Family

I've been feeling very disconnected from life lately. When I'm in school, I don't really talk to anyone, I just keep to myself. When I'm at home, I don't really talk to anyone, I just keep to myself. I don't know why this is. I don't like it and I want it to stop.

Actually, I do know why. Things here have been really bad; very stressful. My sister has a boyfriend and I am trying to get along with him for her sake. I try to be nice but he doesn't deserve it. He's a jerk and immature. He reminds me of my ex-husband and I can't handle it. I can't handle how he treats her, and treats everyone else in this house. I feel like we all are walking on egg shells around him for fear of pissing him off.

You know what? I'm tired of keeping the peace. I'm tired of caring what other people think about my fiance. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of worrying that someone will run to my mom and her side of the family and talk crap. I don't care anymore.

I am pissed that I'm having to change who I am. I'm a caring, loving person, and I just can't do it all anymore. I'm not supermom; I'm not superwoman. I'm just a normal mom who wants the best for her kids and her family. I guess I need to start thinking about my family as my immediate worry, and not anyone else. They come second to K and the boys.

I think we're going to have a family meeting about respect because there is none in this house. People are mean and rude and nobody cares. Nobody cares that people are sleeping or that there are kids around. Nobody cares unless it directly affects them. They're about to see the bitch in me come out and I don't know if anyone will like it. Do I care if they like it? Nope, not really.

Haven't Blooged in a While

I had someone reading my blog who I really didn't want to know anything about my life. I felt like I couldn't be myself and so I just kind of shut down on here. It sucks that I felt like that, because it's MY blog, but it happened.

Anyways, I'm back now. I've been insanely busy but it's all been worth it. I'm planning a wedding, going to school and dealing with my 2 children. They're growing leaps and bounds and pure boys. R broke his arm when he fell off of a slide at daycare. When they called me to tell me that he fell, they said he was fine so I didn't rush over there. When I got there, he got worse as he was waiting and he couldn't walk or move at all. I felt horrible but I can't change what happened. I rushed him to the ER where they did X-Rays, etc and splinted his arm. We saw the orthopedic doctor the next day where he put a Cammo cast on R. He thinks it is the coolest cast ever, and I agree. :) It fits his personality but both of us can't wait for it to be off. Another week to go on that! Woohoo!!

School is school. It sucks. A lot. I'm ready to be done with it. I feel completely overwhelmed. I'm at the point again where I want to just get a job and work instead of go to school. I don't know why I get feeling like this. It sucks! I feel like I have so much on my plate but I can't give anything up. The only thing that I can remotely think about taking a break from is school, but even that won't work. I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

That's my short update. I'm ready to go to bed.

Boys Poem

A friend sent this poem to me, and it brought a smile to my face, as well as some tears to my eyes. I hope y'all enjoy it.

Little Boys

Submitted by: Kahtain

Author: Unknown

Little boys come in all shapes and sizes,
Shy and adventurous, full of surprises,
With misshapen halos and mischievous grins,
Small dirty faces, and sweet, sticky chins.

They'll keep you so busy, and yet all the while
Nothing can brighten the world like their smile.
And no greater treasure has brought homes more joy
Than a curious, active, and lovable boy!

Boys

I never thought I'd be a mom to 2 boys. I never thought I'd be up to my eyeballs in Transformers, trucks, balls, blue, blue, blue, blue. I never thought that me, the girly-girl, would have 2 boys, and LOVE it.

I love my boys. I love them with every fiber of my being. I love them and couldn't ask for anything different. I love knowing that my boys are going to grow up and be nice, respectful men because of how I'm raising them.

I am responsible for shaping them, and they're going to be wonderful men. I don't think there's a bigger compliment than knowing that.

Ex-H

So I stayed up late last night talking to Grandma (Ex-h's) about Ex and all of the problems we had. She said that she talked to him for a few hours that night and he was complaining that he was tired of everyone talking crap about him. He just wants people to cut him a break and to see that he's trying to do the right thing. He said that he can barely afford to feed himself, let alone take care of his kids, and he knows that "Daddy Warbucks" (my Dad) will make sure that they're taken care of so he's not worried about it. He also made the comment that he knows that the birthday presents he sent Ray aren't as good as the ones that "rich folks" can give him and he's just sure that they're destroyed in pieces somewhere. He doesn't realize that R loved the Transformers more than he loved everything else. He doesn't realize the joy that R got knowing that his presents were from his Daddy.

I am sick.to.death. of this "woe is me" bullcrap. I am sick of him calling us rich and calling my Dad "Daddy Warbucks". I am sick of him always being the victim. I'm just sick of it. He says he's not involved in the boys' lives because he wants to be able to actually do something with them and not just sit around and watch them play. He wants to be the "superhero" who always does fun stuff and wants nothing to do with the day to day bullshit of life. He thinks that he'll be able to just swoop in here, when he has money, and be the fun one, but it's almost too late.

So, do I call him out on him talking crap about my family? Or do I just keep quiet about it? He's never going to change, and he's always going to think this way, so part of me thinks that he just needs to be left alone. The other part of me, the part who is VERY protective over my family, and my father, thinks that he needs an ass chewing. The part of me who has dealt with this crap for the past however long is tired of him always talking crap about us, and wants to stop it. Then I stop to think: "What good will this do?" Sadly, the answer is "nothing." Me chewing him out will do absolutely nothing. It will let him know that Grandma told me everything, and that's about it.

So I guess I sit here, and try to not let him get to me. Right now, it's not about me, but about my family. He's a sorry SOB who needs to learn.

Help

I can't handle doing it all on my own anymore. I need help. I can't be perfect, and I need help.

I'm tired of doing it all. I'm tired of being the only one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, dishes, etc etc. I am tired of people looking at me to do everything. I'm tired of doing it all on my own shoulders. I can't do it anymore. I'm angry that I have to do it all on my own, and I'm angry that nobody notices. I hate snapping at my kids. I hate being mad at them for being kids. I hate being on edge. I need help.

I want to run away, with the kids, and never come back. At least I want the kids with me, right? It's not them. They are fine. It's everything else. I just can't do it anymore. Something has to change, but I don't know what will. Nothing will ever change and I will continue to do it all because nobody else will.

Z is crying for me and R is tattling, and I just want to cover my ears and make it all go away.

Anger and Frustration

Things have been rough here, for me. Not that things are bad, but my attitude has been horrible. I'm ashamed to admit how short my fuse has been lately, and how quick I am to blow up. I feel frustration that I can't have 2 seconds to myself. I feel frustration that Zachary gets into everything, and wants to nurse when he's bored. I hate it, and I'm mad at myself for allowing this to happen. Logically, I know why the boys are going crazy. They're bored; they don't feel well; they're recovering. I know this but it's been difficult for me to control my fuse long enough to remember it. It's just a downward spiral as I dwell on my attitude, and ask how I can fix it (within myself). I started reading The Pocket Parent today and so far I like it. I've only read a few chapters (as I was waiting in line for Ray to get out of school), and it talks about how to control your own attitude and calm down enough to know when to walk away. I haven't gotten past 43 pages, but I like it so far.

I have been resting in bed all evening, so I decided to get up and check Ray's backpack for school tomorrow. His teacher sends home folders every Tuesday with work they did in class, and a sheet that has comments on there. Ray's teacher is absolutely awesome, and just what he needs. She never has anything harsh to say about any of the children. This week the message she sent was "Ray is doing very well in pre-k and is very ready for Kindergarten next year." Hearing his teacher confirm my thoughts made me feel a million times better. He is reading small words, writing words from memory, spelling everything. He is growing up in front of my eyes. Then I looked in his folder and saw his Mother's Day presents he made in school. They did handprints (which made me tear up) and then they did a Best Mom Certificate. He told his teacher what color hair I have, my eye color, age, height (26 tall) and weight (20 lbs). Then he answered some questions. One of the blanks was "Mommy looks the prettiest when..." and he wrote "she is going to school." The next one was about spending time with mommy and he said "lay in bed with her." Reading that made every bit of frustration and anger fall out of me, and I started to cry. Reading that helped to reconfirm that what I'm doing for Ray is the right thing. He's a sensitive boy and needs time with me (like every child). He needs his Mommy and that's okay. He'll be out of my bed eventually. They are only small for such a short period of time, so whatever I can do for him now I will do to ensure he knows that I'm there for him. Life may be tough, and the choices that I've made maybe haven't been the best ones, but they have led me to where I am today, and for that I am grateful.

I have to remind myself that we've been through a heck of a lot these past few weeks. Finals, then the boys had surgery, then recovering from the surgery (and me almost passing out several times), and now I'm just exhausted. When I'm tired, it makes me crabby, and then I lose my temper.

I think I just need to remind myself sometimes that I am human, and I'm not superwoman. I will make mistakes, and how I learn from my mistakes makes me the woman that I am.