Sunday, July 27, 2008

Extended Nursing

I have been receiving comments about when I am going to wean Zach and after reading Casey's blog ( about extended nursing I decided to put my own reasons down. Thanks Casey. :)

R nursed for 2 years and 1 month. The only reason he weaned was because I had to get my wisdom teeth removed and I couldn't nurse him and keep up enough strength for myself. He was okay with it and hasn't missed it. He's never asked questions, he's never asked to nurse. It was time for both of us. With R I did get some comments but never many because I wasn't at home and around people. Ex did make comments so I just chose to not nurse around him. He knew I was still nursing but as long as he didn't have to see it, he was okay with it.

Z has been a booby baby from the get go. He has nursed on demand his entire life. In the beginning we had so many problems that I almost gave up. We developed thrush ( ) and because of thrush I had horrible holes in my nipples. I had cracked, bleeding nipples, thrush, an over active let down ( ) , a milk sensitive baby, the problems kept coming and coming. I almost gave up because I was in so much pain but I knew I loved nursing too much to give up. Once 6 weeks hit, life got better. Things finally clicked. I started block nursing to help combat the overactive letdown, thrush finally went away and our nursing relationship really began.

I was in no rush to begin solids with Z because I knew that he was getting everything he needed from nursing. When he did start them, nursing didn't decrease, in fact I think it increased some days. He loves to nurse. He loves the comfort.

So here we are, 1 year and still nursing strong. Starting school is going to put up another road block in our nursing relationship but I'm going to keep doing it. I will pump during the day if I need to and then let him nurse away at night.

Extended nursing is not for everyone. I respect that so all I ask in return is that you respect my decision to continue our nursing relationship.

Here are some wonderful resources for you to read, if you so choose, about extended nursing and the benefits.;115/2/496

Pediatricians and parents should be aware that exclusive breastfeeding is sufficient to support optimal growth and development for approximately the first 6 months of life{ddagger} and provides continuing protection against diarrhea and respiratory tract infection.30,34,128,178184 Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child.185

Some Good News

Things haven't been good around here. My mom is still full of problems and I just can't deal with it anymore. Last night she put me and my children in harm's way and I'm done. Until she can decide to be an adult and take care of herself, I can't do it anymore. I will talk to her, I will see her sometimes but that's about it.

So here's the good news. I'm going back to school August 25th. I'm not just doing business or something like that, I'm doing nursing. I know it's going to be difficult but for the first time I know what I want to major in and I know I'm doing the right thing.

So that's my update. :)

Friday, July 18, 2008

And once again my no good very bad day

Things just don't seem to be getting better. We were having a good day and we get a call from my Grandma. Mom's dog died. Mom's dog dying means mom gets depressed and that means mom has to go to the hospital. Guess who took her? Me and Britt. *sigh*

I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I can't deal with anything else bad happening.

Tomorrow is Z's birthday party. I have to wake up at 7 am in order to get everything done that we couldn't get done today.

Good night. I hope tomorrow is tons better.

My No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day

I hate bitching and complaining but my day sucked ass. It was really horrible.

It started out this morning with this horrible dream where someone was trying to steal Zachary and me. I woke up crying and freaking out because Zach wasn't in bed with me. He was in the living room eating donuts with Kasey and Ray but it still freaked me out. Ray had a donut for breakfast so of course he was bouncing off of the walls because of the sugar, well that and he knew we were going to Papa's.

So he's in the fridge trying to get a cheese stick and he knocks the tea out of the fridge all over the ground. I was so pissed but mainly at myself because I didn't help him. I sent him to his room while I cleaned so he could keep Zach out of the way and I told him he needed to clean his room. He came back at me yelling and screaming that he didn't want to clean his room. No I didn't respond the way I really wanted to but shit happens. I yelled back and sent him back in there.

Kasey comes home, we get ready to leave to go to Dad's and I am just in a horrible mood. We're driving, almost halfway to Dad's and the front left tire blows out on me. I allow myself a few minutes to cry and then we get somewhat off of the freeway so Kasey can start changing the tire. He gets the car lifted up, the tire almost off and the car falls off of the jack. Yes seriously that happens. The boys and I are in the car and the car falls off of the jack. I can't do anything but sit there in shock, Kasey is in shock sitting on the ground next to the car. We both look at each other like "Well shit..." We are trying to figure out who to call to bring us another jack when a tow truck pulls up. The city hires some tow trucks to tow motorists to safety so they're not on the freeway. That was awesome, except for the fact that the car is resting on the rotor and the boys and I are still in the car. We're in the car while he's pulling the car up onto the flat bed of the truck, as he's driving across two lanes of feeder traffic to a parking lot. It wasn't just a normal parking was a parking lot for an Adult/Erotica Store. Yeah that's great. Ray was like "Mommy, what buildin' is that?" My answer was "Umm...a not good place."

So we make it to Dad's house all in one piece and my sis and I start running errands. We get almost done and we're having a great time when she gets a phone call from my grandma. Apparently my mom has bruises all over her face from her boyfriend. To make it all even better, her cat died tonight too. So now my sis and I are worried about Mom and trying to figure out how to get her over to Grandma's.

Mom is at Grandma's, my sis is at the movies with her friends, and both of my boys are sleeping. I am no longer wanting to chop my boobs off and just hand them to Zach, and I have been doing some online browsing.

So that's my no good horrible very bad day. I sure hope we don't get to play that game again.

Peace, love and Starbucks....oh yeah I had Starbucks tonight so I am bouncing off of the walls. I need to go to bed soon.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

It's My Life

I feel like I have been saying that ever since I started having my own opinion, something different than other people I grew up around. It's my Life. Mine. People may not agree with my choices but they are mine to make. If I make mistakes they are mine and nobody else's. If I make a mistake yeah it will suck but I'll learn from it and move on. Isn't that what life is about? Taking chances and either fall flat on your ass or have it work?

Some may look at my marriage as a failure because we divorced. Yes in that aspect we failed but damn it I didn't fail completely. I have 2 wonderfully handsome little boys who are happy. They smile and laugh all of the time. They are well taken care of and loved more than I knew I was capable of. I never knew I was able to love as deep and pure as I love my boys. So see...I didn't fail. I didn't make a mistake by marrying him.

So now I get another chance to love. Let me make that decision please. This is my life and I am not going to sit by and watch it pass me by. I am going to grasp for the ring and if I miss, at least I know I tried. If I miss, I will brush myself off and climb back on. That's how I work. I get up and try again.

Let me do it. Let me try. I deserve this chance so keep all negativity to yourself.

Let me go...

Saturday, July 12, 2008


I've been suffering from depression on and off my entire life. Sounds dramatic I know but I remember being in 5th grade and crying for no reason. Then in 6th grade was when I went on an anti-depressant for the first time. I know you're thinking "holy cow 6th grade, what does a 6th grader have to be depressed about?" It's heredity for me. My mom is severely bipolar and so not only have I been dealing with my own life growing up, I've been dealing with her. Many times I was the parent instead of her.

Looking back to after I had Ray, I was suffering from PPD but didn't know it. I never had the not wanting to bond with him, but the not wanting to shower, just wanting to hold him for fear of something happening to him thing. With Zach, I knew my circumstances were different and a lot harder so I pretty much was going to have PPD no matter what. I got anti depressants after I had him and they worked and then I started feeling better. Yes, I made a huge mistake by going off of them, but I did. *slaps hand*

Now I feel fine but have days of depression. I don't feel suicidal or anything, nor have I ever felt suicidal, I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone but my family. I don't want to go anywhere but with my family. It's affecting my friendships. I don't know what to do. I don't get dressed some days. I'm serious when I say I don't want to do anything.

I haven't found an antidepressant that I really like. I was on Celexa b/c it's approved for breastfeeding and I had emotions on that one. When I was on Zoloft I was a zombie and I hated that. I guess I could try Celexa again, it's just finding a doctor I can use on my insurance.

So that's my story...well the condensed version of it. Oh I should say that a reason why I don't want to stay on medication for an extended period of time is because I am TERRIFIED of winding up like my mother. I've never known a functioning bipolar person (until recently) and it scares me. I am scared that by admitting I suffer from depression, it will turn into bipolar.

I don't really have anxiety. It's just the whole "I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, see anyone" thing. I also have to wonder if my avoidance of "friends" has to do with depression or how they make me feel when I'm with them. I've entered this self preservation mode. If it's not good for me or for my boys then I won't do it. I can't handle it anymore. I know I haven't worked through everything from the divorce. My mode of coping was stay so busy I don't think about it. Healthy huh?

I sometimes go to his myspace page and look. I don't know why. It's not like I want him back because I don't. I don't even know why I go there but I do and it hurts. Not her with him but the fact that he hurt me. He promised to love and cherish me for the rest of his life and I believed that. I trusted him. I wonder if I'll ever learn to trust fully again.

I trust K more than I realize. I trust him enough to be able to blow up at him and say how I really feel and know that he won't get pissed off at me and leave. I trust him enough to take care of my children. trust him enough to let him in to see me, the me I really am. I am still scared that he'll do the same thing Ex did and that's decide he doesn't want to do it all anymore and he'll leave. I know he's not Ex but it still scares me. Maybe that's why I'm so focused on finding a job. That way if he does leave, I know I'll be able to take care of my boys without relying on anyone else. That's not a healthy way to think, is it? If he was going to leave, I think he would have left a long time ago. My life isn't exactly drama free and he just takes it all in stride.

When am I going to learn that it's okay to trust? Will it ever happen again?

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Oh good Lord I am bored out of my mind.

I cleaned a nasty bathroom today. It needed to be done but it sucks when it's not my shit (lol). I haven't used it that often and yet I still ended up cleaning it. Oh well. Dad appreciated it. I just hope the other 2 do as well.

I have been having a hard time lately. I don't feel as if I fit in anywhere. I don't have many IRL friends and when I do see them, I feel as if there's this weird impasse between us. We have nothing really to talk about and there are strained weird silences. It sucks. A lot.

I've been filling out job applications and submitting resumes because I'm ready to get back into the work force. One job that I sent my resume to was in Dallas. It is 4 hours away from here and I'd be completely on my own but maybe that's what I need? I haven't heard back from them and I'm not really expecting to hear back from them but it got me thinking.

Houston is my home but I've never really liked living here. I was so glad to move away and experience different things. Maybe I just have the Military itch. That itch you get after being in one place for too long. The itch that lets you know it's almost time to switch duty stations. Too bad I'm not a military wifey anymore.

Saturday, July 5, 2008's been a Long Time

I haven't even been blogging on myspace. I just don't have the time for it right now.

Z is walking and getting into everything. R has hit the 4 year old I'm better than everyone stuff and it's driving me crazy. I know it's part of being a mom but man it sucks sometimes. I hate having to be the bad guy but I know it's better that I do it now rather than have him be a shitty ass teenager.

I don't have internet at my house yet and it's driving me crazy. I can't wait until we get the internet. I miss talking to all of my friends online. It's sad but my best friends are online.

Ex got married to the girl from Guam. Why you ask? I don't know. I don't think he loves her. I don't think he's capable of loving anyone but himself. He thinks he loves R but he doesn't. If he did, then he wouldn't not pay child support.

This whole divorce thing has really screwed with my head. I wish I wouldn't have found out about him cheating on me because now I'm terrified that it will happen again. I trust K and I know he wouldn't but it still...I don't know, scares me?

K has a family that has adopted him since he was younger. They live a few minutes away and they're all super nice. I get along with them or at least I thought I did. Ms. D is the mom and she is very strict with the grandkids and I don't agree with it. I never told anyone but K that I don't agree with it and now he thinks I don't like her. I do like her as a person. She is a very sweet, caring, generous person, she really is. And being strict on kids is okay but in MY opinion the way she's doing stuff isn't the way I'd do stuff. And I know the way I do stuff isn't the way she'd do it. That's okay, we can differ on things, especially when it comes to parenting. It just makes my time over there very uncomfortable because I know she's looking at me wondering why I've never left Zach and why he's still breastfed and why when he cries, I pick him up. That's just how I am and how I'll always be. I'm going back to work at some point and I considered asking her to watch the boys on top of the other kids she watches but I don't want her to anymore. I'd rather pay for daycare. How bad is that?

I know this update is more of a vent but I had to get it out. I'm still breastfeeding, Zach is still cloth diapering and we're all happy.

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July!