I love the look on Zach's face when he fully wakes up and realizes that he's next to me or attached to the boob. I love the pats and the kisses. I just love co sleeping.

Monday, September 8, 2008

I'm Confused

That's all...just confused. I have a ton of stuff I need to work through in my head...just confused.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

This makes me sick

All summer the news has been playing stories on how parents "forget" their children in vehicles and the children end up dying because of the heat. How the hell do you "forget" your child? How do you not remember that you have this beautiful (or in my case these beautiful) child/children in your car and you need to take care of them? How do you do that?

I just read a story that a local mom (she's 20) got home from a party around 5 am and left her kids in the car. She woke up around 1 pm and remembered them. The kids survived but are in ICU. CPS doesn't want to give them back for good reason. The father wants custody of them but he has no job, income or driver's license. I just...I don't know. It makes me sick to even think about it.

Maybe I'm abnormal but my kids are my life. My kids are the reason why I am who I am. I would never forget them.

Stories like that make me want to hug my babies a little tighter and love them a little more.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Our 2nd Week

This week was so much better! Of course we didn't go to school on Tuesday but Wednesday-Friday were a major improvement on the daycare front.

Zach has actually been laying himself down on the nap mat to go to sleep. Every teacher there said how much he's improved AND he even got a happy face on the mood yesterday. Today he was grumpy because he woke up from his nap before he was ready but he's doing better. :D Today she just had to pat his back and he fell back asleep for another few hours.

Ray LOVES his new school. He is actually excited to go and today told me he can't wait for Monday. Wednesday and Thursday I walked him to his new room but today I dropped him off at the front where they drop off car riders and then cried the entire way home because it's another step to him growing up. I have no idea how I'm going to be next year for Kindergarten.

School for me is going well. I'm remembering why I love learning and why I love psychology so much. We're doing genetics in psych right now and I'm loving it. My teacher asked me what I was planning on doing and why I wasn't doing genetics. That made me feel pretty awesome. :) Anatomy...I had a quiz on Wednesday that I was not prepared for (date the night before coupled with stress from finding out about Ray) BUT I knew my stuff and I got an A. :) I missed 2 questions but it should have only been one. I got a term confused but had the first part right. She still counted it wrong though. Oh well. :)

That's our update. I hope that things continue to improve. :)

Thursday, September 4, 2008

7 Interesting Things About Me

My loving friend, Angel, wanted me to do this a while ago and I honestly didn't know what I would say. I still don't so it may be boring but I sure as hell am going to try.

1. I love psychology. I don't know why but I just love to know what and why things happen. I have to say that is my favorite class.

2. I really do like Anatomy. I love learning about the different body parts and what chemical reactions happen to cause whatever happens. Yeah technical terms but I enjoy it.

3. I'm not a shy person once you get to know me, or as I found out recently, if someone makes me feel comfortable enough to open up right away. Scary isn't it?

4. I am finally starting to feel at peace with the way things are. I'm at the right place in my life right now. School, kids, personal life, everything.

5. I have a horrible self esteem problem and I don't really know how to fix it. I'm sick to death of it but I don't know how to make it better.

6. I am a really good person. I have good morals, I have a wonderful upbringing, I've been blessed. I deserve better than what I was settling for.

7. I am me. I am goofy, I am fun, I am silly, I am serious, I am smart, I am educated. I am a wonderful mother, friend, girlfriend (wife whatever). I am crunchy and that's okay. I am strong enough to handle what life has thrown at me and will continue to throw at me. I can do it.

Now I think I'm supposed to pick someone else to do this but I don't know who all reads this so if you're reading this, do it. :)


Well apparently I was worrying over my date for nothing. Apparently he really likes me. How do I trust that?

I hate being so scared but damn it, I'm tired. I'm tired of giving my heart, just to have it ripped away and stomped on. I hate being so afraid. I wish I was like I used to be, giving my heart freely but times have changed. I'm older, I have been through 2 heartbreaks (major ones) and I have 2 little boys who are confused as hell because of all of it.

He (we'll call him B) doesn't know how serious K and I were. He doesn't know that we were going to get married. He does know I was living with him but he doesn't know the rest. I'm guessing he can assume but he doesn't know for sure.

Part of me wants to believe him and wants to believe it when he says he really likes me but the other part is going "yeah right." In my head I'm thinking why me? Why am I this lucky? I told him he just has to let me take it the way I want to and I'll be okay.

I guess we'll see what happens, right?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I don't get it

A while ago (when I was first married) I told my cousin that I was so happy I would never have to worry about dating again. Yeah look at me again. What the hell, I hate it. I really really do.

Things with Kasey are done. He stopped calling me for some reason and so I just said screw it. I'm done. If he wants to play these games, then I'm done. I have enough shit going on in my life, I don't need some immature games because he's pissed that I didn't answer my phone when he called.

I went on a date last night and I had a really good time but I hate the doubts. The "what if he doesn't like me" doubts or the "what if he doesn't like what I look like" doubts or the "what if it's just me feeling like we're having a good time and he's just being nice" doubts. I hate it. I hate doubting stuff. I hate the unknown.

Everything is so unsettled in my life right now and I hate it. I am scared out of my mind for Ray (he has cysts in his sinuses and we're going to a neurologist next week), I'm scared out of my mind about school and god things with Dad are making me uneasy.

He's dating this new girl who is 34 (yes 9 years older than me) and she has an 11 year old and a 12 year old. Apparently he's serious about it and they've been talking about buying a house. Well her daughter told me and Britt that it's a 5 bedroom house. Guess what? We all don't fit into a 5 bedroom house. We need at least 7 bedrooms to fit everyone and we are not moving south of the city.

I just wish life was normal and easy but that wouldn't be my life. So here I sit, crying because I just am so blah, and wanting to just sleep the day away.