It's been a while...

I apologize for how long it's been since I've updated. I have no excuse other than the fact that I have two kids, a boyfriend, 4 dogs, some random family and some really good friends.

Here's a really quick update from November 15th until now. Thanksgiving was okay, Christmas was horrible, New Years was good and my birthday was good. :)

Z has been fighting RSV since December 19th and it's been horrible. He's been so sick and I can't do anything about it except to nurse him, cuddle him and hug him. I hate him being sick. I hate going to the doctor every week or two because he's just not getting better. The good news is that the cough is gone so he's not hacking anymore. He's still congested (but who in Houston isn't), he has a small cough (once again, who in Houston doesn't) and because of this congestion, he has double ear infections now. Yeah craptastic isn't it? I was so upset with everything when I left the doctor's office on Wednesday. Why can't I keep my child well? What is so hard about keeping a breastfed baby well? Ugh!

R has entered a very ornery stage and it tests me every day. He has taken to making up stories and lying. I know he's just using his imagination and testing his limits but man does it frustrate me. I know a lot of it is with Z being as sick as he's been, R's getting almost no mommy time and he needs it. I made a point to spend some time with him today and he seems to be doing better so I hope that if we continue to spend more time together, he'll keep doing as well as he's been doing today.

I'm almost moved into K's house. I'm at Dad's house right now and it seems like no matter what I do, I can't make anyone happy here. A (dad's g/f) and B seem so mad at me no matter what I do. I didn't even do anything last night and they were acting weird towards me. People at dinner (who aren't around all of the time) didn't notice it but K did and asked me about it. At dinner, I wanted R to sit next to me and B said "No he's next to me!" and then when I went down there to see R, she got this smirk or something on her face. I don't get it. I just don't belong here anymore. Sometimes I feel as if I don't belong anywhere.

Peace

There is nothing more peaceful than a sleeping baby. I love when you can tell when they hit that point of no return and they're completely knocked out. Nothing will wake them, their limbs are heavy and they just melt into you. I also love it when I lay Z down and he rubs his face on his bed until he gets comfortable and then he passes back out, with his butt in the air of course.

I think one of my most favorite things is when Z is nursing and he's so tired but he is fighting sleep to nurse more. His eyes will roll back into his head and then he opens them again, then they'll roll, etc etc. Then he'll get into a bit of a deeper sleep and he'll unlatch, then hurry to latch back on. I love nursing. :)

Tonight R was ready for bed and I was nursing Z. R comes and asks me if he can just go to bed in his tshirt. He was so tired, my poor little one. I guess the throwing up from the night before got to him, not that I blame him.

Okay on to bed to be with my wonderful children. R's in his bed, Z's in his bed but I know soon Z will be in bed with me, cuddling up next to me. Yes I co-sleep and no, nobody will ever stop me.

Pictures of my Boys

I'm going to update yall with some new pictures of my beautiful boys. They're my life and I don't know what I'd do without them.

Being a Parent

Sometimes being a parent really sucks when you have to make choices that you don't want to make but you know the choice is what's best for your children.

Right now I'm being faced with one of the hardest choices so far. R's dad (X) isn't being much of a father. R spent more time with his great-grandma than he did his father. X is also Z's father (obviously since we were married) and X had nothing to do with Z when he dropped R off this morning. He didn't look at him, didn't want to see him, didn't even mention him. He just dropped R off and left. So this is the hard choice I'm facing. I want to send X termination of parental rights papers for Z because he obviously doesn't care two craps about him and Z deserves better than that. Z and R both have a wonderful father in their life who loves them like they were his own. That's all I can ask for.

And I want to apologize for not writing every day like I set out to do. I needed to clear my head and think and being around Dad's house was just too much for me to do that. I escaped to K's house and spent some time with him.

Monday night (the 5th) we were laying in bed and he asked me to marry him. It was the sweetest, most sincere moment of my life (other than birthing my children) and I am so happy. We're not sure when the wedding will be but it's going to happen.

Z's hungry and ready for bed. That's my update.

I hate Dreams

Wednesday Ex's Gma drove down so we could go see some of their family. I took the boys and we had a good time. I told ex-gma about K because I knew it would get back to Ex and I'm pretty non-confrontational when it comes to everything. He called me Wednesday night and had an attitude with me asking me about K. Then he said "it's okay, I have been dating someone too." Yes I knew about this but I wanted to hear it from him. That night I had a horrible dream that S (his g/f) was a huge witch and was trying to get R to call her mommy and told him that I wasn't his mommy anymore.

I know why I'm having these dreams and they make sense to my head but to my heart I'm terrified. I'm terrified that R will like her better than me and want to live up with Ex and S. I know it makes no sense but if I lost my boys, I would wither and die. I love my boys with every fiber of my being and I can't imagine my life without them.

Going Missing

My 3 year old, R, is going up to see his Dad for 5 days so I'm going to K's tonight and tomorrow night.

When I get back, I'll explain my last post.

He loves Me

He really loves me.....wow. That's hard to accept sometimes especially after what I endured with Ex.

K is a wonderful father to my boys and he's going to be a wonderful husband.