Saturday, February 28, 2009

Life Changes

Before R was born, I had no idea about different types of parenting, and how I would be as a parent. I saw what other people were doing and just shrugged and said "hey it's your choice" but I had no idea how that would mold me. When R was born, I didn't want to let him go. I wanted him to be with me at all times. I wanted him on me, so I could feel him breathe and be with him. I wanted to nurse him, and be the reason why he was thriving. I didn't want him to cry, if I could help it. As he got older and wasn't sleeping through the night, people would tell me to let him CIO and I wouldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I didn't have any reason why other than "it just feels wrong for me to let my child cry, needing me, wanting me." My Ex didn't care what happened as long as he wasn't woken up through the night and R wasn't in bed with us. I had a glider/ottoman combo that I slept in, many nights, with R just waiting for Ex to go to work so we could move to the bed. Ex never did get ok with co-sleeping, and many nights I would spend out of the bed, in a glider with R so he would sleep. It's sad, but I looked forward to the times that he would go out to sea, so I could have the bed to myself with R, and not panic about Ex walking in the house and finding me in bed with R. Looking back, I wonder why I was so afraid of him, but that's a different thing for a different time. With R I learned what love really was. I learned how it felt to have this child, this part of you, outside, and needing you. I felt this stronger than ever feeling of needing to protect. I learned how to be strong, grow a backbone, and stand up for what and who I believe in. I fought against Ex, and as time grew on, I grew apart from him because of our differences in parenting. I honestly didn't care that I was the one doing everything, because then I knew it was being done the right way. He could do whatever he wanted, as long as I had R, I was okay. Sad, isn't it? We probably shouldn't have had Z, but I will never regret it, ever. These boys have made me who I am today, and I will forever be changed because of them. I actually am thankful to Ex for helping me create these 2 beautiful boys, and I suppose indirectly for making me strong enough to be who I am today. Because of the divorce, I am a strong woman who can handle being a single mom, going to school full time. Because of Ex, I am strong enough to stand behind my parenting decisions and not change or give in because of some pressure from outside sources. I am who I am. I parent how I parent and nothing is going to change that.

Monday, February 9, 2009


I don't know if this will actually get published or if it will make any sense but I just need to vent.

I'm in a horrible mood and have been for a while. My hormones are all jacked up; my body is all jacked up; I'm stressed; I'm not sleeping well and I know I'm not eating well. Combine those all together and it makes a very unhappy me. To top it off, I'm tired of living at home.

I love being here. I love being close to my family and I love being able to spend time with them but I am ready to be out on my own. I'm tired of being here and not having my own space. I'm tired of my shit being used. I'm tired of not being able to use the bathroom when I want to. I'm tired of having to cook for a ton of people. I'm tired of my kids being looked at as a pain in the ass because they're being kids. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of other people trying to tell my kids how to behave. I'm tired. I'm just tired.

I don't know how to fix this, either. It's not like I can go out and get a job and go to school and be a single mom. Yeah, I can't do that. I know that living at home is a temporary thing but at the same time, I've been here for 2 freaking years, and I'm ready to be on my own.

Okay, another tangent to vent about. I have no friends here. I have friends, and I love every single one of them, but I have no friends here. My boyfriend lives 2 freaking states away, my best friend lives on the other side of the county. I am tired of having the people close to me not be the people I want to be close to me. I am tired of being alone in a house full of people.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I am damn ready to be feeling better. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm ready to be back me.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Bragging On Myself

I had a pretty hellacious week this past week. I had a psych test on Monday, Spanish quiz Monday, Anatomy Practical Wednesday, and then an Anatomy quiz and test Thursday. I got my grades back for everything but the last quiz and test.

Psychology Test- 97
Spanish Quiz- 98
Anatomy Practical- 80 (pretty damn good that I passed considering most of the class failed)

Then today I got a letter in the mail. I made Dean's List last semester. It just hit me that I'm really doing it. :) I'm doing the full time student, single mom, having a life thing. Yeah it's hard and yeah sometimes I want to pull my hair out but I'm doing it. :) :)