Depression

I've been suffering from depression on and off my entire life. Sounds dramatic I know but I remember being in 5th grade and crying for no reason. Then in 6th grade was when I went on an anti-depressant for the first time. I know you're thinking "holy cow 6th grade, what does a 6th grader have to be depressed about?" It's heredity for me. My mom is severely bipolar and so not only have I been dealing with my own life growing up, I've been dealing with her. Many times I was the parent instead of her.

Looking back to after I had Ray, I was suffering from PPD but didn't know it. I never had the not wanting to bond with him, but the not wanting to shower, just wanting to hold him for fear of something happening to him thing. With Zach, I knew my circumstances were different and a lot harder so I pretty much was going to have PPD no matter what. I got anti depressants after I had him and they worked and then I started feeling better. Yes, I made a huge mistake by going off of them, but I did. *slaps hand*

Now I feel fine but have days of depression. I don't feel suicidal or anything, nor have I ever felt suicidal, I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone but my family. I don't want to go anywhere but with my family. It's affecting my friendships. I don't know what to do. I don't get dressed some days. I'm serious when I say I don't want to do anything.

I haven't found an antidepressant that I really like. I was on Celexa b/c it's approved for breastfeeding and I had emotions on that one. When I was on Zoloft I was a zombie and I hated that. I guess I could try Celexa again, it's just finding a doctor I can use on my insurance.

So that's my story...well the condensed version of it. Oh I should say that a reason why I don't want to stay on medication for an extended period of time is because I am TERRIFIED of winding up like my mother. I've never known a functioning bipolar person (until recently) and it scares me. I am scared that by admitting I suffer from depression, it will turn into bipolar.

I don't really have anxiety. It's just the whole "I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, see anyone" thing. I also have to wonder if my avoidance of "friends" has to do with depression or how they make me feel when I'm with them. I've entered this self preservation mode. If it's not good for me or for my boys then I won't do it. I can't handle it anymore. I know I haven't worked through everything from the divorce. My mode of coping was stay so busy I don't think about it. Healthy huh?

I sometimes go to his myspace page and look. I don't know why. It's not like I want him back because I don't. I don't even know why I go there but I do and it hurts. Not her with him but the fact that he hurt me. He promised to love and cherish me for the rest of his life and I believed that. I trusted him. I wonder if I'll ever learn to trust fully again.

I trust K more than I realize. I trust him enough to be able to blow up at him and say how I really feel and know that he won't get pissed off at me and leave. I trust him enough to take care of my children. trust him enough to let him in to see me, the me I really am. I am still scared that he'll do the same thing Ex did and that's decide he doesn't want to do it all anymore and he'll leave. I know he's not Ex but it still scares me. Maybe that's why I'm so focused on finding a job. That way if he does leave, I know I'll be able to take care of my boys without relying on anyone else. That's not a healthy way to think, is it? If he was going to leave, I think he would have left a long time ago. My life isn't exactly drama free and he just takes it all in stride.

When am I going to learn that it's okay to trust? Will it ever happen again?

Bored

Oh good Lord I am bored out of my mind.

I cleaned a nasty bathroom today. It needed to be done but it sucks when it's not my shit (lol). I haven't used it that often and yet I still ended up cleaning it. Oh well. Dad appreciated it. I just hope the other 2 do as well.

I have been having a hard time lately. I don't feel as if I fit in anywhere. I don't have many IRL friends and when I do see them, I feel as if there's this weird impasse between us. We have nothing really to talk about and there are strained weird silences. It sucks. A lot.

I've been filling out job applications and submitting resumes because I'm ready to get back into the work force. One job that I sent my resume to was in Dallas. It is 4 hours away from here and I'd be completely on my own but maybe that's what I need? I haven't heard back from them and I'm not really expecting to hear back from them but it got me thinking.

Houston is my home but I've never really liked living here. I was so glad to move away and experience different things. Maybe I just have the Military itch. That itch you get after being in one place for too long. The itch that lets you know it's almost time to switch duty stations. Too bad I'm not a military wifey anymore.

Wow...it's been a Long Time

I haven't even been blogging on myspace. I just don't have the time for it right now.

Z is walking and getting into everything. R has hit the 4 year old I'm better than everyone stuff and it's driving me crazy. I know it's part of being a mom but man it sucks sometimes. I hate having to be the bad guy but I know it's better that I do it now rather than have him be a shitty ass teenager.

I don't have internet at my house yet and it's driving me crazy. I can't wait until we get the internet. I miss talking to all of my friends online. It's sad but my best friends are online.

Ex got married to the girl from Guam. Why you ask? I don't know. I don't think he loves her. I don't think he's capable of loving anyone but himself. He thinks he loves R but he doesn't. If he did, then he wouldn't not pay child support.

This whole divorce thing has really screwed with my head. I wish I wouldn't have found out about him cheating on me because now I'm terrified that it will happen again. I trust K and I know he wouldn't but it still...I don't know, scares me?

K has a family that has adopted him since he was younger. They live a few minutes away and they're all super nice. I get along with them or at least I thought I did. Ms. D is the mom and she is very strict with the grandkids and I don't agree with it. I never told anyone but K that I don't agree with it and now he thinks I don't like her. I do like her as a person. She is a very sweet, caring, generous person, she really is. And being strict on kids is okay but in MY opinion the way she's doing stuff isn't the way I'd do stuff. And I know the way I do stuff isn't the way she'd do it. That's okay, we can differ on things, especially when it comes to parenting. It just makes my time over there very uncomfortable because I know she's looking at me wondering why I've never left Zach and why he's still breastfed and why when he cries, I pick him up. That's just how I am and how I'll always be. I'm going back to work at some point and I considered asking her to watch the boys on top of the other kids she watches but I don't want her to anymore. I'd rather pay for daycare. How bad is that?

I know this update is more of a vent but I had to get it out. I'm still breastfeeding, Zach is still cloth diapering and we're all happy.

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July!

Opinions Are Like Buttholes, Everyone has one and They Stink

Sometimes I get so fed up with people who think that their opinions are the only opinions that matter. I am also fed up with people who hear other opinions and get mad about opposing opinions. Why does it matter if someone else has a different opinion, that's what makes people so special. Ugh! People really need to grow up.

We went to a wedding this weekend. It wasn't just any wedding, it was my best friend's wedding. We've been best friends since we were 12 (her) and 11 (me) so it's been a long time. We've been through boyfriends, friends, school, everything and now she's married with a baby on the way. I couldn't be happier for her. She deserves this more than anyone else I know.

While at the wedding, it really gave me weddingitis. I know we're not getting married yet for practical reasons but another part of me says screw those practical reasons, we'll make it work. I'll get a job, something. I don't know what's going to happen but something will, someday. We were talking about weddings yesterday which made me feel good so we'll see what happens.

For now...I'm being responsible and providing for my kids.

I'm Ready

Right now we're renting a house pretty far away from everyone. It's a nice house in the country but...it's pretty far away from everyone. Kasey has to drive an hour to get to work, I have to drive an hour to get to Ray's school and to my family's house. It's just not practical to live out there so we want to move closer. Renting houses out here is crazy, it just doesn't happen unless you have tons of money.

I found a house that I want. It's a foreclosure so who knows what kind of condition it's in but it's 4 bedroom 2.5 bath and 2 stories. I really want this house but I know the market sucks right now for buying houses. The one thing going for us is the VA loan. *sigh*

Please cross your fingers, say prayers something that this works out because I really want my own house. It's time to grow up and be an adult.

Random Ramblings

Sorry it's been so long. I'm really going to try to blog at least once or twice a week.

Here are some questions for the night. Why do people get married? Why do people stay married even when they're not happy? Do you really think that people who get married at 19, 20 will stay married forever? Why does society these days make divorce as acceptable as it is?

Yeah I know these are deep thoughts and focused on marriage but someone asked me the question "Why do people get married" and the best answer I had was "Because they love each other." How's that for a deep response? Seriously though...why is marriage so important? If you love each other and have a commitment to each other, why is that certain piece of paper so important?

I know why. There's just something special about saying "my husband" or "my wife". There's something sacred about the love between two people who really love each other. There's something awesome about the feeling of pure contentment, knowing that this person loves you enough to want to be with you for the rest of his life.

I know I love K. I know that I can live without him but the main thing is that I don't want to live without him. I don't like being away from him. I don't want him to work over nights and off shore or go on deployments. It's not okay for me. I put up with being a military wife for almost 5 years and I won't do it again. I won't be a single married mom again.

I know K loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I just think we're both shy. We're both scared that things could go wrong but sometimes in life you can't shy away. You can't be afraid, you have to take chances so maybe soon we'll both jump.

It's been a while...

I apologize for how long it's been since I've updated. I have no excuse other than the fact that I have two kids, a boyfriend, 4 dogs, some random family and some really good friends.

Here's a really quick update from November 15th until now. Thanksgiving was okay, Christmas was horrible, New Years was good and my birthday was good. :)

Z has been fighting RSV since December 19th and it's been horrible. He's been so sick and I can't do anything about it except to nurse him, cuddle him and hug him. I hate him being sick. I hate going to the doctor every week or two because he's just not getting better. The good news is that the cough is gone so he's not hacking anymore. He's still congested (but who in Houston isn't), he has a small cough (once again, who in Houston doesn't) and because of this congestion, he has double ear infections now. Yeah craptastic isn't it? I was so upset with everything when I left the doctor's office on Wednesday. Why can't I keep my child well? What is so hard about keeping a breastfed baby well? Ugh!

R has entered a very ornery stage and it tests me every day. He has taken to making up stories and lying. I know he's just using his imagination and testing his limits but man does it frustrate me. I know a lot of it is with Z being as sick as he's been, R's getting almost no mommy time and he needs it. I made a point to spend some time with him today and he seems to be doing better so I hope that if we continue to spend more time together, he'll keep doing as well as he's been doing today.

I'm almost moved into K's house. I'm at Dad's house right now and it seems like no matter what I do, I can't make anyone happy here. A (dad's g/f) and B seem so mad at me no matter what I do. I didn't even do anything last night and they were acting weird towards me. People at dinner (who aren't around all of the time) didn't notice it but K did and asked me about it. At dinner, I wanted R to sit next to me and B said "No he's next to me!" and then when I went down there to see R, she got this smirk or something on her face. I don't get it. I just don't belong here anymore. Sometimes I feel as if I don't belong anywhere.