Sunday, November 4, 2007

Trip Down Not so Good Memory Lane

I want to apologize in advance for this. It has nothing to do with breastfeeding or mothering but I need to get it out.

I went through the boxes of my stuff that ex sent to me. Most of the stuff, I threw away because the things that were really important to me, I brought on the airplane or in my 4 suitcases. So one of the things that I had to go through was a box of memories. I've had this box since ex and I started dating, back in 1999 and it's full of pictures, letters, cards and notebooks that I made for him to read while he was out on deployments.

This box was hard to go through. There were tons of wedding pictures, pictures from my senior year, graduation, prom, all with him in them. In the letters, I proclaimed my love for him and told him how much I loved him and going back and reading them, I feel like an idiot. I was so naive and blinded by hope and love. I thought that I was living a fairy tale and he was my Prince Charming, only in a Sailor uniform. Maybe I was in love with the idea of being in love.

I think what hurts the most is reading the letters he wrote to me. The letters where he said how much he loved me and missed me and how perfect I was and how I was the best wife. I believed him. I believed that he loved me and always would. I believed that we would last and grow to be 70 or 80 and have great grandkids together.

Here's my confession...I don't think I really wanted to marry him. I just didn't want to hurt him and I did love him, I just didn't want to be married that young. Deep down I knew that things weren't going to last. I just chose to hide my head in the sand and hope that things would be okay. Once R came into the picture, I saw that ex wasn't the Dad or husband I wanted to be and that's when I knew. I was rocking R one night when he was 3 weeks old and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I wasn't in love with ex anymore. I should have known then to call it quits but I didn't. I guess I thought that I had to stick it out and deal with my choice, no matter if it was a bad choice.

So here I am, 24 years old, a single mom to two beautiful boys. I wouldn't go back and change anything and honestly, I don't think I loved him as much as I thought. If I did, I would have fought for him and our marriage more. I would have tried harder but then again, I did try. I tried the hardest I could but he didn't care. He is the one who stepped out, not me. He's the one who cheated, not me. He's the one who moved halfway across the world without consulting me. He ended it before I did, I just hid my head in the sand like usual, hoping that things would get better.

So I've moved on and I'm dating a wonderful guy but part of me is always wondering when this one is going to go bad too. The difference is K and I actually talk about stuff. We communicate. And the best part? He really cares. He treats my boys like they are his own and he actually likes being around us. I have hope that this will work and I will fight for this one because I deserve better than what I received with ex.


baby~amore' said...

I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling but I just wanted to say you are a woman of worth.
You are amazing and the decisions you made before were right for you at the time.You have wisely moved on and travelling down new unfamiliar roads can be scary.
Draw on your strength and focus on your relationship little boys and see where this new guy fits in. I hope you find happiness - yes you do deserve it.

blueeyedgirl said...

Ok. Don't feel like an idiot. You just wanted what everyone wants. To be happy, and there's nothing wrong with that. Honestly, it's been just as obvious to most people since R came along that X wasn't right for you anymore. I'm sorry if that hurts.
I also think that he DID love you, or at least he thought he did, before R came along. I have wished so many times that I could've just came right out and told you to leave him or ask why you were still with him when you knew you and R deserved better, but the thing is had you left before you did, had he had that conversation with you before he did, you wouldn't have Z and I know that despite all the crap he put you through, you'd go through it again if you knew the end result was having R and Z.
Also, you might never have met K if you had moved back any sooner, you never know. And please don't let the way X acted hinder your relationship with K. I haven't met him, but he sounds and even looks so much nicer and a better man than X.

Casey said...

I know that this isn't the way that you probably pictured your life when you were little and dreaming about the future, but that's okay. My life isn't how I pictured it either. That doesn't make one better or worse, though. I think that you were smart to get out of the relationship when you did. Many women don't do that, and they end up where you are now, but instead of being 24, they are 40 or 50. You still have your whole adult life ahead of you! Where you look back and you see bad choices, I look back and see strength and a good choice for you and your boys.