Saturday, July 12, 2008


I've been suffering from depression on and off my entire life. Sounds dramatic I know but I remember being in 5th grade and crying for no reason. Then in 6th grade was when I went on an anti-depressant for the first time. I know you're thinking "holy cow 6th grade, what does a 6th grader have to be depressed about?" It's heredity for me. My mom is severely bipolar and so not only have I been dealing with my own life growing up, I've been dealing with her. Many times I was the parent instead of her.

Looking back to after I had Ray, I was suffering from PPD but didn't know it. I never had the not wanting to bond with him, but the not wanting to shower, just wanting to hold him for fear of something happening to him thing. With Zach, I knew my circumstances were different and a lot harder so I pretty much was going to have PPD no matter what. I got anti depressants after I had him and they worked and then I started feeling better. Yes, I made a huge mistake by going off of them, but I did. *slaps hand*

Now I feel fine but have days of depression. I don't feel suicidal or anything, nor have I ever felt suicidal, I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone but my family. I don't want to go anywhere but with my family. It's affecting my friendships. I don't know what to do. I don't get dressed some days. I'm serious when I say I don't want to do anything.

I haven't found an antidepressant that I really like. I was on Celexa b/c it's approved for breastfeeding and I had emotions on that one. When I was on Zoloft I was a zombie and I hated that. I guess I could try Celexa again, it's just finding a doctor I can use on my insurance.

So that's my story...well the condensed version of it. Oh I should say that a reason why I don't want to stay on medication for an extended period of time is because I am TERRIFIED of winding up like my mother. I've never known a functioning bipolar person (until recently) and it scares me. I am scared that by admitting I suffer from depression, it will turn into bipolar.

I don't really have anxiety. It's just the whole "I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, see anyone" thing. I also have to wonder if my avoidance of "friends" has to do with depression or how they make me feel when I'm with them. I've entered this self preservation mode. If it's not good for me or for my boys then I won't do it. I can't handle it anymore. I know I haven't worked through everything from the divorce. My mode of coping was stay so busy I don't think about it. Healthy huh?

I sometimes go to his myspace page and look. I don't know why. It's not like I want him back because I don't. I don't even know why I go there but I do and it hurts. Not her with him but the fact that he hurt me. He promised to love and cherish me for the rest of his life and I believed that. I trusted him. I wonder if I'll ever learn to trust fully again.

I trust K more than I realize. I trust him enough to be able to blow up at him and say how I really feel and know that he won't get pissed off at me and leave. I trust him enough to take care of my children. trust him enough to let him in to see me, the me I really am. I am still scared that he'll do the same thing Ex did and that's decide he doesn't want to do it all anymore and he'll leave. I know he's not Ex but it still scares me. Maybe that's why I'm so focused on finding a job. That way if he does leave, I know I'll be able to take care of my boys without relying on anyone else. That's not a healthy way to think, is it? If he was going to leave, I think he would have left a long time ago. My life isn't exactly drama free and he just takes it all in stride.

When am I going to learn that it's okay to trust? Will it ever happen again?


Lauren said...

I don't have the answers but I LOOOOVE YOU :D always.

A said...

It's ok that its taking you time. After all you have been through, it's expected.

I understand the depression thing. I am the same way honestly. I make myself get up, do things, get dressed, go to work, etc. I have to be on 2 antidepressants. Just to keep me normal. How sad is that? I tend to bottle up all that depression and anxiety and then I blow. But when I say blow, its an internal one. So one helps with the depression and the other helps with that "blowing" or anger.

Hugs, I know its hard. I am here for you, your a wonderful friend and I wish nothing but happiness for you.