Ex-H

So I stayed up late last night talking to Grandma (Ex-h's) about Ex and all of the problems we had. She said that she talked to him for a few hours that night and he was complaining that he was tired of everyone talking crap about him. He just wants people to cut him a break and to see that he's trying to do the right thing. He said that he can barely afford to feed himself, let alone take care of his kids, and he knows that "Daddy Warbucks" (my Dad) will make sure that they're taken care of so he's not worried about it. He also made the comment that he knows that the birthday presents he sent Ray aren't as good as the ones that "rich folks" can give him and he's just sure that they're destroyed in pieces somewhere. He doesn't realize that R loved the Transformers more than he loved everything else. He doesn't realize the joy that R got knowing that his presents were from his Daddy.

I am sick.to.death. of this "woe is me" bullcrap. I am sick of him calling us rich and calling my Dad "Daddy Warbucks". I am sick of him always being the victim. I'm just sick of it. He says he's not involved in the boys' lives because he wants to be able to actually do something with them and not just sit around and watch them play. He wants to be the "superhero" who always does fun stuff and wants nothing to do with the day to day bullshit of life. He thinks that he'll be able to just swoop in here, when he has money, and be the fun one, but it's almost too late.

So, do I call him out on him talking crap about my family? Or do I just keep quiet about it? He's never going to change, and he's always going to think this way, so part of me thinks that he just needs to be left alone. The other part of me, the part who is VERY protective over my family, and my father, thinks that he needs an ass chewing. The part of me who has dealt with this crap for the past however long is tired of him always talking crap about us, and wants to stop it. Then I stop to think: "What good will this do?" Sadly, the answer is "nothing." Me chewing him out will do absolutely nothing. It will let him know that Grandma told me everything, and that's about it.

So I guess I sit here, and try to not let him get to me. Right now, it's not about me, but about my family. He's a sorry SOB who needs to learn.

Help

I can't handle doing it all on my own anymore. I need help. I can't be perfect, and I need help.

I'm tired of doing it all. I'm tired of being the only one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, dishes, etc etc. I am tired of people looking at me to do everything. I'm tired of doing it all on my own shoulders. I can't do it anymore. I'm angry that I have to do it all on my own, and I'm angry that nobody notices. I hate snapping at my kids. I hate being mad at them for being kids. I hate being on edge. I need help.

I want to run away, with the kids, and never come back. At least I want the kids with me, right? It's not them. They are fine. It's everything else. I just can't do it anymore. Something has to change, but I don't know what will. Nothing will ever change and I will continue to do it all because nobody else will.

Z is crying for me and R is tattling, and I just want to cover my ears and make it all go away.

Anger and Frustration

Things have been rough here, for me. Not that things are bad, but my attitude has been horrible. I'm ashamed to admit how short my fuse has been lately, and how quick I am to blow up. I feel frustration that I can't have 2 seconds to myself. I feel frustration that Zachary gets into everything, and wants to nurse when he's bored. I hate it, and I'm mad at myself for allowing this to happen. Logically, I know why the boys are going crazy. They're bored; they don't feel well; they're recovering. I know this but it's been difficult for me to control my fuse long enough to remember it. It's just a downward spiral as I dwell on my attitude, and ask how I can fix it (within myself). I started reading The Pocket Parent today and so far I like it. I've only read a few chapters (as I was waiting in line for Ray to get out of school), and it talks about how to control your own attitude and calm down enough to know when to walk away. I haven't gotten past 43 pages, but I like it so far.

I have been resting in bed all evening, so I decided to get up and check Ray's backpack for school tomorrow. His teacher sends home folders every Tuesday with work they did in class, and a sheet that has comments on there. Ray's teacher is absolutely awesome, and just what he needs. She never has anything harsh to say about any of the children. This week the message she sent was "Ray is doing very well in pre-k and is very ready for Kindergarten next year." Hearing his teacher confirm my thoughts made me feel a million times better. He is reading small words, writing words from memory, spelling everything. He is growing up in front of my eyes. Then I looked in his folder and saw his Mother's Day presents he made in school. They did handprints (which made me tear up) and then they did a Best Mom Certificate. He told his teacher what color hair I have, my eye color, age, height (26 tall) and weight (20 lbs). Then he answered some questions. One of the blanks was "Mommy looks the prettiest when..." and he wrote "she is going to school." The next one was about spending time with mommy and he said "lay in bed with her." Reading that made every bit of frustration and anger fall out of me, and I started to cry. Reading that helped to reconfirm that what I'm doing for Ray is the right thing. He's a sensitive boy and needs time with me (like every child). He needs his Mommy and that's okay. He'll be out of my bed eventually. They are only small for such a short period of time, so whatever I can do for him now I will do to ensure he knows that I'm there for him. Life may be tough, and the choices that I've made maybe haven't been the best ones, but they have led me to where I am today, and for that I am grateful.

I have to remind myself that we've been through a heck of a lot these past few weeks. Finals, then the boys had surgery, then recovering from the surgery (and me almost passing out several times), and now I'm just exhausted. When I'm tired, it makes me crabby, and then I lose my temper.

I think I just need to remind myself sometimes that I am human, and I'm not superwoman. I will make mistakes, and how I learn from my mistakes makes me the woman that I am.

Update

Ray has the flu. They sent out his sample for further testing. He's on tamiflu and we're going to deal with the side effects of the tamiflu instead of the side effects of the flu.

Zachary has a viral thing but he's really bad. He's wheezing and coughing. I'm actually really surprised that Ray is the one who has the flu and not Zachary. The doctor said that they're open tomorrow and to bring them in if we need anything at all.

I got a call on the way home from the doctor that the CDC changed their guidelines WRT school closures because of the H1N1 flu. They've changed the guidelines to recommend that schools that close must stay closed for a minimum of 14 days. Ray's elementary school will not reopen until May 18th. I called the daycare and because of that the boys are not allowed back into the daycare until after that. I said "well that does me no good considering I don't need daycare after Tuesday." I went to the daycare to pick up all of their things because I don't know when we'll be back there. I got there and started bawling my eyes out and have been trying not to cry since then.

I'm just overwhelmed right now and I"m tired of doing this on my own. My Dad is a saint and is going to take off work Monday and Tuesday so I can take my finals. Is it bad that I actually thought "well if I don't take my final, I'll have a C in Anatomy"?

Happy

For the past few weeks, I'd been feeling very stressed and unsure about what to do about school. I did end up applying for a Bachelor's program, and got accepted, but due to financial reasons, I had to turn it down. It was going to cost too much money for me to do it, plus there's no way my daycare would be provided for. Dad said that he'd help, but then my sister decided she wanted to go to school so he's helping her. He helped me once, I quit, and so it's her turn to get help. I don't mind, and I'm not mad at all at the situation. I'm mad at myself, a bit, but then again I'm not. I'm in a better place than I was before and I know that I'm doing what I want, not what I think I want.

So since I turned down the Bachelor's program, I was feeling very stressed about the whole applying for the ADN (associates) program through the college I'm going to right now. It's very competitive and unfortunately my Anatomy grade isn't what it should be to insure acceptance. I didn't want to apply, and get rejected, so I was really really unsure what to do. I met with my advisor today, and am feeling very good about everything. We discussed my B in Anatomy, and we decided that I'm going to retake Anatomy during the fall, and then take classes to work towards my Bachelor's. By the time I'm done with 2 semesters and in the RN program, I will only have 3 classes until I get my Bachelor's. Then, she looked back at my grades, and said in a very surprised voice "And why are you not honors???? You can do it! Let's put you in honors so you'll graduate with honors." So, I'm in the honors program now. :) I'm taking Anatomy 1 Honors, Government Honors, Chemistry (regular, no honors class for that one) and Bowling (again). I'm super excited. I feel, lighter, less stressed. I'm really excited about it and am looking forward to starting the fall semester.

When we were talking about graduating with honors, I started crying because I want this. I want to graduate with this. I want to be able to tell myself, and others, that not only was I a single mom, going to school full time, but I graduated with honors. I want my boys to look at that and realize that they can do whatever they set their mind to. I want to show people, and most importantly myself, that even though I screwed up by not finishing school before, that I went back, and I did it.


That's my update. :) Thanks for reading!

Amazing

Ex and I are friends. Amazing isn't it? He calls and wants advice from me on what to do about her. It's pretty amazing that I'm giving my Ex-husband marriage advice, but it doesn't feel weird. It makes me feel good that I'm doing something to help him. It's not helping him, specifically, it's helping a marriage. I have such a screwed up view on marriage now, maybe not screwed up, jaded. I'm jaded, and I want to believe that marriage can be good. I want to see marriages work.

I realized something while talking to him (or listening to him talk, rather) the other day. I realized that he never, ever loved me like he loves her. It didn't hurt me when I realized that, it really didn't. It just opened up this whole new feeling of relief. That doesn't make any sense does it? Let me try to explain.

When my marriage failed, I thought of everything that had happened and tried to figure out what I did wrong. In my mind, it was all about what I could have done better to make him happier. What could I do or what could I have done to improve our marriage. It didn't matter that it was a joint thing. I thought that I did something wrong to make him not love me. Then when I heard everything that he was doing and everything that he had done for her, it kind of shocked me. He never would have changed for me. When I complained about something he said "Well there's the door..." He never realized that he had a problem too. It was never his fault, but always mine.

Instead of this new revelation hurting the heck out of me, it made me happy. It made me happy that he's changing for someone he loves. It's okay that he didn't love me the way that he thought he did. When I look back and think about it, I didn't love him the way that I wanted to. I thought I did, but then things happened, and we changed and grew apart. We didn't grow together, and that's when I stopped loving him.

I actually told him this today. I told him that he never loved me like he loves her, and he was shocked. I told him that it's okay, and I'm not upset or hurt. I'm not anything. I have nothing but good will for him and her. Shocking isn't it?

And for those who think he's a piece of crap as a father, he is, and he knows it. That's justice enough for me. One day R and Z will grow up, and they will judge him, and he knows it. He's cried to me about it, and he knows that there's nothing he can do, except for hope that they'll forgive him.

Things Happen for a Reason

Things happen for a reason. Conversations happen for a reason. I just hope that my words and advice, or maybe not advice but experiences will help to reach a decision.