Saturday, February 28, 2009

Life Changes

Before R was born, I had no idea about different types of parenting, and how I would be as a parent. I saw what other people were doing and just shrugged and said "hey it's your choice" but I had no idea how that would mold me. When R was born, I didn't want to let him go. I wanted him to be with me at all times. I wanted him on me, so I could feel him breathe and be with him. I wanted to nurse him, and be the reason why he was thriving. I didn't want him to cry, if I could help it. As he got older and wasn't sleeping through the night, people would tell me to let him CIO and I wouldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I didn't have any reason why other than "it just feels wrong for me to let my child cry, needing me, wanting me." My Ex didn't care what happened as long as he wasn't woken up through the night and R wasn't in bed with us. I had a glider/ottoman combo that I slept in, many nights, with R just waiting for Ex to go to work so we could move to the bed. Ex never did get ok with co-sleeping, and many nights I would spend out of the bed, in a glider with R so he would sleep. It's sad, but I looked forward to the times that he would go out to sea, so I could have the bed to myself with R, and not panic about Ex walking in the house and finding me in bed with R. Looking back, I wonder why I was so afraid of him, but that's a different thing for a different time. With R I learned what love really was. I learned how it felt to have this child, this part of you, outside, and needing you. I felt this stronger than ever feeling of needing to protect. I learned how to be strong, grow a backbone, and stand up for what and who I believe in. I fought against Ex, and as time grew on, I grew apart from him because of our differences in parenting. I honestly didn't care that I was the one doing everything, because then I knew it was being done the right way. He could do whatever he wanted, as long as I had R, I was okay. Sad, isn't it? We probably shouldn't have had Z, but I will never regret it, ever. These boys have made me who I am today, and I will forever be changed because of them. I actually am thankful to Ex for helping me create these 2 beautiful boys, and I suppose indirectly for making me strong enough to be who I am today. Because of the divorce, I am a strong woman who can handle being a single mom, going to school full time. Because of Ex, I am strong enough to stand behind my parenting decisions and not change or give in because of some pressure from outside sources. I am who I am. I parent how I parent and nothing is going to change that.