Thursday, January 28, 2010

Possibly a Girl...scared.

I've decided that this is going to be my therapy post.

Last night I was laying in bed, trying to decide if I should go see a therapist or not. Then I started thinking about what I should say to this guy, and then I figured it would be a blog post.

"Hi my name is A, and I am 13 weeks pregnant. I think I'm having a girl and the thought of having a girl scares the shit out of me. Oh sorry, I didn't mean to use that language. I'll watch it from now on." (Therapist nods and motions for me to continue on.)

"So, you see, I've never had real relationships with women. My mom has severe bipolar and was never around. She always let me down, and even to this day continues to let me down. I've never had any real girl friends, and have always gotten along with guys better. Growing up, I made friends, whom I thought were real friends, but all were gossiping backstabbers. I thought that was what a real friendship was, so I put up with it. I thought that was what I deserved. I found out recently that 2 people whom I was really close with were really keeping this huge secret behind my back. I was crushed when I found out, and truthfully it's ruined both relationships for me. If I can't trust people, then why keep them in my life, right? What's this huge secret you ask? Well, see, I found out that my sister wanted to take my children away from me, and that she conferred with my best friend at the time about it. That said best friend then kept this huge secret from me. It wasn't just my sister in on it, but my mother as well. How's that for a wonderful circle?

My relationship with this friend was struggling for a lot of reasons, partly because I figured out it was a one-sided relationship. I was tired of being the one to put everything in and get nothing in return. I was tired of it. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I needed to end it. I needed to get out of the toxicity that my high school friendships were. I am an adult. I need to move past high school and find real friends, not fake ones. I do have a few real friends, and those who I do have are my saviors right now. The part that sucks is that they're so far away, but they're always here no matter what.

I told you all of this as um, I guess a background? Why am I scared to have a girl? I don't want her to suffer like I did. I don't want her to be picked on because of her weight, or her looks. I don't want her to have fake friends her entire life and think that is what friendships should be. I want her to be able to trust other women and not think/expect the best. I don't want her to ever want for a better mother like I did. I want to be that better mother, and I want to be a support system for her, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I never had it, that I won't know how to be that person for her. I want her to be everything that I'm not. I want her to be confident and outgoing. I want her to be comfortable in who she is.

So here's my question for you. How do I do this? How do I be the mom that she needs? How do I overcome this fear and accept this fate?"

By this time I'll probably be crying my eyes out, but the questions are serious. How? How do I do this?